What No One Tells You About Getting Better
Everyone talks about the fall — the crash, the chaos, the rock bottom. There’s language for the spiral. There are movies about the wreckage. But no one really talks about what happens after.
No one tells you that getting better is boring. That it’s lonely. That it doesn’t feel like a victory most days — more like losing the only parts of you that made anything feel bearable. That it’s not some glittery phoenix moment. It’s brushing your teeth when you don’t give a shit. It’s showing up when you’d rather disappear. It’s learning how to fill hours that used to be soaked in vodka or distractions or whatever else kept the silence away.
Getting better looks like:
deleting someone’s number and still checking if they texted
buying groceries you’ll probably let rot because trying counts
standing in a room full of people and still feeling like you showed up to the wrong life
cravings that feel like grief
cravings that feel like nothing — which is somehow worse
realizing you don’t miss the substance, you miss the permission to not care
post-acute withdrawal fog so thick it feels like pregnancy brain but without the baby to blame
faking joy when someone says they’re proud of you and you’re mid-relapse
white-knuckling your way through 7pm like it’s a haunted hour
brushing your teeth like it’s a goddamn Everest expedition
taking a bath without a bottle of merlot and wondering how comfort got so clinical
having everything — your own apartment, a new job — and feeling lonelier than ever
moving back in with your family and realizing you’ve changed too much to fit the space you left
missing the person you were when you were drunk: fun, loud, untouchable
staying sober not because you feel strong, but because you’re scared of what happens if you don’t
wanting to scream “I’m a mess” at every person who says, “You look so good now”
Getting better is supposed to feel like coming back to life. But sometimes it feels like watching it happen from behind glass.
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