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Polyamory itself isn't a kink, but you can be kinky and polyamorous.

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What Is Solo Polyamory, The Strange New Relationship Trend On The Rise?

In the ever-evolving world of love, the popularity of solo polyamory is on the rise for various reasons

In the ever-evolving landscape of love, there's a relationship style that's capturing the curiosity of romantics and pragmatists alike: solo polyamory.

What is Solo Polyamory?

Solo polyamory is a relationship philosophy that combines the openness of polyamory with the independence of flying solo.

At its core, it's about practicing ethical non-monogamy without necessarily nesting, cohabiting, or merging life plans with a primary partner. Solo polyamorists value personal autonomy and prioritise their individuality while forming meaningful and consensual romantic or sexual connections with multiple partners.

Rather than fitting into the conventional relationship escalator (think dating, moving in together, getting married, and having kids), solo polyamory lets individuals define love on their own terms. It's not about rejecting commitment but about reimagining what commitment can look like for different people.

How Is Solo Polyamory Different From Other Relationships?

Here's how solo polyamory compares to other relationship styles:

Monogamy: The obvious difference is that monogamy involves a single partner at a time, while solo polyamory embraces multiple relationships.

Traditional Polyamory: In traditional polyamory, people might have multiple partners and could be part of a polycule (a network of interconnected partners). These relationships often include shared living arrangements or long-term commitments. Solo polyamory, by contrast, maintains a more individualistic approach the concept of cohabiting being absent in the equation.

Polygamy: Polygamy involves being married to multiple spouses simultaneously. It is often culturally or religiously rooted and can take different forms. Solo polyamory on the other hand, involves having multiple romantic or sexual relationships while maintaining personal autonomy.

Why Choose Solo Polyamory?

People are drawn to solo polyamory for various reasons.

For some, it's about finding a balance between connection and freedom.

For others, it's a way to explore love without adhering to societal pressures or timelines. It's also an empowering choice for those who want to prioritise their own goals, growth, and happiness minus the pressure or the labels of being in a traditional relationship and still enjoy fulfillment.

Is Solo Polyamory for You?

If the idea of combining meaningful connections with personal independence resonates with you, solo polyamory might be worth exploring. It's a relationship style that celebrates both love and individuality, proving that you don't have to choose one over the other.

Whether you're curious, intrigued, or ready to dive in, solo polyamory is a reminder that relationships can be as unique and dynamic as the people in them. After all, the best kind of love story is the one you write for yourself.

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Somerville, MA Passes Polyamory Antidiscrimination Ordinance

On March 23, 2023, the City of Somerville, Massachusetts revised its ordinance to protect people in multi-partner relationships from employment discrimination.  In doing so, this Boston suburb of about 80,000 people became the first U.S. jurisdiction to grant legal protections to employees in polyamorous and other consensually non-monogamous relationships. 

The Somerville Ordinance 

The Somerville legislation, developed with assistance from PLAC and Harvard Law School’s LGBTQ+ Advocacy Clinic, is drafted quite simply.  First, the City Council added the following two definitions to its Code of Ordinances: 

Relationship status. The words “relationship status” mean the actual or perceived involvement or noninvolvement of an individual in an intimate personal relationship or relationships. It includes an individual’s actual or perceived affinity, or lack thereof, for any given type of intimate personal relationship, regardless of whether the individual is currently in any intimate personal relationship(s). 

Intimate personal relationship. The words “intimate personal relationship” shall include any interpersonal relationship between two or more adult individuals that involves romantic, physical, or emotional intimacy. This includes multi-partner/multi-parent families and relationships, step families, multi-generational households, and consensual sexual relationships, including relationships involving consensual non-monogamy. 

Once those definitions were in place, the Council simply added “relationship status” to the section of its Ordinance mandating non-discriminatory treatment for city employees and job applicants—becoming the first jurisdiction to recognize a brand-new protected category.

While there are only scant legal protections for polyamory, advocates have made substantial progress in the past few years, with Massachusetts leading the way.  In June of 2020, Somerville became the first municipality to include polyamorous relationships in its definition of domestic partnerships.  In 2021, similar laws passed in Cambridge and Arlington, MA.  Advocacy groups such as PLAC, the Chosen Family Law Center, and OPEN, have been active in legislative campaigns and providing direct legal services (such as drafting agreements between multiple partners).  However, until this latest legislation, no U.S. jurisdiction has addressed workplace discrimination—a concerning issue for many polyamorous people. 

You can read the full ordinance here

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5 Myths About Non-Monogamy

Myth #1: Consensual non-monogamy is an excuse for cheating.

Fact: Unlike cheating, consensual non-monogamy rests on clear boundaries and rules. Partners discuss and agree on the terms, such as how much time they spend together versus with their other partners and whether their other relationships are just sexual in nature or involve deeper, romantic connections as well. All partners enter the relationship with equal enthusiasm and equal amounts to gain or lose.

Myth #2: People in consensually non-monogamous relationships can’t experience jealousy.

Fact: It’s not uncommon for partners in non-monogamous relationships to experience jealousy, especially in situations where it feels like one of their partners is spending an inordinate amount of time or energy with other relationship partners compared to them. Issues of jealousy are especially likely to arise when new partners come into the picture and suddenly take up a lot of focus. This is so common that it even has the name new relationship energy. In healthy, consensually non-monogamous relationships, strategies to prevent and cope with jealousy are discussed before issues arise. Also, jealousy happens in monogamous relationships as well. It's an emotion that no relationship structure is immune to, but that can usually be avoided or mitigated with empathy and communication.

Myth #3: People who gravitate toward consensual non-monogamy have avoidant attachment styles.

Fact: Many people falsely assume that the only reason a person would reject the notion of happily ever after with one specific soul mate is that they have an avoidant attachment style. In reality, research by Amy C. Moors shows that although avoidantly attached people are more likely to find the idea of consensual-nonmonogamy appealing, their positive attitudes don’t correlate with them actually engaging in it more. Moors’ research also shows that it’s not uncommon for consensually non-monogamous people to demonstrate different attachment styles with different partners.

Myth #4: People in monogamous relationships report greater happiness and more relationship satisfaction than people in non-monogamous relationships.

FACT: Some research suggests that, on average, people who identify as consensually non-monogamous report slightly higher levels of overall happiness than people who describe themselves as monogamous, but only when they report having had one or more sexual partners in the last year. Regarding relationship satisfaction, outcomes differ depending on the type of non-monogamy being practiced. For example, some studies show that swingers and polyamorous people report relatively high levels of sexual satisfaction, whereas those in open relationships report less. This might be because open relationships involve a highly emphasized primary relationship that might be more vulnerable to outside sexual or romantic partners, even if transparency exists. Although swinging also involves a highly emphasized primary relationship, outside sexual experiences with other partners are typically shared by the couple, not enjoyed by just one partner.

Myth #5: Non-monogamy is more advantageous for men than it is for women.

Fact: Consensually non-monogamous relationships can be equally advantageous for everyone involved, regardless of gender, when there is mutual enthusiasm and attention given to each partner's needs and concerns. However, it's important to acknowledge that when one partner feels pressured or obligated to agree to such an arrangement, the advantages may shift in favor of the partner with more power. Gender norms can contribute to power imbalances in some non-monogamous relationships, potentially making women more vulnerable to agreeing to terms that don't align with their preferences. It's crucial to recognize that this issue stems from broader societal gender norms that can also affect monogamous relationships.

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How old were you when you realized you were ethically non-monagamous?

Under 18

19-29

30-39

40-49

Over 50

Voting ended onJun 5, 2023

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3 Facts About Consensual Non-Monogamy

More people are engaging in polyamory than you might think.

If you have started to hear more people talking about polyamory or open relationships, you are not alone. Google searches for these terms have increased in the United States.

So what exactly does it mean to be polyamorous or have an open relationship?

Polyamory and open relationships are both types of consensual non-monogamy. Consensual non-monogamy is a relational arrangement in which partners agree that it is acceptable to have more than one sexual or romantic relationship at the same time. Consensual is key here. All partners should agree that it is not infidelity or cheating to have relationships with other people.

Consensual non-monogamy can take many forms. It may be that both members of a primary couple agree it is okay for them to have sex with other people. It may be a relationship in which there are three (triad) or four (quad) people all involved with each other in a long-term relationship. Sometimes people have a primary partner and secondary partners who may or may not be involved with the primary partner.

Partners in these polyamorous relationships may be open to additional relationships with other people or practice polyfidelity. Couples may also practice swinging, in which they exchange partners or have group sex, often at swinging social events. Although long-term friendships or romantic relationships between couples may arise out of swinging, swinging tends to be mainly about sexual relationships, not romantic ones.

A few facts about consensual non-monogamy:

Consensual non-monogamy is more common than you might think. In 2016, using representative data from over 8,000 U.S. adults, researchers found that 1 in 5 people surveyed (over 20 percent) had been involved in a consensually non-monogamous relationship in their lifetime. In a 2021 study focused on polyamory, researchers found that 1 in 9 people (over 10 percent) had engaged in polyamory at some point in their life. More than that, 1 in 6 (over 16 percent) people reported wanting to engage in polyamory. Apparently, this is similar to the number of Americans who have cats.

Although consensually non-monogamous relationships are receiving more attention both from the general public and from relationship scientists, people still tend to view consensually non-monogamous relationships less positively than monogamous relationships. People are even likely to view studies about consensual non-monogamy as more biased than studies about monogamy. It seems that the type of non-monogamous relationship matters.

When asked to imagine different types of consensually non-monogamous relationships, participants in one study tended to perceive polyamory more favorably than swinging or open relationships. The researchers concluded that when consensually non-monogamous relationships are characterized by emotional intimacy and love, they are viewed more positively than when they are based only on sex.

Given the stigma associated with having more than one relationship partner, why do people pursue consensual non-monogamy? Many of the benefits people say they get in a consensually non-monogamous relationship are similar to those that people report getting from monogamous relationships (support, trust, love), but a few unique benefits emerge as well.

People in consensually non-monogamous relationships report having more people who are able to meet their needs and less pressure for one person to meet all their needs. They also report having more partners to do activities with, greater personal growth, and freedom from restrictions.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Fighting NRE

If you're afraid of all the NRE mistakes, you might make another common one: Fighting against NRE and not being willing to enjoy it. It's a lot of fun! It's a feeling you're meant to enjoy. Just because there are common mistakes, it doesn't mean that you have to make them. Keep the warnings in mind, and enjoy the feelings. The first part of a relationship feels great, and you should take advantage of this.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Thinking You Need to Find a Partner for Your Partner

If your partner is sad, anxious, or jealous about your new partnership, it can be easy to feel like you need to make things fair. It's important to remember that fair doesn't mean equal, and trying to find a partner for the sake of having a partner is a bad time for everyone involved. Even if your partner thinks it's your job to do this, it very much is not, and it will only end up hurting everyone in the end.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Thinking The NRE Will Last

This is one that's guaranteed to be false. Sure, some people move in together after knowing each other for a month and live happily ever after. Maybe they did find their soulmate. It's rare, but it happens. But NRE never lasts. It's based off of hormones and other brain chemicals, and it wears off eventually, whether you want it to or not.This isn't to say that you won't be happy in your relationship after the NRE wears off. Far from it - I'm generally happier in my relationships after six months (or longer) because I'm more confident in the direction that relationship is going, and how close and compatible we actually are. Long-term happiness doesn't come from the intense feelings, that would be exhausting.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Thinking Polyamory is the Solution to Everything

Poly evangelism is another related problem. If you're so happy polyamorous, why wouldn't everyone be? Well, not everyone can be, for various reasons. Some people are just wired for monogamy, and even some people that might be wired for polyamory may be in a relationship with someone wired for monogamy.

It's easy to feel like polyamory is the solution to every relationship problem, but it really, really is not. Polyamory is not a solution to any problem, actually. If your relationship is in trouble, you don't want to add more complexity to it by opening it up. "Relationship broken? Add more people!" is a sarcastic mantra given by seasoned poly people, and for good reason; the more people that are involved, the more complicated any problem will be. If you're opening up a relationship, it should be in a healthy place to work off of before you start adding the exponential complexity of other people.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Coming Out Too Soon

On another note, people tend to want to share what makes them happy. That's just the way we work, but this can be a problem when it comes to new relationships. This is both a new-to-poly thing and an NRE thing. When you're so happy in your new relationship, you want everyone to know. That's fair! But you also have to keep in mind that coming out as poly isn't always warmly received. Not everyone will share your happiness and some people will be downright aggressive about their disapproval. You should plan on coming out to friends and family at your own pace, and though it can be hard to keep a new relationship secret, it may pay off in the long run for your relationship's health. Instead, try to find a local or online poly community that you can share your joy with, so that people that understand will be able to listen.

To be clear, I’m not saying that polyamory should be hidden. I think that in time it should be accepted as a normal choice people can make. However, people do lose family, friends, and even jobs when telling others about polyamory. The reason that I warn that you shouldn’t tell people “too soon” is that if your new relationship doesn’t last more than a few months, the skeptical people around you may use that as an excuse to attack your practice of polyamory or give you an “I told you so.”

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Ignoring Red Flags and Abuse

This is an extremely common problem in any type of relationship. Abusers take advantage of the NRE period to make you more connected to them, so that you will ignore abuse and red flags. This isn't true of all NRE, of course, or even most, but it's common enough that I need to share a word of caution. Even in monogamous relationships this is true, and for certain types of abuse, this is known as “lovebombing” and is often repeated in each new relationship the abuser has.

One advantage of polyamory is that you often have multiple people that are close enough to you to observe your relationships and raise concerns if they have them. Don't dismiss your partners' concerns as just jealousy or insecurity. Take time to examine the concerns and see if they have a basis in what's going on, or if they may be influenced by jealousy, or both.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Ending Existing Relationships

Going a step further, some people will end their existing relationships because they look less exciting compared to the shiny new relationship. Sometimes, relationships do need to end, but more often than not when someone is deep within NRE, they're not able to make a fair evaluation of where their existing relationship fits in their life compared to the shiny new one. Maybe there's less sex, maybe the passion isn't there, maybe you don't text every single day. Those things can add up and if you do have all those things in the new relationship, it can be hard to look at the old relationship fairly.

This falls under my "no big decisions" rule as well. I don't end relationships when I'm in the throes of a new one unless there are clear signs that I should, like abuse or manipulation, or if the main reason for thinking about ending it is only about it being less exciting than the new one.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Ignoring or Neglecting Existing Relationships

When you're in a shiny new relationship, other relationships can feel or look dull in comparison. It's extremely important not to neglect these existing relationships just because you have someone new. You have history and connections with these other people that shouldn't be thrown away. Those relationships will likely still be there after the NRE fades (if you don't make all of these mistakes), and you don't want to try to patch things up when you realize you've been neglecting them for months.

Also, consider that this means friend and family relationships as well. You can't neglect those, even if the romance or sex is more enticing. You don't want to disappear for months only to come back and assume that everything will be the same, because it won't. This can especially be a problem if you're not out as poly to these friends and family, and they could get worried if you've suddenly fallen off the face of the earth.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Letting Jealousy Take the Wheel

Jealousy and envy can be strongest during NRE. Because of this, it's extremely important to keep on top of it, and not to let it take over. It's also very easy to conflate jealousy with caring, especially with the way popular culture treats it, but the two couldn't be farther from each other. There are a few ways to combat jealousy and envy, but the short version is that you need to be extremely introspective to figure out what exactly the jealousy trigger is telling you, because nine times out of ten, the trigger itself isn't the problem. Often the basis is an insecurity or fear of loss, and that's something to be dealt with individually, though your partner can help with support and reassurance.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Making Agreements You Can't Keep

A lot of the time, newly poly people decide on rules that aren't realistic, or are even problematic. When you're starting out a new relationship, it can be easy to agree to rules without thinking them through, or even thinking that you'll get them to change later. Never agree to something in the hopes that you can convince the other person otherwise later, that's deceptive at best. Even if you think that you're completely fine with the rules, take time to think them through and think of the actual consequences. If the rule is that you can't spend the night with your new partner, are you prepared to truly never spend the night with them, or are you hoping that rule will change over time?

Another thing to consider is agreements you've made with your existing partners. Don't break rules just because you want to, and don't violate your partner's boundaries. Especially consider agreements you've made about how much you'll communicate about the new relationship with your partner. Don't agree to overshare, but also trust that your partner wants to hear what they said they want to hear. Don't hide things in order to protect their feelings. Keep safer sex agreements in mind, especially if you're having unbarriered sex with anyone. And again, don't make rules you want to break.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Making it All About the Sex

Some people go in the opposite direction and make it all about the sex. Good sex is great and all, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be compatible life partners. Take all aspects of the relationship into consideration, not just sexual chemistry. There are many other areas of compatibility to consider - moral, political, life goals, whether you want to ride the relationship escalator, and so much more. Having a relationship that's only sexual can still be fun, but don't mistake that for overall compatibility.

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New Relationship Energy (NRE): Moving Too Fast and Early Commitments

This is by far one of the most common mistakes people make when wrapped up in NRE for the first time. Most people got through this stage in their first relationship in their teens, but seem to go through it again when they start practicing polyamory. Especially if they're in an existing long-term relationship, it's easy to forget what those first few months of raging hormones feels like. Because of this, it's easy to get lost in the feeling of being head-over-heels for each other, and forget about reasonable time frames.

For example, there's no rule that says you can't say "I love you" a week into a new relationship, but you might want to consider what you actually mean by that. Part of moving too fast is thinking that you've instantly fallen in love with someone, and feeling like they're your long lost soulmate. In truth, you're swimming in hormones that make this person seem like the greatest person on earth, and they may well be, but you don't actually know that yet. You have yet to meet the real person, including their flaws and scars. Even if they tell you about them, you've yet to see it for yourself.

Similarly, you don't want to make promises you probably can't actually guarantee that you can keep. Don't promise your new partner that they can move in soon (especially if you already live with a partner that would need to consent to this as well). It seems like a great idea, especially if money is tight and you can justify it with that. But more often than not, it's a recipe for disaster. You can be great partners for each other, but could make terrible roommates. Don't assume that relationship compatibility means that you're compatible for sharing a living space. Also, consider that you still don't know if your relationship is actually compatible until the NRE has blown over.

Generally, my rule of thumb is to not make any big decisions for the first six months of a relationship. "Big decisions" is a broad and fuzzy term, but I have set further guidelines for myself. I don't make permanent decisions regarding a relationship, or make long-term commitments, for the first six months. This especially includes financial and material commitments that entangle you together in a way that could make you feel obligated. From moving in together to sharing a cell phone plan, these are things that make it messy if you want to take a step back, even if you don't want to break up.

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