canât even remember the last time I was on here.
I wish I was more consistent with the monthly rants, but Iâm glad I still have some from a while back.
2019 and 2020 thus far have been probably the best years of my life and it only gets better from here.
I guess for my own sake to look back on years from now, Iâll reflect on each month from this year and last year.
January 2019: I turned 22. I got to turn 22 on the 22nd. That month was jam packed with lots of drinking. Unfortunately the holidays prior to that were low-key depressing. First set of holidays without both my dadâs parents. To see that man get so emotional and hurt just hit me different.
Met a guy at a club during the the week of my birthday. I was on all kinds of shit that night. My rave fam always knows how to have a good time. I didn't think much of it. He was cute. Tall. Seemed nice. Got my instagram that night.
A week before that I ended up making out with a coworker that was low-key into me for a while I guess.
This was the start of my problematic love life.
February 2019: idk why I was so headass for the guy I met in the club. Recently someone asked if it was e love and honestly it might've been. Iâd like to believe i just really enjoyed being in the company of someone so sweet and around a guy that didnât just want me for sex. Although I did take his virginity not too long after we met.
I was so headass for this guy that I asked him to be my valentine. Fuck lol. He had no intentions of asking me and I think that kinda fueled me to act a fool in vegas that same weekend even tho i told him i wasn't going to mess around. welp whatever. i had a great time in vegas. that coworker ended up being in the same club and took care of me while i was lit.
idk how i fall so easily for people and then fuck it up when i go for the wrong person lmfao.
March 2019: this is when I decided that I can't be a two timer and I need to choose one. Til this day i kinda regret choosing who i chose, but then again I don't regret all the great times in between. However, i couldn't stop myself from thinking about my coworker from time to time. shit was weird.
Coworker took me out to eat. had a great time. had to ghost him by posting my other guy on my story and we stopped talking from that point on.
April 2019: Honestly can't remember much from this month lol
May 2019: Jesus. This was the month I met my dudeâs family. His momâs side at least. It was low-key fucking awkward but his auntâs were cool and liked that i was a nurse. I also met his parents early on and they were really nice. Very welcoming and accommodating. It was weird meeting filipino parents that had no idea how to cook. at all lmao.
Ah yes this was the month I went to edc and knew that it was my dudeâs graduation the day after the last day of edc. I wasn't  planning on going at all but my ading guilt tripped me into going.
I drove back to the valley after two hours of sleep to make in time for this fuckerâs graduation. Sat through it with his parents. Told him i loved him that night after realizing all that i did and thinking he would understand and feel the same way. did he say it back? of course not lmao
June 2019: Pretty sure I went home for fathers day or my dadâs birthday. These next two months were a bit of a blur but i do know i was spending a lot of time at my exâs place. i basically lived there. for months i was only at my own place for a day or two at a time. it was bad. lol the fact that i drove 30 miles round trip to this foolâs house and back to mine or to work was insane.
During this time he just lost his job. i hella felt bad for him but in reality i think the reason he got fired was bc he didnât know how to be adult or be professional. i didn't realize it then but he was pretty selfish and naive for someone who just graduated college.
July 2019: pretty much just stayed home a lot during the honeymoon phase with this guy. he didn't know or even liked to plan anything for us to do. i began to realize how sensitive he was. how mentally and emotionally unstable he was. how his parents sheltered him from everything. how he didn't know how to stand his ground or even consider the feelings or needs or wants of someone he supposedly âloved.â
our close mutual friend had to literally threaten him into asking me to be his girlfriend. why tf did i cry when he asked me out in a trader joes parking lot with flowers?? and he made me pay for the food we ate right after??? why was i so blind?? fuck i was too nice. i shoulda known i deserved better in that moment. never settle for less ladies!!
August 2019: we went to real street. probably one of my most favorite concerts. got to meet some of my exâs friends and had a good time with them. my adings came thru and it was cool seeing them.
the end of my bsn program was during this month i think. it was so fucking great to be done with school. finally got those 5 letters next to my name.
September 2019: i think this was the first time my ex met my entire family. it was alright. he was shy and low-key boring and awkward. my family admitted they thought he was nice for a kid. i didn't need a kid tho. i wanted a man.
October 2019: planned out a surprise dinner for this fool. it was alright. this was the peak of his stress headaches bc i was pushing him so hard to figure out his life. i pushed him so hard that he would get migraines. i felt bad but also if i didn't meet him how tf would he survive in the real world? aint my problem anymore and never was tbh
November 2019: probably the best month we had together. we went to vancouver. mind you i planned a whole ass trip to see my exâs family. all this fool had to do was buy his ticket. the trip was definitely an eye opener for both of us. despite us being separated now, I'm thankful to have met them and everything they taught us.
seeing canada and experiencing so much there was amazing. hearing Ate Steph reassure me that things will be okay. that i need to look out for myself as much as i was looking out for my ex. that people like him may need more time to grow with or without someone but their side.
also during that trip this fool was having crazy stress migraines again and it sucked but oh well
December 2019: i have a feeling this is when things started to go downhill. ngl I'm not proud of the things i did from this point on and i probably should've just broke up with my ex during this time.
had a secret santa with friends. it was cool.
couldn't go home for christmas so i spent it with my ex. it was alright. gift giving is low-key a big love language for me and what he got me was more catered towards what he would like and well we didn't really like the same things so u can kinda figure out how awkward that reaction was on my end.
spent christmas with his dadâs side and it was low-key comforting to be surrounded by such a big family. i never got to have that. at some point his mom thanked me for making things so easy for them.
January 2020: finally got to go to countdown. around new years eve i had this innate urge to tell my coworker how i constantly wonder what if we would've met. why there was still this weird tension between us. he was drunk so i thought he would've forgotten everything. didn't know what to expect when i said all that but he essentially felt the same way.
i was able to see all my friends at lock and key for my birthday. it was fucking amazing. i was fortunate enough to celebrate my birthday before covid hit. i really thought my ex would've known how to make me feel special on this night but of course he fell short. the thing he had planned for my bday was alright. again he did something he would like but didn't really care to cater towards something i would like.
February 2020: honestly valentines day mustve been really bad bc i don't remember it at all. im sure i went home for my momâs birthday. thats all that really matters.
March 2020-October 2020: can't believe its been 7 months but honestly from december of last year up until october of this year it was just constant fighting. fighting and getting back together. this fool had the audacity to say he doesn't like to fight and doesn't understand why we keep fighting so much. a real man would've considered what his girl is going through and try to understand. being able to compromise doesn't always mean meeting halfway. it means that sometimes you have to set your feelings aside to be there for that person.
during the peak of covid we were living together but tell me why i still felt so lonely. i felt like no one understood me. no one was there for me even tho i was sleeping next to someone every night. i tried lowering my standards. i tried to do things on my own, but yet this guy would be like well does that make you happy if you lower your standards and do your own thing? like no shit sherlock it doesn't make me happy but id do whatever it takes. something he never understood bc til this day everything revolves around him.
at this point we were just fooling ourselves. we had too many close calls of breaking up during september and october. no matter how many times i forced him to consult my friends for help or how many times we went back to my parents place to escape or even going to san diego, he just didn't understand how to value someone, how to love someone, and to even love himself. i felt like i was raising someone to be a man and to be a boyfriend. i gave too much of myself to someone who was only giving me a little bit.
despite all this bs, im forever grateful of the people i became so close with. my sd adings, lions den, work squad, and carla. my ride or dies.
when me and carla broke up with our exes at the same time, she was complaining that she needed new hoes and somehow convinced me to download a dating app with her.
i was not taking it seriously whatsoever but i just happened to meet a guy.
November 2020: i drunk texted him. met him a week earlier than we scheduled to meet. the connection was unreal. the chemistry. the mental attraction. physical attraction. everything i could ever want in a partner was sitting right in front of me.
people say i fall fast but i feel safe doing that this time. someone who knows how to value me as a person and my time, someone who is so professional and ambitious, loves to cook, loves to make people feel comfortable, loves to adventure but yet knows how to save money, someone so family oriented, so funny and witty and sarcastic, essentially someone i can see myself spending the rest of my life with.
after so much bs you kinda just know when its the one. i hope he never sees this lol but i love him.
2021: we have so much planned for this year and our future. im sure there will be another lockdown but whatever. i have someone that will understand me and will be there for me when i need him most and ill be there for him. life works in mysterious ways and all i can say is always trust in Godâs plan. doors close but doors will always open. Always.
