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Bad emotions will not always stay

I forgive myself. I am a human being. I accept my emotions of insecurity and jealousy. But I am not letting it ruined my beautiful personality. I want not to focus on this emotion but rather I would like to focus on the positive things and appreciate the things my jealous mind tried to forget. I am blessed. I am thankful that I was able to bake a cake for my housemate. I am able to walk and work as a nurse. I am thankful that one of the patient remind to take care of my health. I am thankful that I was able to meet wonderful person. I may feel rejected by some people but I know there are people who unconditionally cares for me even though they don't know me. It is also hard to cope up with rejection. But I must not stay there but rather move on. Somehow, I will also find people who will care for me, that I don't need to force myself or need to change myself in order to fit on their expectations. I said to myself, oh please, have pity on yourself. You don't stress on yourself about it. It is not worth it. As long as I don't do anything wrong or shameful in the eyes of God. I may not conform with standards on this earth but with the eyes of God, I am worth it. It is makes me feel better when I try to shift on my focus. Being grateful makes a difference.

One thing that can triggered my annoyance is that a person is trying to fool me but thanks to God I am able to know the lies before my very eyes. I am just so annoyed now that I just want to express it in order for me to protect me peace. I am also frustrated with my mistakes. They are not serious though but still I am feeling that I am very clumsy person. Maybe that is the reason that my patience today is very short. And there is a person who likes to dump lot of her garbage on me. I am really wondering if she is true to me. My inner self is telling me otherwise. Anyways, I know it will be never be forever I am interacting with her. It seems that she has a hidden envy on me. I tried my best to be patient and nice to her but it is really hard not to ignore my inner voice within that would like to maintain my sanity. I really need to express it for I will be full of garbage and I will not be able to see my worth, what God sees in me. I would like to say sorry God but I am trying to understand her. And you know God that you can only change a person. I know she is totally lost. I don't know how to help her for she herself don't help herself. She was really frustrated God when You try to show her the reality in her face. I don't know what to do with her. She won't listen to me. She only likes to hear what she really like to hear and rejected what displeases her. Dear God, please empty this cup of mine that has hatred on her and please keep me on Your side. Please keep my inner peace. Thank you for always be there for me. I am feeling better now.

Reminder to myself

As I grew older and I would like to say also wiser, I am able to put a priority on myself. It would be selfish because I will not be effective if I am drained with my inner positive energy. I thought before that being selfish is honorable but my previous experiences taught me that there are some people will just use you in order for their own benefit. Self love is also important for it will never fail to remind to look down on your knees. I don't have any avenues of expressing myself. My mama is already dead for 4 years now. As I entered the age of 30, there are many realizations in me. Adulting is hard but in my experiences I am thankful for I was prepared for it. I am not full of my health. I have already problem with my kidneys but good thing it is not too late. That's why my health is my top priority. When at times, my mind is thinking about my insecurities, I tried to remind myself what really matters to me. The world nowadays demand so much that it would exhaust so much our energy and these things doesn't mean so much in life. They were just small matters.

When insecurities attacks

I believe that everyone of us has insecurities about themselves and these insecurities may distort us with how we see our daily life activities. Maybe one of my insecurities as a woman will not be attractive enough to find a right man for me. I know that I am not an ugly person but I am not also a super attractive woman. In my own opinion, I am a natural woman you see in the street. A typical Asian petite with black hair that you would see. But somehow, as I try to focus my attention with the things other women have, it will trigger these insecurities. Maybe not having a serious relationship with a man is one of my insecurities. Well, other days I am super okay being alone, maybe it is also changing of hormones. I really don’t like the pressure of the must having a relationship with a man. It is not a gauge of worth as a woman. I love expressing it. A big relief for me. Hmm, as an introvert, it is hard to express my opinions for other people will just reject my point especially if they like to hear what they like to hear only. Some women I known had several men bowing to their attractiveness. They have several men competing for their attention and affection. While me, I have nothing. Upon hearing their stories bragging, I have this uneasy feeling. I really don’t like bragging but though at times I am doing it also unintentionally. I know it is not good shifting your focus with the things you don’t have. It will only bring unhappiness and not contentment. Just want to share it out. As I try to reflect with this feeling, a voice within will try to encourage me somehow. I am feeling frustrated with previous days and I am trying to ignore it, but the best to deal with it to face it and accept it so that I will manage these emotions better. With this situation, I realized that I easily frustrated and some people would like to use this weak spot on me in order for them to control me. And I don’t like that.

I just needed to write down what I am thinking. The emotions I can't express freely for in my opinion it is better kept within or speak out. But I know it is not right to just keep it for I know I will be sick if doing so. The world is already hard on me and I will be not be hard on myself. I will be kinder to myself because I know in the end of the day, only I have is me. It is just so hard to tell the truth or my own opinion when somebody who needed to hear will only reject it for they will only want to receive what they like to hear and reject that will contradict their belief. I know I have different point of views from them. But well, I will not stress enough to people who will not welcome it. I will just pray for them. I am thankful for my few friends who I can comfortably express what is really on my mind. I easily gets frustrated, angered and triggered but good thing I am not a type of person who easily show outburst of feelings. That is why sometimes also, some people mistakenly judge me. I have many experiences already with different type of people and I would like to say that before I prioritize them so much even it will hurt or discomfort me. Then one day I realized that it was not good for me. I don't like to be used and abused anymore. Somehow, I have seen my worth as a person, though I am not perfect. I realized that it is better to have boundaries for some people will use you for their own advantage and will never care enough if you are doing okay, what really important is for their advantage. I need to spare a love for myself that will cultivate me as a person and still continually motivate me to discover my potentials. I know what I really want and stand on what I really dislike. I maybe mean but I realized inner peace is better that letting other people hurt you. I just want to be away from them. Dear self, you are worth to be love and you are not destined to settle for less.

Somehow my inner self is telling to write it down on journal. I am so stressed this past 2 months. I was so cautious with my plans and strategy on how to handle the change I want to have in my life. I decided already to resign on my current job. I don't to get myself sick again. And I don't trust our boss already. Maybe it was a hard decision for I really have a good workmates. Although, they are times that I still feel that I am alone and foreign. But for sure God is with me on this new journey. I know He will not leave me hanging around.

I am a quiet type of person. But it doesn't mean that I am not capable to be angry. Sometimes, I am judt triggered with some actions that I think irritating in a way. But I know that it is not right to outburst for it will only lead to quarrel. I like to have my peace. I know God is watching over. All unfair things will be punished according to His perfect timing. I think I am a better person now. Before can easily fooled me especially if my trust was already earned. Before I don't have self value and respect. I want to give all of me until I am empty. Later then I realized that it is not good at all. It torment you inside and out, what I mean that not just your physical aspect but also mentally. I don't like it when people like to dump on you their garbage. I am not a trashcan. Rather I find it disrepectful on my part. It is like looking down on my capabilities as a person. I know my worth now. Although at times my insecurities is knocking in me, I keep on reminding myself on my worth then slowly I feel better and motivated somehow.

Sometimes I need space time from people. The more I am forced to mingle with them. The more I dislike of being forced and the more I realized what I really want. Before I was so unsure of myself, I always depend on what people may think or say about me. But as I reached my age right now, I better know myself and don't concern much with the people surrounding me. Right now, my mind is in chaos. And many point of view is emerging in my head. I would say that I am irritated and angry and at the same time. I am good in concealing my emotions as time goes by. Or I was dumped with this negative emotions by someone who really don't know me at all. And how will she know me if she herself don't gave a chance to talk my thoughts freely and she get easily provoked or angry with my opinions. Guess what I realized, she don't respect me. I am feeling like I was just used to be as a shock absorber, not seen as a friend. I don't know but as if my eyes are opened to lies and deceptions of people surrounding who will try to manipulate me. I don't like to being used anymore. I am done with it. I am angry and frustrated with it and the only thing way I can expressed it is through writing through this journal. I am starting to love and value myself. It is a pity if I myself don't take care of me. I don't care much with the opinions of others. I am currently dissatisfied with my current relationship. Well, it is not romantically but a new friend. We know each other for four years now. And, I would say the more I know her character the more I became dissatisfied. I just respect our differences. But I don't know, she lets me realized things I don't like being done to me. The difference between her words and actions are so enormous and I can really see the difference. I have my own struggles of insecurities but somehow, I just need this time of peace, a time of being alone. I don't like to be stimulated especially I am so tired and drained. And with that she can't see that. I can clearly see that our relationship is no fair at all. It is like I am doing all the patience and understanding. But I know it will not be forever perhaps two years more. But I have a feeling that this year will bring change again. I just can't figure it out. I know, God is fair. And every journey especially difficult one have ending.

I've known her character already. It seems a while since I discover it myself. Before, I will give everything just to prove my friendship to her, then later I realized that I can't help her by doing so. And me myself filled with dump garbage she had dumped on me. Others may find it selfishness but I know in myself that it is not because I feel liberated from feeling sorry of the things I am not guilty. Well, I am not a perfect person but you know, would you rather tortured yourself because they or she did not approve what you think will bring peace in your self. What would you choose seeking their approval that will always change from time to time because when at times, your opinions will differ from time to time or your precious peace within yourself? I would rather keep my peace and disappoint them. It is rather hurtful not acknowledging what your inner voice is telling you. I know you makes mistakes and failures sometime. It is okay, you will learn from it. That good inner voice will not let you into trouble. She may broadcast your imperfection to others but you know, it is okay. With it you will be able to know the people who will accept you of who you really are. As long as you don't hurt somebody or plan something bad against others, you will be okay. Although others may hurt you, be sad about it then move on. Remember, you are not the problem, if you have not done something wrong, it's them who has problem on their own that they to project on you. I know you feel alone sometimes, but that is just a feeling and not true. You have true friends who got your back. You might not able to see them or talk to everyday, they are still there for you. They might be busy but they will always think of you. You may have few closed friends but they are the best person God sent for you in this lifetime. They are the ones who support you from the very start when you don't have nothing in your hand, but still accepts you the way you are. You have a good relationship built in time. You have passed a lot of misunderstandings and hardships. I would like to say, your old friends know you better than the new ones who just meet you now. I thank myself for expressing these. I am able to somehow feel better. It help me clear my mind and able to see a clearer objective. Until next time.

I will never let her manipulate me again. I am done with her gaslightning and as victim mentality. I am thankful to God that I was awakened by it. Though it affects me sometimes but I am trying to protect my inner peace and balance. Funny to remember that it let me affect me so much before, but I realized that I have the control if I am letting myself be affected with. I will not let it pollute me. Never anymore, I promised myself.

I will do my best to better myself this year. I was succumed to loneliness or I would say nearly depression state last December 2022. Well, the circumstances when I was left alone and then a sickness hit me hard that it let me felt and realized that no one will take care me rather than myself. I can only recollect the times when my mama was still there to take care of me when I am not feeling well. Anyways, I am very thankful that I am again healthy. I need to prioritize my health, not just physically but also mentally and psychiologically as well. Well, for my physical health, I am trying to eat healthy food that suit my condition. I already have problems with my kidneys already. As much as possible I am preparing and cooking my food and limit so much as possible these processed foods. With my mental health, I am trying not to be so affected with drama around me. I want to stay balanced and focused on my goals. It is my right to be so. I think it is not selfish. I am wondering why some people want to dump junk on you. Is it because they are jealous of your jolly nature? A person I know is like that and honestly I don't like so much to interact with her. Living with her for 2 years now gave the opportunity to know her character and can able to predict how she react from time to time. Sorry but I would like to leave her and just be a acquintance only. But well, I know God will fulfill this secret wish. I just need to patient and wait. Sometimes, it is just good not to tell what's on your mind because when you say, some people will not understand and misinterpret you as well. It is also hard to deal with person who has still recollecting past hurts and keep on reliving it. She is so toxic and at times, in my opinion a very narcissistic person. She will try to manipulate how you perceive things and will try to keep you under her shoes. I am thankful that I realized that and I don't want that already. Well, I can say that being stubborn at times has its own benefit too. Or I would say a feeling to have autonomy is a priority within yourself. I find it very irritating already when someone tries to dictate me what to do- as if that I am losing my autonomy already. As I look back, I am not that kid anymore who wants to please everybody. With 3 decades of my existence, I have learned a lot and and known myself already. I know what I want and know what can triggered to get angry. But I am trying not to forget my inner child who is a happy person. People might say it is an act of selfishness, well, let them think that way. There are different point of views and it differs from time to time. People will say negative comment about you if they are not pleased with you but it doesn't mean you are like that especially when you try to reflect it. I guess journaling is fun and I think it will help me better to stay sane from time to time. I am feeling too that I recharging good energies and disposing bad vibes that outside bad vibes is filling me.

They say that writing a journal is a very good way to express your occupied or troubled mind so I am trying to do it. Somehow it will help me as an introvert and quiet person. I am no saint, I tell you. I have bad thoughts and impresions as well. I know how to complain but I rather not tell it and keep it to myself. I know keeping it all to myself is not good for my health and I don't want to get sick just because of it. I may be sound so proud but I think I can read a persons character after 33 years of existence on this earth. And I have this attitude that don't like so much drama in life. I can sense that if it is so dramatically exaggerated and not. Some people may find me very cold if only I would say what is on my mind. Rather hurting them, I should keep it to myself. Maybe that is why until now, I stay single my whole life because I am so secretive and I have very few closed friends. I would say my relationship with them is not perfect. But I confide with them my concerns, problems and honest thoughts. Some people who know me will say I am timid. That is okay, I know deep inside me I am not that type. 😁 Although, I am believing that impression sometimes. No, I should be more careful and prioritize my total health not just physically but also mentally.

My head right now is chaotic. I feel not motivated and sad. I am having no goals for next year. It is so hard to fight and I don't know what I want already. I don't know but well, yeah, let us start expressing my thoughts. I need to fill out the things filling and occupying my thoughts. I am feeling my thoughts are very full. I am feeling lonely because I remembered my dear mama. It is been 3 years since her death. I feel still lonely. Oh mama, I missed you very much. Every time I remembered I feeling still that I am a child missing your warm and care. When I am sick, I am wishing that you can come to my side and embraced me. Oh dear God, I am losing direction already. And I am feeling lonely. I don't feel satisfied already. I accept already that I will be alone forever. It is so hard to fight the loneliness. It is bad to depend on someone for my own happiness because it must start within me. I should not expect to others to give the happiness to give it to me. These previous these days I were so reluctant and not grateful with the simple things I had experienced. I am letting myself occupied with not important things and starting to look further for things that I can't reach. I demand for things and expect to have it because I thought I deserve it. I became so self righteous and believe that it is right to self entitlement. Is that what you really want? Is it really the matters to you? Dear self, don't be so harsh with yourself. The world is already hard for you and don't let yourself beat your own self too. Yourself is not your enemy but rather your own ally. Why are letting others toxicity affected you? You are just making your own cage and downfall. Get up and start picking yourself up again. You still have unfinished business in this world. Don't let demons of hopelessness bore you and let you give up. I hate this men in the Internet who only uses manipulation to hurt your emotions. I will not search love anymore in the Internet because it will always be lies. I will expect for it anymore. I should give up looking for it for I know I always end up disappointing myself. It will always be the same so never. Decide self to give up on it and never hope and expect to find it anymore. It is a long lost treasure from before. I can only find true love with God and no one else. Remember the persons, who you trust but they end up using and manipulating you just to get what they want. The very good thing is that God is always with you along the way. I am so sorry dear God for always hoping to find what I long for and end up always sorry. Please help me to just enjoy myself and be contented with you selfless love for me. Goodbye my dear husband. You are never existed from the very start since I existed. or rather goodbye illusions, I did enjoy letting you stay longer in my head but I need to think straight and never let this foolish dream to fool me again.

Hoping to find change soon

I am stress again. I don't sleep well in the night again, so I guess writing may help me in getting a better sleep again. I had two working days that is so demanding again. I noticed that I am easily triggered again. I realized that I don't want to be manipulated and be used. A friend of mine, who uses gaslighting to get what she wants. I am observing her attitude and I can say based on what her actions, she has narcissistic personality. I am feeling drained after every after talking to her. She focused on the negative things. I really hate it and always talk about her self, her problems, struggles and blah, blah. I may sound like a antagonist but you know what, you just need to take care of yourself, your mental health specifically. You have a body that needs to be healthy too. I read this good book, which I can relate so much about introversion. It says many good points and it doesn't sound very selfish rather self care. As someone said that you can't give love if you, yourself don't have love on yourself.

When someone is making you fell guilty on your actions, which you think good for you. Try to look deeper and reflect if is really bad, when your conscience said it is not, then it is not. You are not dumb.

Currently, I am stuck with an unhealthy friendship, where I am not so free to express myself, because this friend of mine is very closed minded or I would say, she has a narcissistic personality. She only wants to hear she want to hear, and make a lot of excuses to her actions. I think I need to pray everyday that my situation will change or I will be leaving her soon. The more I deal with her drama and manipulations, I AM GETTING SICK. Oh dear God, please help me.

I realized choosing my own peace is not selfishness. I am not hurting anyone too. I am just true to myself that I don't want drama and pretentious acts just to get pitied on. Thanks God, I am not enlightened and rather feelinv bad about myself to things I can't control and I have no fault at all. I must just ignore and protect myself. I said to myself not anymore. Enough is enough. I should be matured and intelligent enough what should I take care more. No, I don't want to be manipulated anymore. It is time to prioritize myself. I need to take care of myself too. I need to love myself. Maybe that is why God haven't let me meet my only one because I am not indeed ready. And I don't have the love that I can share with. No, I am not welcoming thoughts that I maybe wrong and start considering this man. No... I know we are not meant to be. He is meant to somebody. And I will not change my decision. I will not him a chance. I know eventually it will NOT work out because I know myself. It is not what I want.

Learn to trust myself again

I wonder why as I grew older I get grumpier. I tried to rationalize it with different various reasons. I tried to reflect what was the reason with it. Then I realized that I am only reacting to a feeling of not controlling even my own emotions and I really, really hate that. I know that I can't control all the events coming to my life but one thing that I can control is my own reactions. Maybe I don't know fully myself. But I really know now that I don't want to force doing things I don't really like. It makes me very uncomfortable and burdened. I know that God has given me this gift of knowing or consolidating information around my surroundings and even people may not tell me about certain situations, I can figured it out. I have this co-worker in my current job. He shows an interest with me but I really don't like or have an interest with him. Honestly, he is not my type. Some of my friends will try to push him on me but I really, really don't like him. I made it clear from the very start and no matter how he tried and tried my decision will never changed. I have my own likes of a man. And stubborn may I be, I will not change that even I will hurt him. It is just like what I experienced with some man that I wished I could have a relationship with. I am trying to ask God about it but my conscience is telling me that it is not wrong. After all, I haven't take any advantage of him. Rather he is the one who keeps on persisting but I really, really don't like him. Out of desperation, I am making some make stories that may help me or will help to stop this man from pursuing me. Then an idea came to my mind too, I am praying that he will find the right woman he deserves. I am wishing him his happiness. All I just want to have right now is my peace of mind. I don't like any distractions because I really, really don't want to have a relationship right now. I am trying to know myself better and seeking my happiness in my own way and don't want to depend on others. I want to establish or discover that will make me happy. Finding happiness is a continuous process everyday. I don't expect that I will be always on a good mood everyday because bad days come too. What I am trying right now is to listen with great and admirable people who are also seeking fulfillment, direction and purpose on their lives. Some of them, I might find super attractive but I am trying not to stress on attraction but hold on to the inspiration they bring along the way. If I am really destined to find the rare gem of true love, then I must not seek it for I believe that it will just find me.

I decided that I will not let this certain man control me. I have my right to make a decision and he can't change it no matter what happened. I will not let him destroy my happiness by hiding my true light. I have the very right to refuse no matter what and though may hurt him. I will stand on my decision firmly. I know I will be very happy because I am regaining my self control and I haven't let it manipulate my feelings. I am just very honest to myself. And it felt very very good and very liberating. It feels like I am empowered and I am gaining self confidence. Thank you self for doing this to yourself. I deserve to be happy and be free. I don't want anyone to manipulate and control me.

I heard or learn from YouTube this tip on staying happy and that is find three reasons to be thankful for this day. I am thankful for this day because I have no work and was ale to sleep longer and have my lazy day. Second, I am thankful today because I was able to attend Sunday mass. Today is Palm Sunday and I was able to go out although it was very cold. I am thankful because I had worn a winter jacket that helped me to feel warmer. Thirdly, I am thankful for being able to listen to a wonderful and inspiring podcast from this admirable man. He seems to be very matured and worthy to listen to. His opinions and achievements are very inspiring for me. Plus he is very attractive too.

Just free flowing thoughts

I had a better day today. I was able to help my colleagues and was able to share some of the things I know. I was able to attain some tasks with my work. I am so happy and accomplished it. I am trying too not to hide what I really feel, when I am disappointed and feel like don't like talking, I don't feel guilty doing so. I know I don't hurt somebody by doing so, but when I try to hide what I trully feel deep inside, I am just hurting myself. I am thankful for this day. But I don't want to be driven by this happy feeling. There is only one thing I noticed, I am so impatient so I guess I need to extend my patience more. The drive that I want to finish soon sometimes lead from not seeing the things or discovering things I desired. Then realizations cam to mind that maybe I haven't received I am asking God because it is not yet the right time. It is so stubborn at times. I had gone through a lot of failures and heartaches that I tried to cover up because I don't want to admit that I encountered failure in my life. It is so hard to expect rejections to certain areas in life I am facing. I thought before that I am humble but as I examined myself deeply, I am not. Maybe a friend, a nun to be exact that I tend to be false humble. Maybe it is true, back then I was closed minded and don't want to receive critiques. But now, I realized that I needed these criticisms on me. I always thought that there is nothing about me. I am thankful that I am able to realize that this year. Maybe I will be able to change myself for the better indeed. I will try to change for the better not for anybody but for myself.

Hey self, I know you are lazy to write down your thoughts. Forgive yourself if your thoughts are jumping from one topic to another. It is okay. You are just starting with journaling. When you try to do it everyday, you will become better with it. I know you've been a lot. Sometimes, you might blame yourself because you realized that you are stubborn. You have still hope. Start this year. While there is life, there are many reasons to celebrate, to improve and to discover. It is okay to cry and feel all sort of emotions. You are welcome to do that after all you are human, when you have those emotions. feeling and experiencing them are part of life you are living. You are design to feel and as well think. It is okay to feel unworthy or feel dumb, you have the right to do so. Don't put high expectation to do always the perfect things. We need to be wrong or be at each both opposite side of emotions so that we can appreciate each of it. Take your time to still grow. You have a lot chance to do so. You are not old enough to experience it and don't feel guilty if you let yourself indulge simple pleasures in life. Just remember that it is free and doesn't costs much as you think. Don't afraid afraid with the journey. You are not alone.

I am reading this interesting book and it help me enlighten me about how to handle the little hurdles in life. It help me to see a better picture in life now. It gives a better meaning a better perspective. I can say that I am not so resistant now with change because for the past 3 years, I underwent great changes and challenges that I am thankful to God that I am able to survive. It was not easy and until now, I sometimes feel lonely. Well, emotions changes from time to time so we better not let be lead be it. I can say that I am maturing and improving. Adapting to adulting is not easy and the struggle is still continuous or let me say living life is always a fight. We sometimes win and sometimes loss. Let us not let this situation pull us down. There are great people whom we can look up to and learn from how they had cope up every challenges in their life. We can mimic or follow their examples so that we can maintain the equilibrium state. We don't need to be perfect because every person has different views and there are different angles that people can see.

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