Processing Heartbreak

MJ. 26. She/her. Finding myself again.

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I loved you so much.  I still love you so much.

MJ

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I was reading through our old text messages, and I honestly don't know why you were with me for so long. I'm such a brat. I was so lucky to have you, and I thought you'd always be there, and I was wrong

MJ

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Honestly, the thought of you with someone else, loving someone else, still hurts me.

MJ

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Fall Out Boy said it best,  'thx 4 the mmrs

MJ

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Do I miss you? Or do I miss the way you made me feel?

MJ

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Even though you hurt me, I do want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in life. You're going to make a great dad. Your kids are going to be so lucky because I know how much you're going to love them.

MJ

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Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just glosisng over all the bad parts and just remembering the best of you

MJ

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I've gotten over the anger I felt from the pain you caused me. Now I'm just sad that we didn't work out. Sad that we aren't one of those happy couples I see. Sad that I can't hold your hand anymore. Sad that I'll never feel you kiss my forehead. Sad that I don't get to fall asleep next to you and wake up next to you. Sad. Just a lot of sad.

MJ

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Seeing happy couples makes my heart ache;  That used to be us.  I miss you.

MJ

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Missing you comes and goes in waves.  Some days I'm fine.  Other days, I don't know how to stop crying.

MJ

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I think after reading  you say that you're sorry, I've moved onto the acceptance portion of this grieving process. I think I needed to tell you that you knew exactly what you were doing. I think I needed to tell you that you are a piece of shit for what you've done.

MJ

[processingheartbreak-blog]

I was drunk. I was feeling vindictive. So I texted a boy that wanted to hook up with me your address.

MJ

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There was something freeing about hearing that you're sorry for what you've done.

MJ

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Guess I can check drunk girl crying in the club off my bucket list

MJ

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I keep swiping right to boys who look like you.

MJ

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I hope you are happy. I want you to be happy. I hope you get everything you want out of life, all the things I couldn't or refused to give to you.  Just I don't want to see it. I don't want to see how much you enjoy being without me.

MJ

[processingheartbreak-blog]

I learned about speaking a person up.  It means that if I say your name out loud, if I say your name many times, I'll summon you. You'll call me. Or text me. Or pass me by somewhere.  The thought of seeing you or hearing from you hurts. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.

MJ