bardians kill people, too (secretly)

Profile a little for the most paranoid Bard students. We all wonder about some people. Share your suspicions here. Disclaimer: All characters and events on this blog--even those based on real people--are entirely fictional. All circumstances are imagined...ridiculously. This blog contains graphic violence and cheap dark humor and should not be viewed by the faint of heart or small of mind. This blog is intended to amuse, not to attack or hurt anybody. The Bardians we write about are lovely people and (hopefully) not serial killers. If anybody is personally offended by one of our posts, we will be happy to take it down. We do not use last names and neither should submissions. If anybody has an objection to being profiled, let us know, and we will respect your wish.

[profilesomebardian]

Many areas of the Bard universe are ripe for humor and satire. This is not one of them. Anonymous attacks on fellow students' characters in a poor attempt at dark humor is malicious, and it isn't funny or entertaining. I feel a responsibility to speak when I see someone getting hurt--in this case, it's you. When you attack others you only cast yourself as juvenile, hateful, and above all, unamusing. Instead, try socializing with the weird folk at Bard--it's more interesting than your blog.

May I ask who you are to say what areas are “ripe for humor?” We the creators of this blog find what we are doing here amusing, and we hope at least a few other people will too. Hell, we hope the people we profile will find it funny. We are not doing anything to others that we would not want done to ourselves. The last thing we want is to genuinely hurt or embarrass anybody—that’s why we will always be quick to take down any post that causes such harm. Of course socializing with fellow Bardians is more interesting than our blog! This is just a small, admittedly quite tasteless slice of side amusement. Thank you for your feedback; we really appreciate your view on the subject.

Sincerely,D&P

[kind-hearts-deactivated20150614]

[profilesomebardian]

Ben: Organic Farming with All Natural Fertilizer

Weapon: Pitchfork

Estimated Victims: 3 - 4

Ben came to Bard College bright and early during the L&T program for incoming freshmen with dubious motives. From the onset, he took interest in the new class and became friendly with the fresh meat. At first, he seemed to be innocent and awkward enough, like many Bard boys, but what started as kind gestures proved to be worrisome.The girls he singled out started to avoid him, yet he seemed to be around every corner. When he managed to catch them alone, his comments would leave the girls feeling unsettled. After a month or two, his fixation would turn deadly.

It was inevitable that the object of his fixation would end up walking alone late at night, and Ben took this opportunity to break out the chloroform. It wasn't very hard to drag the girl to his car, bound and gagged. He would then transport the body to the meadow beyond the farm. He'd place her on a tarp, as though laying her down to sleep. While she was out, he'd obsess over her body, caressing her cheeks and combing his fingers through her hair. When she came to, she'd see a blurry figure standing over her. Confusion and panic would set in, and once they made eye contact, he'd strike her in one harsh blow to the chest with his well-used pitchfork. Placing one foot on her pelvis to steady himself, he would yank the prongs from her chest. He watched the blood flow from the lacerations with fascination. If she wasn't dead from the initial impact, she would soon die from blood loss.

After he was satisfied, he'd drag the tarp to the Bard farm and bury the body right under the patch where the next crops would be planted. He would likely only have a couple of victims, as the soil would need to be turned eventually, and his fellow students were bound to find the bodies in varying states of decay. Friends of the victims would point the police towards Ben, commenting on his predatory and lurking behavior.

When questioned, he lamented that he'd never get a shot at the new batch of freshmen.

Enjoy the kale,

- Deimos & Phobos

[freddy-is-my-daddy]