xyla

ramblings of someone who thinks too much (or not enough)

[ponderingthemind]

i hope my friends abandon me

I hope my friends abandon me, leave my rotting corpse behind no more heavy weight to drag, no more tired bloodshot eyes

leave my bones to rest, as they've all but cracked and dried let the stench fade away as wind whispers through your mind

carrying away the second thoughts the scent of someone you once knew now it's time to turn your back time to start anew

[ponderingthemind]

soap/scars

soap suds on my stripes wash away the rough of how they must've tasted where you touched your lips then my needle meeting my flesh now your kiss meeting my thighs

these memories once tainted by the thought of letting go now tinge with relief as I'm released from you

dirt and soap suds down the shower drain

[ponderingthemind]

fall

how freeing it must be to feel fresh air all around to lavish in the moments before hitting the ground

admire the sky and stars that twinkle in the night feel the gentle caress of Lady Death's cold vise

[ponderingthemind]

not that bad (tw: self harm, suicide mention)

I've come to the realization that complacency is my worst enemy. I tell myself all the time, it's not that bad, this situation is not that bad, you aren't feeling that bad. but all the emotions, the frustration, anger at my situation, they remain despite these constant affirmations. I'm constantly invalidating myself, from the moment I wake to when I rest my head on the pillow. it's not that bad, I tell myself as I cut into my thighs. it's not that bad, I tell myself as I swallow the rest of the pills. it's not that bad, I tell myself as I go to bed instead of the hospital. not that bad, it's not that bad, it's not that bad. my brain is constantly echoing about how nothing is really truly as terrible as everyone thinks it is. but I wonder, is it telling the truth?

[ponderingthemind]

unconditional

I love you like the breeze that cools my tingling skin I love you like the waves that crash against my shins

I love you like a song when your voice warms my ears I love you like a poem, your favorite words that I hold dear

I hope you cherish my love, even if you're drawn to another and give it all away to someone who doesn't bother

I will love you without shame because I love you all the same

[poetryforall]

-Rumi

[ponderingthemind]

nicotine

ashtrays with smoldering roaches an exhale of scented air take one from the emptied carton the smoky smell fills my hair

a fresh cigarette is just what I needed though the buzz hums through me and my worries go to bed I need just one more cigarette to get you out of my head

[ponderingthemind]

how to be a corpse

that feeling when you're standing at the edge to make the jump requires resolve but my fragility's a problem I cannot solve

the weakling's way out is too much for my fragility maybe if I lay at the ledge nothing can stop me from falling all the way down

if I let myself go put my life on hold for days and days til my skin feels cold

[ponderingthemind]

in denial

the grit beneath my feet is not the sands of time, retreating at my touch spraying the waves of tan

the sparks that fly at the thought of you stir heat not in my thoughts, but flicker with desire for that famous, ferocious fire that is your lips on my skin, your hand on my thigh, your cheek against mine

that leap in my chest from yearning anticipation anxiety's thick chokehold words of affirmation, void of uncertain contemplation

I'm sure I want this, I say, when the clothes melt away, just want you to stay.

[ponderingthemind]

love is complacency

we often become complacent with the ones that we love we don't ask about their interests we don't wonder how they are

they're already in our lives, they've been conquered, they are known they will never leave the town

where they are that little girl the one who smiles and sings not a woman with many sorrows a woman with regrets and dreams

and new experiences and new love and new friends and new knowledge because the girl is always in your life, whether you show her love or scorn

family is bonded by blood though you've never seen her wounds just a little girl with untouched flesh not a scar to be shown

because no matter how she's doing, what new songs she's discovered what new movie she's obsessed with what new boy she adores your love for her is unconditional why would she ask for more?

[ponderingthemind]

crumbling ember

to me, he is a pile of coal and ashes a fire burned dead, from lack of kindling I no longer mourn the warmth lost knowing what it would have cost if i had stayed

but sometimes, the wind sweeps the ashes and forces, into the open, a small burning ember embedded in the black dust

for a moment it briefly lights orange glowing a bright flare with skin-searing pain but then it's doused in pouring rain and there it dies once more

in the mound of coal and ashes

[ponderingthemind]

finish your food

his lips on mine as he takes in my taste his warm hands grip my thighs, leaving nothing to waste first he's light as a butterfly gently as a deer from me emits a deep sigh he smiles and says, "right here?"

then all I can feel is him his tongue tied with religious fervor his worship according to his whim my body shudders with a tremor

he looks so good down there, tasting me and teasing me my fingers lilt down and grip his hair as I whisper to him, "please"

sparks tingle across my skin pleasure warm across my lips

the warm sheets bundle in my fingers the sighs grow louder into a cry the aching need in me lingers with every hot wave of this high

[ponderingthemind]

lovelessness

love can be a gentle whisper a warning behind your ear a glimpse at the corner of your eye a skipped heartbeat or sharp inhale that you're scarce to notice

love can also be intense an ocean that washes over you a desire so pure and so strong you writhe with agony and contemplare why

for me, love is like a window I can observe from afar the fleeting moments and heats of passion alike under my hopeful gaze but I can never feel

for love is like a void what enters is destroyed what I try to give gets sucked back in the bottomless vacuum where it's dark and lonely and frigid

try as I might, I will never know love's embrace for as long as the void exists I can have nothing

[ponderingthemind]

as painless as falling asleep as quick as the blink of an eye let the waves drag your feet, let the whispers tug you in

soft tones tickle your ear, leaving the earth behind pass through the roof, the leaves, the air breathe in the fluffy, crisp clouds

the stars twinkle in greeting space envelops you, a blanket wrapped right its void strips and unravels your nerves like a mishappen thread of a woolen sweater

it frees you of pain

why were you so afraid of leaving?

[ponderingthemind]

things I experienced in the psych ward (from weird to worst):

dude who said I was ugly and hated me for no reason

woman who went through people's rooms and wore their clothes

she also would go on the phone and pretend to talk to people, or accuse people who were using the phone of talking to no one

vomit in the water fountains

slept on a mattress on the floor for half the time because they didn't have enough beds

styrofoam plates because people would use plastic trays to hit each other

woman with lung issues who was coughing and gagging for days before they finally transported her to the hospital

guy who said he gets hungry for Chinese every time he looked at me

^ same guy flirted with an employee and a patient (both 18, he was 35…)

teen who claimed he was a gang leader and had k*lled people

me and another patient came up with a list of ways of how we could still k*ll ourselves in the ward

accidentally pissed off an anorexic girl by eating in front of her

old man called me a North Korean and flipped me off and tried to fight me

^ also jerked off in front of the employees

new patient came in screaming the N word and trying to fight the workers

3/10 wouldn't recommend, at least I got to keep my piercings

[ponderingthemind]

people pleasing

I am hesitant to describe myself as a "people pleaser" because if I am one, I'm doing a very poor job of it. My friends have expressed more than once that they aren't quite sure if I like or care about them. So I try harder to care and show that care through my actions and words. Though I've improved, I know it's never enough. Sometimes, it is too exhausting to care. In those moments, I know I have failed them and I've failed myself. That I have succumbed to the fear of loneliness, to the shell I have built around myself in case they ever leave. I'll leave them first, I tell myself.

It's not a crime to want to be loved, just like everybody else. If I can be the person they think I am, control their perception of me, then I can have that love. I can pretend, for a moment, that I deserve that love, even though I am a liar. I can pretend, for a moment, that I am not a shell of a person whose personality is built on being palatable to everyone around me. I can pretend, for a moment, I am not a miserable scar on this earth that wallows in self-pity while digging herself deeper and deeper into a hole of her own creation. I have no one to blame but myself for that.

[ponderingthemind]

clean slate

my knees hurt my mouth is dry my body aches with how hollow it is here I sit, spinning and spiraling as my brain wrings out every thought it dares to make red bubbles up in the cracks, swelling until it bursts in a dark splat.

I dip my toe into the water, the chill thundering through me, causing me to quiver. it tempts me with it's nothingness, the thrill of forgetting to twist my mind in coils until it runs clear. there is nothing I want more in this world