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Macho Man Dick Tandy versus Sickly Bob Bobbert, the 1987 wrestling match heard round the world. This is where bird flu started.

#solarpower

Panda in captivity.

Shhhh

Clandestine operations are everywhere. They are all around. Quick! There's one happening behind you right now! No, you missed it. Now you're dead. #snugglefresh

Uh oh. My beer is empty.

My best friend, Wally. He's always smiling like that.

What is that thing? You know the one. An upcomma?

self

#mylittleponies davidsedaris

My new vegan diet starts now.

#cinderellastory

Uncle Carl, NOOOOOOOO!!!

#twiddlywinks

My coffee drank itself. It knew what would happen. And it did it anyway.

#consequenceswillneverbethesame birds

My cousin Lewie ate a whole lot of paint chips as a kid. Don't worry. He's fine.

#go blackhawks

This map of the U.S. was designed by birds. BIRDS ARE ADMINISTRATING OUR SCHOOLS, WITH THEIR HOLLOW BONES AND THEIR SKEWED VISION OF DEMOCRACY! #vigilance

#avianboo

Some days, I just can't even, you guys. #canteven

#can't even

My Accounting test was super hard. I tried to find net income by taking revenue minus pan, but I think my math was off; I wound up with a net loss of taste buds. Seems wrong. Also, do flames have a normal balance of debit or credit? All I know is, I credited one of my eyebrows. And debited my pants. B-

#nationalpancakeday

This is Antonio. His favorite color is potato.

#oscars

This optoelectronics has already enhanced your personal life.

FOUND: One partially eaten piece of dry toast. LOCATION: Chicago Hilton Hotel lobby chair arm. DESCRIPTION: Dry. Toasty. Partially eaten. Toast-colored. LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT CAUSED BY DISCOVERY: Platinum. REWARD STATUS: Will return to owner for $11 reward given in cash or equivalent value in Big League Chew.

Auditions.

Holding open auditions for a hippo parade. Tomorrow, 3am, street corner near my house. Hippos only. No fatties.

#diy

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