the wolf rants

go away

[obisooth]

he just does this sometimes

[prinxepetty]

another monday, another late night, dizzy feeling breakdown. fuck sake. just got over the last one.

[prinxepetty]

he really loved me and i ruined it all

[prinxepetty]

not gonna FUCKIN lie to yall, im pissed.

yall praising roman for speaking up about these current issues is great and all, but WHERE is that energy for mustafa?

calling him an acab and a FUCKING TERRORIST is not fucking okay on a normal day, but NOW??? fuck yall.

they're both people of colour but you're so ingrained with a certain kind of racism that you think one of them is sexy and one of them is a threat. im fucking beyond disgusted and upset.

[prinxepetty]

LMFAO i fucking hate living here.

i get woken up every morning between 5 and 7 am by either this fucking little boy screaming his head off (the other day, at 5 am, he woke the whole street up by declaring as loudly as he can that he's got the fucking virus which is great because he lives DIRECTLY NEXT DOOR TO ME and i don't know if he was joking or not.) or this man and woman who really enjoy screaming abuse at their kids and animals and banging doors and whatever else possible which is fucking hilarious when you're seriously traumatised.

there's about five other houses who's been doing some kind of construction all day from sunrise to sunset this entire lockdown, every day, and one of them plays the same country album on loop.

and now some fucking twat features has gotten himself quite frankly the biggest fucking motorbike i have EVER seen and he takes great joy in CONSTANTLY revving the engine and driving past my house ALL. DAY. and would you believe he's doing it RIGHT NOW????

i can't take living here anymore. this is literally the purest form of hell for any autistic person. im already having the worst suicidal breakdown of my life and now i have to deal with this plus the constant screeching of mums birds she insisted on having knowing damn well they upset the dog and make him bark.

i just can't. i can't. this really feels like im being tortured for something. the universe is trying to push me over the edge because i shouldn't be alive and taking up space.

[prinxepetty]

i literally just want to die. this is the hardest breakdown ive ever had. ever. it's affecting me physically. im finally in my body long enough to make a note of this but i can already feel my hands going numb and my chest feeling too full and too empty and i know this isn't going to last much longer. im scared and i can't talk to anyone about it but no one can help anyway because the only thing that will make it better is the only thing i can't have right now. i don't know. everyone is so sick of me being like this now that they've all given up on me. i don't talk to anyone anymore. im so fucking alone. the only good thing that's come from this virus is that ive finally proven that people only tolerate me because im always with cat and when im not with them everyone is free to finally talk shit or just ignore me. i guess that's fine, it makes it easier to die when you don't have the guilt of leaving people behind anyway.

[prinxepetty]

having one of those why the fuckibg fuck to i even fucking bother fuck me fuck my whole life fuck boys who i love fuck fuck

[prinxepetty]

It makes me so sad when I see videos on twitter and Facebook of parents being so supportive of their lgbtq+ kids because I know I'll never get that.

I just saw one video of a man who used to be seriously anti-lgbtq+ turning a leaf and fighting for gay rights because his gay daughter killed herself. Every day I sit back and think, 'could that be my mum one day?' will people only support me when I'm gone?'

My biggest fear is my grave. Knowing that they'll put my birth name on it. Knowing that the 'she' will be carved in stone. I think about staying alive just long enough to make sure this doesn't happen and that none of my family are allowed near my funeral. Then I can die. I can be free of them.

I know in my heart that my mum and sister, a lesbian and a bisexual, will forever be hypocrites. They will never support my gender and pansexuality. None of my family will. They tell me they don't agree with it, they say it's not real, they use my dead name and pronouns when they think I can't hear them or when they feel like lashing out at me.

That's another thing, the abuse. The fucking abuse. Mental and physical bullying.

I can't take it anymore.

I want to die and be free of them. It's the only way. I could move to Australia and they would still torment me. The scars are too deep now.

I should just die. It'll be better for everyone. Sorry.

[prinxepetty]

the worst thing, by far, about being trans and enby is not the dysphoria. it's not the questioning. it's not even the bullying. no, the worst thing is never belonging. it's knowing that, everywhere you turn, you are not wanted.

my family do not want me as i am. the lgbtq+ community does not want me. the wrestling community does not want me. romantic interests do not want me. strangers in the street do not want me. strangers on the internet do not want me.

i don't want me.

im sick of it.

i just want to belong somewhere.

i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't want to be scared and ashamed. im tired of hiding myself just to feel safe and fit in.

[prinxepetty]

absolutely fucked it, man.

i spend my entire life falling in love with people i can never in a million years have and now i get the horrible feeling that im starting to like someone else. it's been playing in the back of my mind for a while now but i never wanted to admit it. even now i don't even want to say their name because i will only end up tearing myself apart for it.

just make it stop. please. i don't want this. i don't want to be hurt anymore.

[prinxepetty]

oh hai. i purely set up this blog so that i can have somewhere to put my reaaaaally personal rants and outbursts and shit, but mainly this post so. here we go. i’m writing this because i’m not great at expressing myself quickly. i forget important details and then just go around in circles for ages until i forget the point or just ???? suck at expressing in general.  and also because this is pretty embarrassing.  if i’ve sent you this post it means you’re a really good friend. like, the best friend. and because of that reason, i know you’re gonna be cool with this shit!!! but i will run away and hide for hours after i’ve sent it soooo... don’t expect to hear from me soon after you’re done reading this tome of shit. (i’m a little bitch, i know lmao.) i’m not even sure i’m gonna be brave enough to ever send it to anyone, so i’m writing this on 04/06/18 for the record. okay so, getting onto the point of this rant (it’s nothing bad, promise!!! in fact, you might find it pretty useful if you’re one of the people who see me a lot irl), grab a cup of some fucking good tea and sit yo ass down because it’s a long, weird one.  basically, hai, i have a sweet lil MPD (that’s a multiple personality disorder, even though we’re apparently not meant to call them that anymore but?? fuck off m8) aaaaaand while i have it fairly under control (i’m aware of when i’m shifting?? changing?? and i remain conscious and retain my memories unless it’s P1, in which case, yikes, probably wont) it’s always pretty good for me to explain who is who, what they’re like and it might give you an idea how to handle them/when they come out/what causes it???? am i even making sense???? i’m so tired y’all. SO ANYWAY let’s just fucking get on with it uuuugh. bucky: so, the main offender is bucky. you’ve probably met him. he’s a prick. i’m sorry. bucky is kinda like the protector. he comes out when i’m dealing with extreme stress and trauma, when people are seriously (DANGEROUSLY) pissing me off, if i’m in an overly crowded place (especially if it’s so crowded i’m practically pinned against a wall, ya know?? so busy trains, cons, queues, gigs etc), watching quite literally any captain america movie or if e.g, i’m watching something involving someone being strapped down and electrocuted. he’s mean and grumpy when he wants to speak (he’s very quiet), likes to hide in corners, under hoods and black clothes. his hands twitch and clench a lot, will also probably call you a whore in russian. he can be violent, but not towards people (he likes punching walls and himself) and just a general dickhead that’s pretty hard to talk down, but he doesn’t mean to be. he’s sorry and doesn’t want to be like this, i can’t stress that enough. i’m not really sure how to help him. the only way i’ve ever known is to just talk to my wonderful bestie cat (if you’re not cat, dw, you are definitely one of the people who at least knows cat) and see where that road goes. it’s pretty much always effective.  like i said, he’s not easy but he’s at least common so you can get used to each other. sorry.  the best way to know he’s coming out and stop that shit at the source is if i start dragging my arrow/flash necklace that i ALWAYS have on side to side. quinnie: aha quinnie. she’s fun but also a bitch and will definitely run her mouth. she loves people but doesn’t trust them much. she also likes going out and dancing, she’s the only confident one. quinnie is the heartbroken, hence the “liking people but not trusting them” thing. she’s kinda petty and envious all the time but will cover it with alcohol and banter. good times, sweetie. childish but in a silly way. i really don’t know what to say about this bitch other than ‘hot mess - keep away from sharp objects’. she’s fun though!! will probably take you to drag clubs but do keep an eye on her because she’ll quickly tumble down to crying on a street corner threatening to message problematic people/beat people up/kill herself lmao. peachy: peachy is my fave. they’re so cute. peachy is a feral ass, wolf child who loves all things pastel, cute and dainty. basically just imagine if melanie martinez and emilie autumn had a baby that was a furry ya know. they’re very shy, quiet and will fidget a lot. they’re also very messy and clumsy but they’re kind and will offer you a cup of tea every like five minutes. peachy is pretty childlike, you’ll probably find them colouring in and watching ghibli movies. just such a soft bean, wow. protect them.but because they’re so quiet they tend to mumble and not speak a lot because this wold child is on eDGE like bitch calm down it’s chill. they’re pretty pure and fluffy, they like scritches and chilling. they also have a lot of anxiety and they’re sUCH a god damn cry baby. best way to combat this is to sit them down in front of a soft movie or tv show with tea. but seriously, they cry over everything. please let them know before you touch them because they apparently scratch :-)))) uhhhhhmmmmm yeah?? so i think that’s it???/? like feel free to ask me questions and shit/??? sorry i know this is dumb and weird and dUMB but that’s my life thanks for listening