Problems and Prayers

Erin...24...University of Alabama graduate...Tumblr is my diary...Roll Tide Always

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I dreamt about you last night. It’s been a while, but it still took my breath away when I realized it wasn’t real. I don’t know what triggered it. Probably just this time of year; college football; seeing your team all over the tv since they don’t play until tonight. Saturday was your favorite day of the year. I remember two years ago you were so excited that I’d agreed to take a whole day to sit and watch all college football had to offer with you. We made a huge spread and both felt terrible about half way through the day from all the junk food. Anyways, in my dream we ran into each other at the beach. You were passing through for drill weekend and missed me enough to reach out and spend time with me. You were still the most attractive person I had ever seen and I couldn’t take my eyes off you. When I asked you about your daughter, you shut down. I woke up hoping and believing that maybe you had tried to contact me. But you hadn’t. I know you won’t. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to let you go. But it isn’t today. And that’s ok. I’ve decided that’s ok.

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It’s times like these I need to write. I need to write so that I can remember this exact moment; I need to remember how sad I am but how much I feel a peace about the decision that has been made. I need to remember this peace because I know I’ll get angry again soon. Recently I’ve been angry more than I’ve been everything else combined, except at the studio. Always. 

I’ve been in this wilderness for years. Years and years with glimmers of the oasis I know is waiting for me. I get so angry because the glimmers seem like the real thing but turn out to be only mirages. Mirages I can feel and touch and taste yet disappear after such a short time. But a mirage is just that: a mirage. And this oasis that is waiting for me on the other side of this wilderness? That has to be one thousand times better than these mirages. I know that the time spent in the wilderness is a time spent in preparation. And Lord, you must have some amazing things planned for me with all this preparation I’m doing. Preparation to begin preparing for my life and all the adventures I know it will bring. I’ve never felt such a peace before. And I guess that comes because these big decisions are truly Your decisions. They’re coming after so much prayer I wondered, time and again, if You were really real. They’re coming after so much hurt and frustration and anger. But I guess that’s what faith is: being hurt and frustrated and angry and still trusting that You have my best interest at heart, even though I don’t always see that. So here I am; do Your best work in me.

[spiritualinspiration2]

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Exactly what I needed at the exact time.

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And what's changed...?

That's just it, isn't it? Nothings changed. All my friends are married and having babies. And I'm still just kinda...here. Sure, different job. Sure, grad school. But who measures life like that?

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Happy #nationalcatday to my wonderful sweetie! I never thought I'd love having a cat until Cleo came in to my life. Best decision I could have made at the perfect time! I love you pretty girl!

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So You’ve had it on my heart since before I can remember that I want to be a wife and a mother. I wanted to go to college to learn how to be a wife and a mother. That’s technically what I did. And every guy I’ve had, I’ve always thought was it. And then they get thrown in my face. A hundred times they’re thrown in my face. Two guys have married the next girl they dated after me. Everyone is getting married and having a family. And yea, I’ve realized some other things about myself. And I’m so thankful for those things. And I’m so thankful for the path my life is headed professionally. And yea, I know it’s all in Your timing. But why do I still miss him so much. And why can’t I get him out of my head. And why am I hurting these other guys along my journey. My journey to become a wife and a mother, along with all of my other passions I have. Why can’t I be ok with waiting on You to bring him to me.

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Day 71: These ladies. Shortly after I moved to Charleston, I was blessed to be introduced to these three. Over the last little while, they have each been making plans and acting on their lives outside Charleston. The last one ventured on today. Malley, Liane, and Mary. I seriously do not know what I would have done without you the last few years. Thank you for always picking me up when I fell over, rolling around on the floor when getting up wasn't an option, laughing with me, being super wonderful, and for your continued love and support. It has been such a blessing being a part of all the ups and downs, the new jobs, the bad jobs, the boys, fiancés, husband (baby's next!), wine glasses, and nachos. I cannot wait to see where the next steps in life take all of us while we're apart. Please know that you always have a bed and wine at my house. I love yall so much and can't wait for our reunion at the next wedding. #100happydays

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Hey girl - seems like you're going through kind of a sucky time. Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you! One of the scriptures that has been my rock during hard times is Romans 8:38-39 - "I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." Hope that encourages you somehow X

Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement l! It means more to me than you know

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No one is ever going to be you.

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I don’t know what to do. I hate this. All of this. I can’t do this anymore.

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Look Mom! Camo!

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Cleo :)

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I got a cat today. She’s perfect. I still need you. Someone help.

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Looks like someone found her favorite spot!

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[spiritualinspiration2]

If God made everything happen right away, or whenever we wanted it to happen, it wouldn’t require anything of us. We would miss the opportunity to grow because we grow in the difficult times. We grow when our faith is being stretched, when we have to believe when we don’t see any reason to believe, when we stay in faith when our mind is telling us we’re wasting our time, when we give God praise but we really feel like complaining. That’s passing the test. When you do that every day, your faith is not only increasing, your character is not only being developed, but you are one day closer to seeing the promise come to pass.

Today, don’t give up on a promise just because you’ve been waiting a long time. Dig your heels in. Put on a new attitude. God is saying, “Every promise I’ve spoken over you, every dream I’ve placed in your spirit, even the secret petitions of your heart, the dreams you haven’t told anyone about, I still have every intention of bringing them to pass.” Stay close to Him. Obey His Word and move forward in the blessing and victory He has prepared for you!

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So needed this