Thank You for everything you've done for me. Thank you for all the times you were there for me. Thank you for coming and watching me play baseball and football. You were so proud of me. I always talked so highly of me. I remember when I used to live with you and Lori. I'd spend weeks there's, I loved spending time with you. I wanted to be just like you. Sure you went through tough problems but you always pulled through. You loved to work on cars. That's who you were. Always with your dad in the garage building and fixing things. Your dad was like a dad too me too. Then one day he wasn't there. I hurt me, I missed him. We were a family. I spent my early years with you all. Then my dad got jealous because I called him dad. I didn't see you quite as much. Then when I'd come to visit, your dad wasn't there. Later I learned that he was heartbroken from me leaving. I was like a son to him just like you. So he turned to alcohol. He shut down and eventually left. I know its not my fault but I feel guilty. I missed him too. I remember when we sent Val off to the army. We drove her to the train station, and kissed her goodbye. I was so young but I knew that I'd may never see her again for a long time. It wasn't the same without her around. It was just you and me then and Lori. We managed. I loved waking up to pancakes every morning. She would make then fresh just for us. Every time I would come over. I remember living in the run down trailers. There weren't nice but we made them home. I loved it. You were so strong and fearless. A good person, just had a rough life. I remember the long talks, the throwing the football, the playing the games on the couch laughing, the last game we played was a ufc game. We played all night. I was crying earlier because I missed my mom. We were in lock haven. You picked me up and took the pain away. We rode the four wheelers around. I remember rising with you in the car, music blearring, speeding like usual. Everything around us flew by, down the windy road, I should of been worried but I remember looking into your eyes and knowing that I'd be alright. That I was safe. We stopped at the store and you bought me a v neck shirt that you liked. I still have it to this day. It's all that I have left of you. I have no photos or videos of us together. Nothing, but memories in my head and a shirt... I can't even find your gravestone. I was there, I remember putting you in the ground, I remember where, why aren't you there?! I remember the ride to the ceremony, so many people showing up, all of the pictures on bulletin boards. I couldn't look, it hurt so much. Then I saw your casket with you in it. It was closed. They wouldn't let me see you one last time. All I wanted to say was goodbye! To give you a kiss to send you on your beautiful way to a better place. They said that they didn't want my last look at you to be what was your face. I will always wonder. I never got a hug goodbye. I had to listen to people talked about you, when they really didn't know you. Lori didn't talk, she couldn't neither could your dad. I cried the entire time and cry to this day. I gave you a flower, my blessing that you are in a better place. I remember carrying your casket, it was such an honor to be carrying my hero to the promised land. I was so proud. I will never forget you. I remember when things go rough, your started drugs, drunk all the time. Your eyes were bloodshot. You always looked so pale and skinny. Always slurred speech. Could barely walk. You took so many medicine, so many pills. You got addicted. But you go through it, you got better, became clean. I knew you would. You are my hero. You were always brave. You found out that the man Lori was with in lock haven was having an affair. You drove up there to confront him, you told him you'd beat the shit out of him and everything. Then I guess you went back to a hotel. You stood up for us. Idk what made you snap. Why did you pull the trigger? I heard you wrote a letter and called your dad. You read it aloud on the phone to him and then pulled the trigger. The police found you dead in the room. You don't have to apologize. I forgive you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry, I couldn't take away all of your pain. I carry it with me everyday. I carry the guilt. I was supposed to protect you, help you, encourage you. We hadn't talked in a little while. You stopped by a month if that before to check on me because I was in a real awful car accident. You were there for me. You drove all the way just to make sure I was okay. I wasn't there for you. I don't forgive myself. That anger and hatred I have for myself because I let you die. I let my hero down. Sure I was young, but I still knew. I knew you were in trouble. Why didn't I do anything. Why didn't you call me? You needed help, but I wasn't strong enough. I try so hard to be strong for everyone now. I work so hard, I over achieve because I always feel like ibjave something to prove. There's always someone saying I can't so it or I'm not good enough or I'm too small, I have chicken legs. I can't talk right. I proved them all wrong. I was the best running back in middle school out of all schools, i lead in touchdowns and yards and tackles. I played 7th and 8th grade ball in 7th grade because no was that great. I did what they said couldn't be done. I picked up a 350lb guy and lifted him off the ground and slapped in to the ground. Its not because I'm great or I'm better than everyone else. Its because I went home everyday after practice and practiced til bedtime. I'd skip dinner. Homework. I wanted it more than anyone else, that's what made me great. Freshman year, I had to sit the first game out due to my back. But my first play back I scored a 40yrd touchdown. I showed them yes I was hurt but I can still play. I didn't give up. I've had so much success throughout my life. I've overcome so many obstacles, I've had tons of critics, but I proved them wrong. Then when you died. I don't know what happened.. You were missing, I quit the game I loved, I quit doing hat made me happy and focused of working. I wanted to provide for my family. My dream was to be the greatest wide receiver to ever play just like jerry rice. I gave it all up. Yes my back had a huge role, but it was my mindset that killed me. I have a crack in my heart, a emptiness that never goes away. I can be surrounded by friends, but still feel alone. I used to inspire people, bring out the best in them, and I will always continue to. I connect with people because I feel their pain, I understand what they've gone through. I'm no stranger to pain. You've made me a better person. The good always die young. I always said I'd only live to be 21 and my health was declining. I worked my body so hard for so long. I was always told I was overworking myself, pushing to hard. I was. I didn't want to be good, I was raised being good isn't good enough, you have to be the best. My heart is very much weak. However i will get better. My time is not over. I'm going to encourage and inspire people, I will bring out the best in them as you did to me. I no longer hold hate or regret in my heart. That pain will no longer hold me back. That fear is gone. I'm not the same person I was. In the past month I've changed so much. I wish you could see. I actually smile now and laugh. I've lost my voice this past week,bgot real sick but that won't keep me down. I'm going to college, Im getting my degree, Im even buying the picture frame so I can hang it on my wall as a reminder of my goal. I have sticky notes throughout my room of my goals. To remind me what I'm fighing for. To remind me who I am. I wish you could of met Nikki. God am I so proud of her, I remember how broken she was when we met and how strong she is now. Her soul is the most beautifulest in this world. You would of loved her too. There's so much you have missed. I've been reading a lot lately, learning guitar, studying, learning. Driving around adventuring. Making new friendshps. Showing people that its okay to be who you are. I stopped judging people, ive realized that everyone has their own story, their own struggles and success that make then who they are today. Everyone is a certain way for a reason, I think that's kinda beautiful. Im not trying to be someone amazing, I don't want that pressure, I'm just being me. Like you always said ..Nate The Great. I want be that person that picks people up and pushes them forward in life, that feeling of its okay, you can do this. My faith is strong. Not only in God but also in myself. I believe in who I am and I believe in others as well. I'm going to make this world a better place for those around me. I see in people what they cannot. I am doing great things and i wish you were here to see me achieve all of my goals and dreams. You will always be in my heart. You are my brother, my hero. My plus one ā¤ I love you Junior. I know you are always watching over me, I know you are proud, watch over me as I keep improving and bettering myself and those around me.
