Yesterday was my first official therapy session where my therapist and I delved deep into what I am currently going through right now- the relationship and ultimately its breakup. I explained to him how the relationship dynamic was, the events that led up to my actions, and how it’s been going/how I’ve been feeling since then. Initially, I believed the hardest pill for me to swallow was the thought of you moving on to another woman and forgetting about everything we had together. To my surprise, this therapy session was an even bigger pill to take in.
I started off by explaining to him how I perceived our relationship- I believed we were absolutely perfect together, beyond compatible in every aspect. I told him about the adventures we’ve had together, the way we rarely if ever fought about anything, the way you took care of me when it came to a lot of responsibilities in life, such as cooking meals for me, looking out for my health choices, taking care of me financially and when it came to stability and grounding me. As I explained to him all of these things you did for me throughout our time together, it made me wonder: If I believed everything was so perfect between us, why did I cheat? I then continued to tell him that there was one thing that you lacked in providing me as time went on in our relationship- you stopped connecting with me emotionally. The things you used to do to make me feel so loved and secure, started to lack tremendously. I explained to him that there were so many attempts I made to try and beg you to connect with me emotionally again, but you never took it seriously. I would screenshot old conversations we’ve had and send them to you remind you how much I missed you speaking to me the way you did, how you used to tell me I was the love of your life, how you would tell me you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and marry me someday, how you used to compliment me on qualities about myself that you loved not solely based on looks, how you used to actually use Instagram to send me heart eyes on pictures of myself and comment on pictures and videos I posted showing how proud you were of me, how you used to surprise me with flowers just because, how you’d take me out on dates to just to see me smile, how you would randomly text me to tell me you missed me or just to let me know you thought of me, how you would take me out on adventures because you knew those moments together meant the world to me, how you would not only tell me you loved and cared for me but rather showed me through your actions, how you would let me cry to you while you held and comforted me in order to be my safe space, my home. Over time, those kind of things you did for me that made me feel emotionally validated and acknowledged, stopped. I would even try to beg you to meet me halfway somehow but it was almost like you had no motivation or need to anymore, because you knew you already had me and knew I would stay no matter what. You never reminded me anymore of the reasons why you loved me, and instead I would just hear that you loved me- almost like it was just a routine to say it. You stopped being attentive to my emotions as time went on, stopped making me feel acknowledged or even wanted by you as you used to make me feel before. I would remind myself of these moments and try to convince myself that part of you is still there with me, that the person I fell in love with was still there deep down and that you would do these acts of love and appreciation for me again someday. That’s why I held on for so long, until I realized they weren’t coming back. I told my therapist about the phone calls we had last week and how much they surprised me because I thought I would’ve never heard from you again, and I explained to him major parts of those phone calls that I could recall. You said you were aware that you were emotionally pulling back from me and becoming frustrated with me when I would try to ask you to connect with me again, because you said there was only so much you can do to help me when I would not even take the initiative to help myself and that I became emotionally dependent on you to fix me. You finally explained how much it also bothered you how I never took an initiative to make sexual first moves, something I honestly had no realization while we were together that it probably affected the way you perceived me and yourself in our relationship- in which I will explain more into depth later in this journal entry that I've realized.
My therapist made me realize as well that the way we never fought anymore, as much as I believed it to be an amazing thing and that we were so compatible in that sense, was not always a good thing in reality. He said fights throughout a relationship are totally normal and necessary because that is how you learn to work through your problems with that person instead of just avoiding conflict altogether. Arguments in frequency actually strengthen the relationship in the long run, so because the two you never really fought anymore was almost like a tiny red flag waving that you could not see at the time. I realized in that moment how right he was- that throughout the beginning and first year of us being together, we cared to have those arguments with one another and made the effort in doing so in order to learn each other. As time went on, we almost never fought anymore about anything. Both of us felt indifferent to anything the other did, which ultimately ended up with me feeling as though you did not care anymore, that nothing I did ever got a reaction out of you, that there was nothing left to fight for with us. As much as I want to believe that is a great quality to have to be that reactionless and indifferent about everything, it also made me feel bored or insignificant even. The more I began to think about it... I realized I stopped opening up to you about any problems or struggles I felt inside because of what happened from the Mammoth incident. I know you have tried to get me to help myself many times during that difficult time in my life I was experiencing, but that was not what I needed from you at the time. At first I thought that me needing emotional reassurance from you was a personal problem due to my trauma but after the therapy session, I realized that no I did not need from you at the time a response that was strictly solution based- to go get therapy on my own and fix myself while you needed time away from me because you could not deal with the emotional baggage I presented. I opened up to you about how I was feeling, and instead of trying to be there for me emotionally, you wanted to separate yourself and even told me that you could not see yourself spending the rest of your life with me anymore if I continued to be the way I was and you could not even say that you even felt you were still in love with me or felt anything for me anymore after that trip. Knowing now the way I need to feel loved by another person, you have absolutely no idea how deeply those words from you hurt me to my core. Looking back, I should have taken that time to step back from the situation and re-evaluate and ask myself: Is this truly someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with either? Someone who only does not know how to, but also makes no more effort to meet me emotionally anymore, when that is a quality I place so much importance on in a life partner? Instead of considering that to myself, I was so consumed romanticizing the good in our relationship that I was willing to pretend your words did not hurt me and pretended I was okay and that I was not torn inside by it, just so you would not leave me. When that should not have been the case at all looking back at everything- that is how I did realize now that I was co-dependent on your approval of me because I was willing to push aside things I look for in another person that make me feel loved, in order for you to stay. I realize now how unhealthy it was of the both of us the way we handled that situation and the outcome of it. Because of that, I stopped feeling that I could be open and vulnerable with you, because I was afraid it would just push you further away from me on top of the emotional disconnect from you I was already feeling. I was scared to “rock the boat” and ruin everything we had together. All I wanted was to have serious in-depth conversations with you about our relationship and everything, but I felt as though you did not want to have those with me because it just drained you. I understand we talked everyday, as if it became a routine to talk to each other from morning to night talking about our days saying I love you to one another, but the depth in those conversations lacked as time went on which I needed from you but did not know how to ask without feeling like I was asking for too much. It made me feel so terrible inside that the person I just wanted to speak with honestly and openly about everything did not reciprocate that feeling back. As a consequence, I masked those negative feelings down with alcohol just to avoid conflict from ever happening, which ultimately led my emotions to come to surface subconsciously in an uglier way.
I explained to my therapist that the last time you and I talked on the phone and even in the journal entry I sent you, was that we believed the root of what caused me to cheat was this lack of emotionally security from my childhood trauma growing up. I believed that because I never really received love growing up from my parents, that I was incapable of giving love to someone else. That I have nobody to blame but myself for what I did. He then told me, “You have to stop placing the blame on yourself and being so hard on yourself for what you did in the end. Yes- the fact that you cheated was not the best way to handle the situation, but there were many factors that played into it. Not just the trauma you went through growing up. You have to start looking at the relationship you had with Tom through a different lens, the one where you can step back and see everything at a bigger picture and not just fixate on what you did wrong and only the good moments in the relationship. And you need to be honest with yourself about what led you to cheat, and I’m going to tell you right now it’s not just about the childhood trauma. When someone cheats on their significant other, from my experience in dealing with married couples, the reasoning is because they felt that they were missing something with their partner. So let me ask you this and be honest with yourself about it: What was it you felt that you were receiving from Phil that you no longer were getting from Tom?” At first, I was confused because I truly believed my need for emotional reassurance and security was because of my trauma. He told me that as it does play a role in my attachment style to another person, it is not the entire reason for seeking certain qualities in a life partner and the way I need to feel loved. He said, “There is nothing wrong and even normal with needing emotional security and reassurance while in a relationship, and you even attempted to communicate with Tom about this yet he didn't really put the effort into working on that with you. You know what you need in order to feel loved by another person, and yes although that self-love and confidence partly comes from within, that also has to be communicated with your partner so they know how to love you and that will help you build confidence in the relationship as time goes on. Couples think of a relationship like it’s a contract of some sort, that you have to stay together until the end no matter even if your partner does not fulfill your needs anymore- that is not how it should be and people make that mistake. Relationships should be viewed more as a yearly lease, and as each year goes by you decide whether or not this relationship is still for you. Does this person still meet your needs in a relationship by the end of that lease? If they do, then continue. If they don't, you both need to discuss what needs to be worked on together and if you both are unable to meet those needs, then be free of that lease. If you both would have just sat down and had a serious conversation about your needs in a relationship and what you both needed in order to feel loved by the other, there would have been the possibility of you both putting the effort in working it out and it would have helped you feel more confident in your relationship with him instead of having a to seek out that emotional connection with someone else. This is why you ended up doing what you did with Phil, because he ended up showing you more of what you needed in a relationship as Tom began to pull back in that aspect.” My therapist then continued in saying, “You seem like the kind of woman that really places a lot of value in passion in a relationship. This is where you need to be honest with yourself too Priscilla in what you want out of a relationship- did you feel as though you got bored with Tom? You seem as though you like the qualities of risk and chaos in a relationship every now and then. Did you feel that you stopped feeling that way with Tom which led you to cheat on him with Phil?” At first when he asked me that, I felt almost ashamed and guilty for even thinking that because in reality I knew he was partly right and this is what he was talking about when he mentioned I needed to be honest with myself about how I felt throughout our relationship.
The last time you and I spoke on the phone, you asked me what I saw in Phil that led me to do what I did and what I did not see in you anymore. You told me that I did not have to answer that question yet if I did not have an answer, and I did not really explain it in its entirety at the time because I really haven’t pondered enough about it until the therapy session I had. You told me to let you know sometime when I figure out the reasoning as to why. I wanted to write this to you because I was reminded about that question throughout the therapy session, and I want to let you know in case you decide after this 3 month no contact rule to never speak to me again. I want you to know because I still care and know you want nothing but honesty from me from now on, and I do not want you to be left wondering that there was something wrong with you or that you are physically not as attractive as Phil- when honestly that was not it at all in my eyes. As I’ve mentioned before, I loved the way you provided me with security, stability, groundedness, the way you just know how to navigate through life responsibilities where I lacked because you've been on your own for a while, the way you took care of me in many areas of life. However, what my therapist shed to light was a cold hard truth for me to accept- although I loved those qualities you provided me, I place a huge importance on passion and excitement and emotional stimulation in a relationship as well. My therapist made me realize that these are what I need in a relationship to feel fulfilled- both the factors of stability and passion, not just one. You and I had both these things throughout the first year of our relationship I realized, which is why I used to be entirely present earlier in the relationship with you. However, as time went on, it just became stability and reliability from you. The things you used to do that used to excite and attract me- the flirting with me, the compliments that made me feel wanted, the way you used to look at me and speak to me, the endless adventures we had together when it was just you and I getting to know one another and spending time together and no one else to disrupt that, the fighting we used to have together that went away completely as the relationship went on- it all stopped. This is when I would start begging you to connect with me again in the ways I feel loved, but you couldn’t. And it always made me wonder.. why? (which will be explained later this entry). My therapist was partially right when he attempted to bring to light that I was somewhat bored. I wouldn’t say I was entirely bored, but more so I felt unseen from you as all of those things stopped. As you pulled back, here comes along Phil out of nowhere and started making me feel seen again. He started to show me that interest and making me feel wanted and attractive again with the months of flirting, looking at me constantly, teasing me, complementing me on weird quirks he noticed about my personality, always being next to me and protective of me for some reason when we were all out, his attention always towards me even when other women were around, how excited he would get just to be around my presence for some reason, little things like riding that Byrd with me on my birthday when you didn't want to, being willing to belay each other at the climbing gym and looking at me in admiration and supporting me as we bouldered together there too while you stopped doing that with me, and the way he was willing to converse with me deeply about my emotions and took the time to read the things I journaled when I was struggling while you did not want to hear it anymore- these little things you stopped doing for me, I began to notice him making an effort to do so. It felt like the relationship I had with you became almost platonic-like, as if we were best friends that participated in many life experiences together, but I still needed that romance factor to be alive too, but it wasn’t anymore. I wanted to continue being treated as if I am the love of your life, not just like one of your guy best friends which is what it felt like for me as the relationship went on. I do not want you to be left wondering if I cheated on you based off looks- that was not it for me at all. It made me realize too that because of the lack of communication about how each other needed to feel loved in a relationship, if we had continued to stay together until death did us part, I may have never truly been happy or fulfilled in the long run because these are major qualities in a relationship I look for in a life partner- that you stopped giving me as time went on. It may have not been issues for you because you do not place high value or importance on these in a relationship. However, they meant very much to me and ultimately if we continued our relationship the way it was without any communication about it, these issues I shoved down thinking they weren’t big ones- even though they honestly were to me- would have gotten to me one way or the other and the outcome may have not changed or I would have ended up leaving you because I honestly would not be able to go the long run with another person without having these needs met. I was not fulfilled in our relationship solely from the stability you provided me, and I was not being honest with myself about it at the time until the therapy session helped bring that truth out. As I started to realize this hard truth, it made me start thinking to myself- I knew I was feeling this way. But it led me to wonder “But how were you feeling throughout our relationship... Was I doing something as well to make you feel unloved or that I was not attracted to you anymore, which inevitably caused you to pull back and become emotionally distant from me?” That was when another cold hard truth slapped me in the face.
Throughout the therapy session, we discussed what I needed to feel loved by another person. However, after talking more with Alisa and Keana, it made me realize that maybe I was doing something to make you feel unwanted and less attractive as well. And then it hit me what you said on the phone- you told me many times throughout the relationship that you wanted me to make the first move during sex, and I now realize that this was your way of trying to tell me how you feel loved and wanted. I did not realize at the time how much this bothered you, how it probably brought your self-esteem and confidence in me and us down, how it probably made you feel that I was not attracted to you and maybe even made you feel rejected. I didn't realize physical touch is probably your first quality when it comes to your love language. After talking with Keana who’s love language is also physical touch, she explained to me how that is a huge and important way someone with that love language needs to feel wanted by their partner- through touch and making those first sexual moves, or else it really does not make them feel good in the relationship, and she explained to me that is partly the reason as to why you pulled away emotionally from me as well because I wasn’t providing you with how you needed to feel loved either. I’m going to be completely honest here Tom- I haven’t been in a relationship before where I ever needed to make the first move sexually. I am not experienced when it came to that which is why throughout the first year of us dating besides the first time we had sex, I never initiated because I was used never doing so and I did not have the experience nor confidence in doing so. Keana continued to explain as well that even if we do both value physical touch or whichever love language we place more importance on, that it’s important to talk about what kind of physical touch or whichever makes us feel most wanted and loved. For example, in regards to physical touch- I place most importance on intimate physical acts, such as hand holding, forehead kisses, kisses, hugs, and cuddling to help me feel more connected by you. Meanwhile, your importance in physical touch due to the nature of being a male, is initiating the first move in sex to help you feel more attractive and desirable by me. I wish we just sat down and talked about how important that was to you in a relationship and how that makes you feel wanted and attractive, then I would have really taken that to heart and tried a lot more because I loved you. I was not aware how much it actually hurt you because physical touch is not as important to me as quality time and words of affirmation, so I never took it seriously just as how you never took my need seriously for emotional connection in order to feel wanted and attractive. For me, I become attracted to another human being when I feel that emotional connection with them, then that will make me feel more sexually attracted to that person. As time went on in our relationship, the more emotionally disconnected you became towards me, the less attractive sexually I became towards you. And I assume it was vice versa for you, the more I did not make sexual advantages towards you, the more emotionally you pulled back as well. As you mentioned on the phone, it was like our sex lives became routine, lacking that passion and excitement we once had. If we had simply took the time into learning one another and about ways we needed to feel love from another partner, I feel as though the outcome would have been so different because we both would have put in the effort into making it work between us. Instead of rushing into a relationship the way we did simply because we shared similar life interests, we should have taken the time to learn that a relationship is more than just having similar hobbies and getting married someday- it should be about learning each other’s love languages, how to communicate our feelings properly and openly, how to set boundaries, our attachment styles, and how to maintain attractive to one another. That is how you build a relationship with another person, not just based on initial attraction and same life interests.
You are right about something I admit- I wish I did start going to therapy while we were still in a relationship because honestly learning what I did just in that first official session, could have prevented many downfalls from happening and saved the relationship. After taking the time to step back from remembering all the good in our relationship and romanticizing those moments only, I realized our relationship was not all glitter and gold, and I was not as happy and fulfilled as I really wanted to believe so and I’m sure you were not either. If I knew the information I know now though, I honestly believe we could have made the effort together to work through our differences and meet halfway to grow with each other. What my therapist said was that all we had to do was communicate how we both felt with one another- that was the key to prevent me from cheating and for you to realize how much emotional connectedness meant to me. That even though those kind of in-depth conversations are incredibly scary and nerve wracking to have in a relationships, they are necessary in order to figure out your differences and grow with each other throughout the process. I wish things had turned out differently than the way it did, and it kills me inside that it had to take something like this for me to see and hear that part of you again that I knew was still there- that you are still capable of emotional depth and felt that way towards me. I want you to read this not to convince you to work things out with me again, but because I feel that it will also help you understand as it did for me what a relationship really consists of in order for a couple to grow together in the long run. That it is not just telling one another we have potential to grow and believing the person can get there themself and come into the relationship whole heartedly on their own while idealizing this image in our heads of the perfect couple we had the potential to be- it is so much more than that. It’s actually valuing the person in front of you for who they are and knowing absolutely no person or couple is perfect, but being there for each other in a way that they feel loved that helps them feel more confident in the relationship and grow together that way. You always talked about how you wanted me to grow into this confident and independent woman you have always imagined me to be, and after our breakup I wanted that for myself too and felt the need to prove that to you. However, when I thought about it, I realized I was those things before you even met me and I am still those qualities internally. After having no choice but to be strong and confident almost my entire upbringing to get myself through difficult life experiences, it simply felt nice and comforting to be with another person who was willing to be my safe space and take care of me for a change. I do not believe confidence and independence/loving my own company will be things I will grow into someday now that we are not together- because I know I have always had those qualities within myself all along, with or without you. I wish you saw those things about myself and believed in them too, instead of being in love with this idea of a woman I had the potential to become. I want you to know this because if by the end of your grieving process over the loss of our relationship that you decide you really do wish to never speak to me again, I want you to really understand and see the many factors that come into play when choosing your life partner so that in the future whoever you decide to be with, you will know just as I understand now that relationships take work and communication, but if you truly love that person, you will make the effort in learning them and never stop reminding them of that. I want you to read this in case you forget throughout this grieving process and the choices you will make to cope with your sadness, that there was more to the story of everything that happened within our relationship instead of simply the end result of me cheating. I want you to read this so you understand my side of it all, in hopes that you will not be entirely persuaded and convinced by everyone else and your own mind that I am a bad person that deserves to be cut off completely. I made a mistake, but as I said before in the previous journal entry I sent you, a person will either let it destroy them or grow stronger and wiser from it. Lastly, if we do choose to try again sometime in the future- we would have to put in a lot of work in order to understand each others’ needs and fall in love with each other again. I used to hold onto this false hope that you will be certain to try with me someday again down the line, and I always imagined my response would be yes of course let’s get back together no doubt or questions about it. But now with this deeper understanding of our relationship, I realize that response would have been out of an attachment for you. If we ever chose to be together again, we would really need to sit down and deeply talk about these issues and how to work on them and be able to overlook the mistakes we’ve made and build that trust and connection once again, because I do not want to go back into the same relationship with nothing changing knowing we would consequently fall back into the same outcome, and I’m sure you would not want that either. And if we do not end up trying again down the line and we choose to be with other people, then I do hope this journal entry that I decided to share with you helps you to understand how to become a better partner for that other person, as it helped me. Before the first milestone of holidays that we will no longer spend together and everything we had becomes nothing more but memories, this is my last letter to you in hopes that we will both grow stronger and wiser from everything with no regrets of the time spent together.
