"I didn't want to socialize with people, as you know. I wanted my relationship to develop exclusively through cinema, shot and projected. But, of course, since I needed fresh prey, I had no choice but to talk to them, convince them, meet with them, take them out to drinks, meals… and as you know, I can't do things like that without some help. Fine let's not fool ourselves. The truth is… I needed pleasure, I didn't need help at all. Additional pleasure. So, just like that, I found myself trapped by so much bullshit that sucked all my energy, not knowing what would happen later, as if going round and round in circles, and completely forgetting about what I'd come here for. Finally there came a day when there was nothing new to see, nothing to surprise or amaze me, no strength to shoot, no nothing. My voice had faded, as had my looks. I quickly shaved and ate, and spent the whole day… surrounded by people who only got in my way. The last film had come out black. Other people had been using the camera and i didn't want to see it anymore and just tried to forget my cinema… or call it what you will… and perhaps kill myself. Where had all this ecstasy, magic and rapture gone? That 'state of grace' I wanted to get back? Where were my vanishing points? I couldn't even think about it. I'd wrecked it all. I was full of despair. I threw everyone out. Friends, lovers… and I cried, like i never had before. Neither on my worst days, nor at my worst private screenings had I ever cried like that before."
"'Be careful, relapses are the worst.' That's what they always say when the buzz wears off. And it's true. At night it hadn't been so bad, but now. it's been I, who wasn't up to certain things anymore. And again I'd lost the thread, the whole thread. I had neither the strength to cry for four days, nor to survive for one minute longer. And then… I recognized my allies. And I was embarrassed that i hadn't before. They're the creators of everything. I knew there was nothing to fear. I just had to surrender. They possessed me… devoured me… And I… I was happy to surrender. And why not? At the face of such passion… so total and 'enrapturing'. I always knew that cinema and I were up to something special together, based on mutual trust, or to the point, at least for me, on total idol worship."
