Story of my life

Life is just like an empty plain book we're you will can wrote your own introduction and contents of it. 📃

[poyslifestory]

😭😭😭 just what to die to not feel this so much pain

[poyslifestory]

A letter to GOD

God, if I am not meant to be lucky in everything, i only ask that you give me strength to get through each day.

Until the days comes when my time in this world is over.

I still believe that everything happens for a reason, though I still don't know your purpose, but I am patiently waiting for your enlightenment.

god, in one of my weakest points, please continue to lead the way for me.

[poyslifestory]

A letter to GOD

I don't really know what your plan for our life. But still hoping that all the pain that i experienced the past few years and this 2024 that gives me more anxiety and depression. It will help me be stronger to hold on.

I'm not waiting in return, but still hoping for those things I always pray. not only for me but for the whole family i have.

I hope you are still listening to all the prayers I'm asking in my heart. i know you had a reason why you got my mom in that way of death she experienced. I'm sorry for telling you all the pain and all those things running in my mind.

Pasensya na GOD if i really don't know where to start again because I'm afraid to trust anyone anymore. I'm afraid of betrayal again, it's too much already, GOD.

[poyslifestory]

A letter to GOD

Day by day, i feel more anxious, more depressed, I don't really know why? I'm always telling myself that there's still a way. To be honest, I'm just tired of being the person i was.

I really want to fight back, but I'm tired of getting rejected. I'm tired of not being the one. I'm tired of comparisons to others just because I'm not doing the same thing. I'm tired of pleasing everyone. I'm tired of showing who I really am. Alam ko, you know everything that my heart wants, not only for myself, but also for those people I love the most.

do we really need to suffer in your plan? Is it the way you treat the one you created? its this your plan for our life?

[poyslifestory]

A letter to GOD

Hi GOD,

I know you're surprised that I'm talking to you nowadays, after my mom took her life. I actually don't know where to start. because it's really hard. It's hard to say that I'm okay even though I'm not okay. I'm tired of the challenges you're giving me. I don't want to give up, but you are always giving me a reason not to trust your plan.

alam ko i don't have the right to question you? But, God, can you please give me a pause? kahit saglit lang.

You know, GOD, my mom always taught me to thank you for everything, i was. i was so thankful for all the blessings you gave to me. I am always thankful for every single journey of mine that you blessed me. for all the prayers you answered, i was so overwhelmed. kasi, i felt that you really exist. Do you remember the day that i almost died? i almost hanged myself as my mom did. i was 3rd year of high school that time. but you saved me. Do you still remember i was praying for a better life for my parents? i want to get a job that could help us a lot, and you answered it. i got a job that really helps us a lot.

And then i pray that you could remove me from the toxicity of my work. and you give me more sustainable jobs abroad. you really heard my prayer. do also remember when i said, "GOD" please give me someone who could help me find myself a person who will stay with me, love me for who i am without judgment, without explaining myself, a person who with accept me, my past and everything about me. you answered it. and you give us two beautiful and handsome kids.

But, God, why my prayers for my mom you didn't answer it. sabi ko lagi sa mga dasal ko na sana makita ni mama yung liwanag pabalik sayo at samin. hindi ko sinabing kunin mo sya samin GOD. bakit ganun its always say that you giving light to those who lose in the darkest of there life pero why you didn't try to help my mom.?

I know you have the reason for all, but it's too early, i still want to see my mom fulfil her dreams to have a home, not in a casket that everyone hates to see because it means goodbye. i have a lot of plans for my mom, even though we have a lot of arguments, but you took it her like a snap of a finger. the most painful thing my mom died not because of a disease she died because of this sickness that no one could know when it would be there and hard to notice. Why did you create this sickness that everyone was so weak about, that no one could escape and find a way out?

Depression was one of the causes of death for all the people around the world. why this word kill a lot of people. who have dreams, a family, friends and kids.

GOD, i hope there are no more people who will suffer from this sickness that was created by your people. i hope everyone will be nice to each other.

[poyslifestory]

I thought it's OK, but still painful.

Hi

its been a while, do?

how everything then? how's life?

To be honest, i really don't know anymore. If i was okay or I'm fine? After this moment of my life when i experienced losing someone who really mattered the most to me, the most painful chapter of my life. i can even imagine how to be OK in front of those people around me. i was trying to be OK by word, but this inner voice that i heard behind that smile was asking me to stop, every time i choose to be okay.

All i thought i already moved on after my mom died because of depression. yes, my mom died because of this sickness that no one could see. And i was also suffering in the same situation as my mom. i will be honest, i told to my mom that let us seek help. but she refuses it and says she's not that crazy to do it. i want to tell her that time, but i lost the courage to say it. I'm afraid that she will judge me or question me. that I'm just acting to convince her.

A few years ago, we went on a vacation in the province. i was crying too loud, and my mom hugged me. (that the last time she hugged me so tight,) And asked my wife what the problem why I'm crying. My wife didn't reply to my mom and I'm afraid to tell her as well because i know how hard her life already and i don't want to put the weight that I'm carrying behind.

but every time i close my eyes, i hear those painful words that criticise and blame us for my mom's death. i can't really imagine that these words will come to my relatives who are from my mom's side. i was expecting that they would be there for us. But I'm wrong, they throw us like a piece of paper, which is useless. they judge us like they were the law of life. that they're the only son of God.

i will not be sarcastic, but i will tell the truth, I'm still in pain. Even i want to move on, in this cruel game of life, i can't. i don't know when i will be healed totally. But I'm sure that they will never be a part of my story anymore; they will be a stranger to me now. Like there's no more bloodline running in my veins like them.

[poyslifestory]

There are two things that comes on my mind to deal with my own or let thing just flow like its supposed to be.

[poyslifestory]

Hi!?

How are you?

How everything?

Its been awhile, i know that you are in the stage of getting back yourself. Your getting better than the last time you look yourself infront of a mirror. I know that there still sorrow feeling in your heart. A feeling that you cant even control. Im proud to our self because little by little your going find yourself again and back to the race of life.

[poyslifestory]

Dear self,

How are you?

You seem okay?

Do im right?

I know that your trying your best, just keep on holding. I know its quite hard but i know that your still there. Still holding those dreams you wanted. There are so many plans you wanted to make it. But you dont even know how? And to whom to ask for help? Just trust the process we both know that god had a better plan for all just go to the flow of life.

Your confused are you? You dont even know which thoughts you depend on.

[poyslifestory]

FATHERS PAIN

Its to painful to hear to your child na masasabi nya na yung ibang bata my daddy pero sya nasa airplane. Oo, nakakatawang pakinggan pero pag ikaw na pala yung nasa sitwasyon ramdam mo yung emosyon na pinaparating ng anak mo. Na intindihan ko, masakit aaminin ko na ganun na pala yung mga tumatakbo sa isipan nya sa ganung gulang.

[poyslifestory]

Dear self,

I am so glad you stand up even i know na pinipilit mo lumaban. Thats enough you made that far already kaya mo yan wag ka lng bibitaw dahila alam ko in somehow makakaalis ka din dito sa sitwasyon na meron ka.

Alam ko mahirap pero alam kong kaya mo dahil isang strong na tao. Alam kong hinanghina kana dahil sa mga experience mo sa buhay pero gamitin mo yun para lumakas ka ulit. Mahirap uu, pero alam kong kaya mo

Maniwala ka lang sa puso at isip mo!

[poyslifestory]

DEAR SELF,

Wag kang susuko, kaya mo yan poy!

Ikaw pa ba...

Alam kong kayang kaya mo lagpasan lahat ng pinagdadaanan mo ngayon. Kilala kita hindi ka basta basta sumusuko.

Isipin mo nalang yung mga pangarap na natupad.

At marami ka pang tutuparin na mga pangarap mo.

Alam ko yun at alam kong kaya mo!

Napagod ka lang siguro dahil sobrang toxic na nang mundong ginagalawan mo. Alam ko rin na kapag ganun na sitwasyon iniiwas mo na yung sarili mo. Pero sa ngayon kailangan mo mag stay for the long time. Kasi ito lang yung choice na meron ka sa ngayon.

Kaya mo yan bangon lang ng bangon poy! Hindi mo man makita yung mga sagot sa mga tanong mo but soon makikita mo din yun. That your more than enough. And your still worth it to be loved and to be understood. Wag mo sana bibitawan yung sarili mo yun lang yung pakiusap ko sayo sana wag kang mapagod, wag kang mapagod na intindihin yung nararamdaman mo dahil alam kong valid yan lahat.

Kung mapagod ka man, magpahinga ka sumigaw ka ilabas mo yung galit mo like before if your stress you buy the things that you like. Eat the food that make your tummy full or you cook the food you saw online to eat.

Pero sana wag mong bitawan yung sarili mo dahil yun na lang yung meron ka, yun na lang yung meron kang makakapitan sa ngayon. Alam ko walang makakaintindi sayo at sa pinagdadaanan mo. At walang nakikinig sayo pero andyan lang yung sarili mo nakikinig kaya umiyak ka lang hanggan kaya mo.

Dahil pagtapos ng iyak alam kong matatapos din yan. Dahil strong person ka. Kaya ka nga andito pa diba!, kasi kinaya mo. May tiwala ko sayo poy. Kasi remember that day that you almost want to die and just jump in marikina river just to be gone on that rainy day, But you still choice to stay. Which im so thankful about. That we made it that faraway now. Kasi di ka bumitaw di ka bumitaw sa mga pangarap na gusto mo pang gawin.

Kaya sana wag kang bibitaw. Wag na wag! Nakikiusap ako. Madilim man ngayon yung dinadaanan mo may makikita ka ding liwanag kahit papaanu. Hawak lang ng mahigpit.

Love,

Yourself

[poyslifestory]

Ang dami gumugulo sa isip ko? Ang dami kong tanong, Na halos di ko na alam kung anung uunahin ko? Ang hirap nang ikaw lng yung lumalaban para sa pangarap mo ang hirap ng halos ikaw lng yung nagiisip ng paraan para makaalis na buhay na meron ka noon.

Kahit gustong gusto mong umalis sa sitwasyon na yun pero wala kang makitang makakatulong sayo. Na para ang liit liit na nang mundong ginagalawan ko. Na kung dati kaya mo lahat kahit imposible ginagawa mong posible. Pero bakit ngayon parang takot na takot kana magkamali ulit. Bakit ngayon parang hindi mo kaya gawan ng paraan yung mga dating simple na lang para sayo. Dati kahit napaka hirap ng buhay mo kinakaya mo, bakit ngayon halos andyan kana sa one step pero wala ka pa din nagagawa.? Nararamdam kong mapaka worthless ko na, yun yung na fefeel ko na hindi na ko worth it para sa sarili ko at para sa sa mundong to.

Gusto ko na umalis sa buhay na meron ako noon ayaw kong mamatay nang mahirap na lng habang buhay. Ayaw kong kahit sa kabilang buhay nakikita ko na hikahos yung pamilyang meron ako.

Siguro nga, tama sila napakataas kasi ng pride ko ng pangarap ko. Pero yun lng kasi ang meron ako yung sarili ko dahil sya lang yung kumakapit sa mga pangrap na yun pero bakit parang pati sarili ko di ko na kilala. Di ko na maintindihan di ko na rin makita yung worth ng pangarap ko. Gulong gulo na ko. Sabi pa nila chase your dreams pero bakit kahit anung gawin ko wala pa din.

[poyslifestory]

Bakit ganun? Kahit anung gawin ko di parin sapat? Kahit anung gawin kong pagpoporsige sa mga pangarap ko. Bat parang ang damot mo? I dont like to questioned you about my life? But why?

Bat parang lahat na lang ng hinihiling ko kailangan ko magtiis muna ko? Hindi kita maintindihan god. Pasensya kana kasi napagod lang siguro ko kakaantay ng para sakin. Alam mo naman simula bata ako pa ko marunong akong magaantay kahit sobrang tagal. Pero bakit ganun? Di kita ma gets?! Na pati sarili ko ni hindi ko na mapaliwanag kung anung nararamdaman ko. Buong buhay ko sinusubukan kong maging masaya. Para makita ng iba na ayos lng ako. Pasensya kana din kung minsan nawawalan naku nangtiwala sayo, minsan di ko na alam kong pinapakinggan mo talaga yung mga dasal ko lord. Minsan gusto ko magalit sainyo! Pero wala akong karapatan wala akong karapatan magreklamo kasi mahal ko kayo, alam kong mahal nyo din ako.

Pero god nakikiusap namn ako na pansinin mo namn sana yung mga dasal ko? Maawa ka naman sakin. Pagod na pagod na ko ang dami kong gustong ayusin. Ang dami ko pang pangarap para sa mga magulang ko kahit ganun yung pinaparamdam nila sakin. Gusto ko pa sila bilhan ng bahay na sakanila lupa na matataniman nila. Yung sasabihin nilang sa knila. Nakakapagod lng lord.

Gusto ko nang bumitaw sa mga pangarap na gusto ko gusto ko nang isuko lahat lahat nang gisto ko para sa pamilya ko. Na syang pangarap ko din na buoin at magkaroon ako.

[poyslifestory]

Yung na bigyan ka na ng pagaasa sa pangarap mo pero hindi pa pala yun? Kasi di parin sapat yung idea na nakuha mo.

[poyslifestory]

Enough just give that space she wanted. If she want this kind of set up give it. If you need to let go something you don't want to, but you had to do it. Let go!

I'm tired of being in this kind of space in my life. But still she brings that pain, pain that I tried to forget. I just wanna feel the life that is supposed to be. I just want a happy life. A happy life without sorrow, sometimes yes. I really thought she would understand, but maybe I just assumed again? But the real one wasn't there! It's just all about daydreams.. I don't want anymore to go back in this kind of fucking life. Just learn to be so attached to her to anyone anymore. Just enjoy your own life. Because they have their own as well, which they don't want to open up.

Stop crying now, your not the little dong I know anymore. You try everything to change. The new dong/popoy a person who don't care about the feeling of others...

[poyslifestory]

September 2021

I was in the peak of they called emotional breakdown. I write this two poem base on what I feel that day. I know I was been in this situation so many times of my life. But this one was really create a big space, it's create a big border line to those people I love. I can't even tell to those people who know me. I can't even shared it with my family. That I was been going through a rough time. I know is our choice to choose if we're gonna in or out in this break down. For my case I choose to be in so I could find the answer in all agony that I had. I break the silent that cause me to be out of focus on my goals. My advice for those people who been through in the same with me don't be afraid of facing your agony if no one want to listen, listen to inner you ask yourself, make a way and free yourself in a chain of misery. Find the thing that make you happy and start with it. Don't lost hope.

*SINK HOLE

I started to feel exhausted and anxious nowadays.

I felt like I was lost somewhere that no one knows.

I felt like I was all alone and left behind by someone.

I felt I was abandoned by those person I truly care about.

Am Trying my best to coat up all the pain that I have

But even how I tried to use this smiles

it still ended up with misery, the more i pretend

The more it kill me inside, the more i sink in the hole

The more i can't breathe, i was so suffocate with this hole

Hole of darkness that i cant even find the way out

A place where i can't see light, i try to run

But always leads me in more deeper dark of the sinkhole

The pain I feel was different from the past

It's more painful like tiring me up into pieces

Pieces that even how i'll strive to fix it,

Its just become more fragile, and more broken.

*IM DYING

I'm trying to inhale but I can't breathe

I try to run, but can't move my feet

I want to scream, but there is no sound

I want to talk but I can't speak

I try to ask for some help, but no one came

I attempted to end up this vitality

To end up the pain I feel, the agony that runs to my mind

Even how far I get I still stop in this line