Postbreakup?

Sad times. Funny times. Weird times.

[postbr-akup]

8/9/24

It was so much easier to just get hit. Navigating emotional tyranny is not for the weak.

[postbr-akup]

It’s just like a breakup. I’m only in love with the idea of this job.

[postbr-akup]

11.3.21

I forgot what would have been our 4th anniversary. Completely missed it. I don’t even think of you anymore unless I’m trying to trust and enraged that my body is so resistant to it.

[postbr-akup]

6.20.19

It was a store bought crust. I thought I could fake it. I thought the universe wouldn’t notice and would just see that I was in love.

[postbr-akup]

There is no coincidence in the fact that you broke up with me just a day after you posted a thirst trap and realized that people hotter than me wanted to fuck you. I can’t believe I was so in love that I was completely blind to the fact that you’re a narcissist. If I was a narcissist therapist, you know how I would gain their trust? Going to all of their shows. Fawning over them just a bit.

You said you were working on figuring out why you didn’t see me as a priority. Spoiler alert, it’s because I didn’t fit your perfect mold.

[postbr-akup]

3.25.19 happy birthday

Stop using you leaving me as a way to get pity from people. You are truly not a victim in this. You don’t know how to exist when everyone isn’t swarming you with attention and praise in any capacity. You don’t actually do the work, you just post about it for likes. You’ve spent plenty of time trying to convince me that I have a warped view of our relationship and I only saw the negative but that’s what it was. 4 years of you treating me like I was unworthy to exist in your amazing presence and that you weren’t actually abusive, selfish and ego driven. You’re really just afraid that I’ll tell people how you really behaved. You’re a textbook narcissist and you have no place in my life.

[postbr-akup]

3.23.19 9:33pm

You haven’t had the time to sit down and think about what you want from me or even how you feel about me but when I told you I loved you and you said thanks, you made it clear how you didn’t feel about me.

When you gave me my car back trashed and a thousand miles overdue for an oil change it was another reminder that anything that has an attachment to me will always be on the back burner. You know that I’ll pick up the slack and still be around so you don’t have to try. I’m done giving you opportunities to do this.

I think you have this idea in your head of me either drinking, partying and pretending to be alright or struggling to exist without you and the reality is, neither of them are accurate. I have very real moments where I miss you and think maybe I should reach out and then I remember that you abruptly left after telling me you only saw me as a friend. After marrying me without being in love with me. You don’t know what you want but I do and it’s more than you can give me.

[postbr-akup]

3.10.19

9:11pm

It’s so funny how my brain works. Last night I didn’t miss you at all but today, seeing the changes in your face and not touching them, you’re gone for who knows how long and I’m aching for you.

9:57pm

I need you to stop telling me that you’re going to or probably going to come back to the apartment and then not doing it. It’s really hard and it feels even worse because you know me better than anyone so you know what it does to me.

11:34pm

I feel so alone. I love my friends but I don’t have the same connection with them that I have with you and I can’t find the same comfort in them that I found in you and I don’t know what to do with that.

[postbr-akup]

3.9.19

11:06

I work 10 hour days and was responsible for taking care of the entirety of household duties because you wouldn’t step up but yes, fuck me for not having hobbies and a creative life.

As soon as I started to stand up for myself and ask for help and declare my unhappiness with the amount of emotional labor I was doing, you were quick to disconnect.

[postbr-akup]

3.8.19

6:25pm

You never spoke up. You never said, “My feelings aren’t the same, let’s try something new.” You let it die without ever questioning it or doing any work.

7:33

I’ve been alone for the last 2 years. They have been entirely about you and no one else. I only existed in your space.

[postbr-akup]

3.7.19

7:06

I woke up early. Nervous for you. Wishing I could snuggle you until you had to go.

1:56

I spent 4 years unwilling to give up on you for fear that you would view me as someone who abandoned you.

10:15

How are you feeling? What are you thinking?

10:38

When I started to feel good about taking photos again, you made fun of me for the photos I posted and I never shared any with you again. That was me trying to eat out and do something and you shut it down, but yeah, that’s my fault.

[postbr-akup]

3.6 8:36am

You just quit. You never communicated that you wanted to see me passionate about something other than you, you just said “Do something I can be proud of.” You never cared enough to communicate what you needed from me to make this relationship work because you had no intention of trying to make it work. You thought that focusing on you would make it better. I hate that the second you started to feel good, it was a que to push me out.

9:35am

There were a thousand different intersections where this didn’t have to be the result. One time I just flat out asked you what you needed in a relationship to be happy and you had no answer.

10:06am

There were a dozen other options. I left room for you to work on yourself because I thought that that was how you were going to make room for me but you spent the you time completely disconnecting yourself from me instead of appreciating the space I was holding for you.

10:35

Standing in our home that you’re leaving and all I can think is “I picked you. Every time. Even when it was hard. Even when it cost me. And it got me nothing.”

3:35

Is it easier to make small talk with me or not talk to me at all? I miss you. I miss when you would come home and sprawl out on me.

3:41

How’s your heart? Do you miss me?

4:06

What the fuck are we doing?

11:33

I miss feeling safe with you. You’re little but your arms around me always felt big.

[postbr-akup]

I don’t want you to think I’m not thinking about you because I am...almost constantly. But you’ve brought up needing distance a bunch of times and I decided to do the hard thing and give you as much as I physically could. I’m only a few miles away.

I just ordered room service. A salad and fries. Extra ranch. I wish you were here.

[postbr-akup]

3.5.19

I went 27 hours without talking to you. I hit a wall around 13 hours and cried and cried and cried before I went to bed. I miss my person. My heart feels like a massive hole. You asked me if I was stopping by tonight and for a minute, I wanted you to want me to. I can’t. I want to more than anything. I want to tell you all about my trip and sobbing in a bar holding hands with Becca while we collectively grieved losing our people. But I can’t. I want to kiss you with the most relaxed lips and bury my face in your neck and breathe you in and remember when everything felt good but I can’t. The good is getting smaller and smaller. I can remember the times that felt empty or neutral or where I felt neglected but not good. The last time you made me feel good, I’m assuming it was forced.

[postbr-akup]

3.4.19

Today was the longest day ever. Every time I had a great new experience or ate something amazing I was immediately hit with a sharp pain in my heart because I couldn’t share it with you. You are still the only thing that makes sense to me. Even when we didn’t have the romance you were still my constant. You are my person and I don’t know how to let that go.

[postbr-akup]

2.28.19

I hate that my self preservation mode is anger. I hate that I have no control over any of this. I hate that all I want to do is crawl in bed next to you and fall asleep in your arms. Tell you all about my day and my new friend and make it all the way through without crying. You play with my hair and kiss my head and let me stay there until my ear dents your chest and you can’t get my hair out of your mouth. You move me to my side of the bed but you’re gentle about it.

One time I watched you take a picture of me on FaceTime when you thought I was asleep. I thought I could never love you more.

[postbr-akup]

What will I wear when you make your declaration to our therapist that you no longer want me?

Puppies? Sure.