your foot tapping on the floor is the metronome that sets the tempo of your own feelings about all this. it waits for a song, it waits for a dance.
you stop it the moment she looks at you, eye-to-eye.
in any other day, this would prompt you to smile and stretch out your hand. you two have always been connected, that’s the magic of your performances with her—the gall to look at a goddess and play along.
even if it meant playing along to divine tricks.
there’s a bit of hesitance, now, and you two can’t go a few steps without a step on your foot, a slam against your side, and, god forbid, a hit against your still-recovering arm. she’s the lead, why have you been the one getting hurt? why have you been the one getting hurt, if all you’ve ever done was to follow her, support her? it’s as if you two’ve never danced together. like you don’t know how to dance with her anymore.
like you don’t know her anymore.
there’s an ache—you’re not sure if it’s on your chest or your arm again. it hurts.
❛ of course i do, idiot. ❜ the warm passion that flowed through your words has seemingly disappeared into thin air. it seems the cold tone has changed allegiance. ❛ you think me a fool to find bliss in ignorance? ❜
❛ do i not deserve the real reason, maya? is that it? ❜ if it were any other day… ❛ do you think i’ve not earned the right for closure? is that how you want me, clueless and happy with it all? ❜
you’re always, always yearned. even this, she cannot reach. always, always maya. you walk to her and put a hand on her shoulder.
❛ tell the truth, m’amie. you don’t really have anything left to lose. ❜
her words are cold, cutting --- rightfully so, you suppose. yet your own irritations bubble, you were showing love, were you not ? were you not treating her differently, as she does to you ?
you’re not blind to her treatment of you, even before you had begun to reciprocate. she has always treated you as an outlier.
‘ the truth. ‘ you mirror. you have nothing left to lose --- but did you ever gain anything ? ( you know the answer ; you’re simply afraid its true, you did lose it. )
you take a step back, allowing the girl’s arm to fall into the air, whether she keeps it suspended, or allows it to fall down to her side doesn’t bother you --- you begin to shine with the light of sin.
‘ "If you pluck a small star, you will obtain a small amount of happiness.” ‘ you reach your right arm out to the side, your gaze longing for it --- the approval of a mother. ‘ “If you pluck a large star, you will obtain a large wealth.” ‘ your left arm raises, leaving you open for the girl as your head rolls to where you reach for the fame of being with Yanagi Koharu.
you take a small breath in, a pause alight in the air --- it washes over the two of you, before you gaze back over to Claudine Saijou, both your arms coming together to reach for her --- just out of reach of her hands
‘ “If you pluck both of them, you will obtain an eternal wish" ‘
You take one last step backwards, the cool feeling of the tile wall against your back --- one hand still outstretched towards Claudine, while the other falls to your side. you keep your silence, the line falling into a distant ring in your ears. the stage girl you’ve become, ablaze with passion & shine shows through ; you are tendo maya.
‘ Clair who fought against all odds to face the memories, the feelings, she felt --- despite her fear of what she learnt, what she had been taught to feel. ‘ your arms wrap around yourself, holding you tightly, eyes casted downwards, away from the light as hair falls to cover your face when you crouch down --- such a submissive pose.
‘ it doesn’t strike you odd that I have suddenly changed when Yanagi Koharu showed up ?! doesn’t it make you wonder why !? ‘ you straighten up, arms flying outwards, posture straightening. ‘ to the one, Flora, that I have yearned to feel what she feels, to Flora ; the one who never swayed from Claire’s side !? ‘
you hold yourself again, turning your back to Claudine, unable to look her in the eyes.
‘ fine. since you are so insistent on learning the real reason why, Saijou-San, I will indulge your wishes --- your sins. ‘ your voice is cold.
‘ the thought of Yanagi Koharu fighting you, the thought of her taking the anger out of me leaving her side onto you, the one who has never left me --- the one who has tried to teach me the proper way to feel ‘ FREEZE. you stop in your tracks, your body lurched over once more ; all movement that you were so vibrant with beforehand has leeched from you.
‘ its something I couldn’t bare. something I can’t. so I push, I push, I push. I push Flora from the tower, again & again, a sign of betrayal, only to say to her face that it was to test her trust, her abilities, when she rises the tower once more ---- so I push, once more. harsher, & harsher ... ‘ you still do not move. ‘ in hopes that this time, she doesn’t have to face the stars that will blind her, in hopes that Yanagi Koharu will not look towards your light, will not decide that you are the one who is deserving of her wrath. ‘
slowly your back straightens, you do not look towards her.
‘ why . ‘ your voice is small. ‘ why continue coming back. ‘ silently you look directly up, allowing your hair to fall away from your face, aimlessly looking to where no one is waiting for you --- to the stars.
‘ why won’t you let me protect you from them. ‘
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