i fucking hate how people romanticize being an "academic weapon."
"omg i wish i was smart like you", "your parents must be so proud" or "your life must be so easy".
you mean spending your entire childhood believing your worth was a number on a report card? your productivity?
you mean quitting every hobby i ever loved because there was always another exam? telling my friends "sorry, maybe next time" until they just... stopped inviting me? till i had no friends? watching everyone else actually have a childhood, have fun while mine was just school, homework, tests, repeat?
no one sees the part where you panic over getting 95 because your parents ask where the other five marks went. they don't see the gut-wrenching feeling of coming second and feeling like you've failed your purpose. when you've been "the smart kid" your whole life, being anything less than number one feels like you're disappointing everyone, that you're a waste.
and then there's the burnout.
god, the fucking burnout.
you wake up exhausted every single day. you can't remember the last time you did something because you wanted to instead of because it'd look good on a CV. your brain feels like it's been scraped hollow but you still have to keep performing because nobody gives a shit that you're tired if you're still getting results.
you don't get to say you're burnt out.
people just assume you're lying because your performance is still good, as if straight As somehow cancel out pain.
i swear to god, people hear "you're gifted" and suddenly every problem you have becomes invalid.
"at least you'll get into a good college."
"i wish i had your problems."
i don't want my problems.
i want the hobbies i quit because i thought they were a waste of time. i want the friendships that slowly died because i was always studying. i want the weekends i spent stressing over exams instead of actually living. i want the version of me that existed before i became a fucking rat in a meaningless race.
being an academic weapon, studying to the point of sickness sn't a flex. god.
titsay
tangentwithtanner
gummygunk
areudirty
