how was ur Christmas?
It was really great! I was able to go home for it. It was short, it was less than 24 hours home. But I was glad to see my family.
i don't do bad sauce passes
I'd rather be in outer space šø
we're not kids anymore.

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@prancingunicorns
how was ur Christmas?
It was really great! I was able to go home for it. It was short, it was less than 24 hours home. But I was glad to see my family.
I donāt normally beg for gifts, but Iām drunk rn so I feel like itās totally acceptable. So the main things I want on there are the iron, ironing, board, and hamper. FYI. Because Iām broke and canāt buy normal human essential. #drunkposts
Itās still so surreal.
13 years ago, about this time now, my family was loading the car for a trip to Florida.
Itās so surreal, the trauma my family faced.
People have dismissed my trauma because it isnāt the typical PTSD people experience from abuse or from war or violence.
But my experience was traumatic. I canāt speak to how it impacted everyone in my family, but I can still vividly remember the terror of that experience.
Imagine waking up to the bouncing of your car as the trees on the left approached, screaming, only to see the trees on your right inches from your face.
Imagine the disorientation of not know what is up or down, hearing glass breaking, smashing of metal.
Imagine waking up in pain, pitch black, emptiness, not fully aware of what has happened.
Imagine hearing your brother, who was only separated from you by a tree, screaming that he canāt breathe.
Imagine EMTs counting off your siblings, like victims, as the try to account for everyone.
Imagine hearing, āwe canāt find Jesse.ā
Imagine being face up as youāre carried on a stretcher only to see nothing but ambulance lights surrounding the road.
Imagine forgetting your birthday or your social security number because youāre so full of terror.
Imagine the ambulance picking up speed as the EMTs identify your brotherās blood pressure dropping.
Imagine waiting alone in the trauma bay, having siblings roll in one by one.
Imagine your parents pulling a curtain around you so they can talk to you in private, and knowing what is coming.
Imagine the tears run down your dadās face as he chokes back the words that your brother died.
I can still hear those words in my mind.
āJesse. [pause] Jesse died.ā
Iām a broken record as I share my experience. I recently spoke with an old therapist about my urge to share or even RE-EXPERIENCE this in some twisted way. Something called re-enacting. She shared that this is common with trauma survivors as a way of making sense of what happened.
I know I share a lot about the pain of being forgotten during the accident. And I fixate on that and sometimes think that the pain of being āneglectedā (whether or not that was true, but thatās how my mind read it) was worse than the accident itself. But I donāt know. I think it might be similar to feeling anxiety. They say anxiety is a secondary emotion because itās easier to feel anxiety than to feel the real, hard emotion. Maybe thatās the truth with this accident. Itās easier to fixate on being lost or forgotten, then the trauma itself.
I know I over share. But forgive me. This is how I process things.
i need more recovery shit, but like depressed recovery. like satire. like i hate the world but hey at least iām alive shit.
if that fits your description PUH-LEAZ say hi.
Also.
Send me asks so I can spam YOUR dash.
(:
Dude - why the fuck did I unfollow literally EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. on my following tab?
My dash is so boring now.
I refresh it 10 minutes later and literally thereās one new post.
I used to never be able to stay on top of my dash.
Those were the days.
So letās recap the last 24 hours:
Spent time on couch with roommate on couch next to me, sitting in silence on our laptops
Went to bed almost exactly at 9 (played my awesomeĀ ācalmā app tunes to help me sleep - oh yeah, and my sleep med concoction)
maybe tonight Iāll add some benedryl in there
Slept for maybe 4 hours total last night because I was anxious about EVERYTHING that Iām not exchange about during the day plus what I AM anxious about during the day
Posted a long rant on instagram about being anxious about making up my mind abut getting a gym membership and how working out would help my anxiety
plot twist: rant was a plot to show my dad how important a gym membership is to me so he wouldnāt give me a hard time about spending ONE-HUNDRED-THIRTY DOLLARS A FUCKING MONTH on a gym membership (because itās literally the only noral gym nearby)
Went to work
Barely worked because anxiety and my thoughts flying off like a butterfly
Made up my mind that I am in fact going to get a gym membership tomorrow
Told my dad and I guess my plot worked because he didnāt give me a hard time
Yes I have to explain my finances to my dad because he has access to my bank account as YES he helps me out sometimes
Yes, iām fucking 29 years old about to turn 30 and i still lean on my dad for everything
yes heās going to die one day and iām going to be stuck trying to figure out my own problems
came home, ate dinner, made a shopping list of how iām going to eat healthy and not just eat ramen and candy for every meal
the end
How do you help them cope with hospitalization better? That sounds like a hard job? Do you ever work with children who are hospitalized for EDās or mental health?
I saw this ask a while ago but I guess I never answered. Ok - so we do a TON of normalization. this is especially helpful for younger kids who are hospitalized for long periods of time and donāt have the same opportunities to meet developmental milestones because thereās a lack of stimualtion within the four walls of the hospital. then, we do a lot of preparing kids for what to expect during medical procedures in terms that are easier for them to understand and words that are less scary. we also help support them DURING procedures. like we help distract them or give them tools to get through procedures. we also do something called medical play - thatās where we kind of role play medical procedures with dolls and medical equipment to help kids process their experiences or demystify medical equipment. Lots more, but those are some of the things that come to mind.Ā
Iāve come across several suicide attempt patients, i avoid them, like go out of my way to avoid them. too awkward because iām like, yeah been there done that totally understand (but itās also pretty sad when an 11 yr old tries to kill themselves so thereās that). Iāve had maybe one ED pt and i was kind of attracted to that case and then decided that i should probably stay far away from eating disorders (too tempted to cross boundaries and be like,Ā āsave yourself nowwwwā and also, there is no rationalizing with them so yah.
OK - so i used to have a good amount of followers. not like 15 k or anything, but enough where there was constant activity on my page. now i post here and there, but i never gain any new followers like i used to. aside from you know those wonderful pornstars who just seem to love me. so like how do you guys get real followers who are real people, and you know, kind of sort of relate to you?
Also, if any of my old followers still use tumblr every so often, respond or something to this post. I unfollowed everyone a while back because I one day woke up and realized I followed about 2k accounts and didnāt recognize anyone anymore. So now I donāt follow anyone really. So hi, letās reunite.
Woah guess what - posting from an actual computer. Itās been literally years since this has happened.
So in other news. Whatās happening in Sarah Land?
Well I currently have what Iād like to call the worldās worst job ever. Yeah yeah yeah, Iām a certified child life specialist. whatevs. But the people at my job are real douche bags. I work there 19 hours per week and the other 21 hours I work at state farm which is meh.Ā
Iām not miserable at state farm like I am at the hospital. And you might wonder why I donāt just switch to full time there while I look for another job (yes, Iāve been applying anytime something pops up nearby). Well, I make like 10 bucks an hour less at state farm than I do at the hospital. Thatās a whole frigginā lot of money that I especially need.
So yeah, Iāve applied to a few places. Hackensack, the bronx, NYC. I want to stay in this area. I need to stay hear for at least another 9-10 months until my lease is up. But I do really like this area.
Iām also applying to babysitting gigs to supplement what Iām making already. Because you know, living in jersey aināt cheap. Maybe making an extra couple hundred a month will help fund a gym membership for me (friggin 130/month).
But yeah. roommate stuff is okay. Iām pretty fucking sure she hates me and regrets letting me live here. But I like her. I just donāt think itās mutual. She does like that I take care of her cat when sheās gone though so thatās something.Ā
I also blacked out last night from alcohol before she got home, and I THINK I fell asleep in my room sitting up with my door open, but I somehow woke up with the door closed around 10 pm, so now Iām kind of worried I was like saying stupid shit in my sleep (or awake, whatevs) and she shut the door for me haha. I donāt think she thinks Iām an alcoholic or anything, but I think sheās knows iām a little crazy (but canāt quite wrap her mind around what it is about me).
Anyways, this was sort of a long post, but people occasionally ask me for updates so here it is.
oh wait, forgot to mention. Yes I still have an eating disorder. But itās kind of manageable, whatever that means.
They removed the lump.
I'm still waiting for the biopsy results.
Also I broke up with Patrick because of sex.
Ask me more if you wish.
I could only do 30 seconds but long story shortife is great and shit. But I have this huge ass lump on my tongue which I have to get biopsied. So on Wednesday they're putting me under general anesthesia and I'm getting some tissue carved out of the lump so they can examine it and see what's going on there. They are like almost 100% sure it's nothing but I think it's kind of a cover their ass thing in case it is something.
Youāre dating someone!?
ššššš„°š„°š„°
That wasn't an ordinary lollipop
We be good.