Planetarium monologue from I Saw The TV Glow is haunting me and so are the visuals. Are you the projector or being projected on what if it's both what if you built it all what if this is not real and so what if you could be beautiful and powerful. I could write a thesis. Instead i tried something new with markers.
Time wasn’t right. It was moving too fast.
And then I was 19. And then I was 20.
I felt like one of those dolls, asleep in the supermarket. Stuffed.
And then I was 21.
Like chapters skipped over on a DVD.
I told myself…
“This isn’t normal.” “This isn’t normal.”
This isn’t how life is supposed to be.
I thought about running away again. About moving to Santa Fe and changing my name one more time. But I knew that everywhere would be just the same.
I had seen how it ended.
I knew where I was.
A little bit after my 22nd birthday, I paid this burnout kid who used to hit on me in the food court $50 to bury me alive.
I mean… he didn’t know he was burying me alive, but I doubt he would have cared too much even if he did.
I bought a coffin.
I dug a hole.
I got inside and I closed the lid.
I said to myself, “This is crazy.” “What you’re doing is crazy.” But another part of me knew that it wasn’t.
That it was survival. And that I didn’t have much time.
That what felt like years in this world was actually just seconds.
So I waited.
And then finally, the first spadeful of dirt hit the top of the box.
And then another.
And then another.
I sang songs to myself. I counted to 10,000 without skipping any numbers.
I pissed and I shit my pants and I forced my mouth to produce whatever saliva it could muster just so I would have something to drink.
I screamed as loud as I could for help.
I apologized for the whole thing.
And I begged God for someone to come along and save me.
I tried and tried to claw my way out, but that burnout guy had packed the dirt in too tight just like I had asked him to do.
And then, after I don’t know how long,
I felt myself start to leave myself.
And it was like I was watching myself on TV from across the room.
And I was moving further and further away from the screen until the screen was so small that I couldn’t even see myself anymore.
And then I was clawing my way up out of the ground.
And then I was at the surface, gasping for air, rain pouring down on me.
Thunder and lightning.
And I was finally back there.
Back at our old sleepaway camp.
And just like I was waking up from a bad dream, that whole life… that whole reality where I was Maddy Wilson… drifted away.
Like a brief hallucination that, after a few moments, I could hardly even remember.
also i have to be honest being this close to gerard way in the flesh did something to me. i know their face by heart at this point because of how often i draw it, but they are actually even more beautiful in real life. i have seen millions of clips of them doing exactly the same moves they did tonight but somehow i was absolutely star struck and in awe.
maybe not in a this is blorbro from my shows way but more like if milo's venus came to life
tomorrow is my first time seeing my chem live and it makes me so happy to see other fans walking around wembley tonight like guuysss it's you guys from my fanart blog !!!! we're all going to see the guys from our gifs !!!!!
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