Gender: The Final Frontier

Aaron, Phoenix, Cori, and Mandi- Four Eighth Graders with a goal to spread information about and improve the mental health of transgender and non-binary people.

[project-gender-identity]

Hi, I was wondering if each of you could tell me the best way you've found to help people understand how sex and gender are different. In cis culure, they're assumed to be the same, so it's really hard to explain. I know that helping people understand the difference can help them understand trans and inter folk better, and that's better for NB people! Thanks! Dee

Thanks for that suggestion Dee!

On the topic of sex and gender, they really are quite similar in many ways. The biggest confusion I think is more in terms of the fender someone is assigned at birth and their gender they identify as.

It’s really as simple as someone changing their name. Your parents give you a name because you can’t give one to yourself. Later in life, you can be like “Hey, I don’t like that name,” so you change it. It’s the same thing with gender, and changing your name is often a part of finding out your gender identity!

-Pheo =^u^=

[project-gender-identity]

What kind of support are you (young trans people) looking for from those of us who have been in the trans community for a longer time?

I think that what we (at least I) appreciate the most from older trans people is when they share their experiences with us. It really helps me a lot to know that other people have been through similar things that I have been through and lived through it.

That’s one of the reasons that I am always so happy to meet trans adults. A lot of people have told ME that I inspire them for being out as trans at such a young age. Really, I’m the one who should be telling them that they inspire me! 

For a really long amount of time, I had a hard time imagining myself as an adult. I didn’t really know if I would get support from my family (I did), be able to transition (I am), or even survive long enough to become an adult (I will!). Trans adults mean so much to me. With all of the trans teenagers who don’t survive until adulthood, it makes me so happy to see wonderful people who did.

Honestly, all I need from trans adults is their friendship! There are so many wonderful women who give me hugs whenever I see them at meetings. One of my friends says that I can vent to her when I am sad; she gave me her phone number in case I ever need to talk. That’s the best kind of support that anyone can give me. 

-Aaron <(^v^)>

[project-gender-identity]

the anon probably meant a religiously confirmed daughter, like she has been baptized previously and then confirmed belief and been admitted as a full member of her church.

ah, thank you for explaining that trashkam! <3

-Pheo =^u^=

[project-gender-identity]

I'm a 12 grade mtf transexual, and I am very proud and so happy for all of you, for your strength and coming out at a younger age. I was also wondering how did you find out that your gender didn't necessarily match your sex?

Thanks for the support cautiousandcowardly! I’d like to point out, though, that the barrier between sex and gender is a little complicated, and a more simple way to refer to it is assigned gender. (Aaron could explain more about it probably)

We answered an ask similar to this not too long ago. It was, for me, just a matter of finding out that being trans (namely nonbinary) even existed. I just looked at the definition and something clicked, and I was like “Hey! That’s how I feel! They’re talking about me!” Well, it’s not always that simple, it took me awhile to come to terms with it (finding these things out can be scary.) 

Again, thanks so much!

-Pheo =^u^=

[project-gender-identity]

My confirmed daughter is 8. I keep being told she is too young to know. She's always known, it just took me awhile to understand. Do you have any references I could help explain this?

First off anon, we’re not sure what you mean by “confirmed daughter.” However, children knowing they’re trans from a young age is not uncommon at all! Some famous people actually have children around 6 or 7 who have realized they’re trans (even though the media loves to talk about it as the parent “forcing the child to be another gender” which is gross.) Also, we’re not really sure what you’d like to explain. If you could come back and be more specific, we could help you a lot more. It would also help to know whether your “daughter” (I put in quotes because sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you mean their assigned or decided gender) is afab, amab, or neither. Thanks!

-Pheo =^u^=

[project-gender-identity]

This question is for Aaron, Phoenix, Mandi and Cori... When did you realize your gender identity?

For me, it was when I first heard the term “nonbinary.” I didn’t know the term, so I looked it up, and as soon as I found out what it meant I was like “Hey! That’s me! There’s a word for that!” I’ve always felt like neither a boy or a girl, it’s just a matter of finding out those things exist really.

-Pheo =^u^=

Hey there! I am right next to Pheo in the computer lab at school so I will answer this too! So I realized my gender was male when I was around 12 years old. I sort of felt really uncomfortable when people called me “she”, and it got to the point where I felt sick when people referred to me as my birth name. I probably should’ve known since I was really young, but I never really knew that I was allowed to be a boy!

-Aaron <(^v^)>

[project-gender-identity]

My transgender son's grandmother can't seem to make herself use the proper pronouns, even in public, which I've told her can be dangerous for my son. It's not that she doesn't believe he's transgender or that she wants to make him feel bad. It just makes her feel very odd to use the right pronouns, and she can't bring herself to do it. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might help her become more comfortable with masculine pronouns for my son?

The best remedy for that is practice and using your son’s pronouns and name as much as possible around her. It’s really a matter of adjusting for some people. The more normal it becomes for your son’s correct name and pronouns to be used, my guess is she’ll start to use them out of habit of hearing it so much. Correcting her when she gets it wrong is important too. I’m so glad you’re being supportive of your son! 

-Pheo =^u^=

[project-gender-identity]

What are the top 5 facts you think would help families and people to be more accepting of transgender or gender non conforming people?

1. Remember that a person's gender is not always what you think it is upon seeing them. As a nonbinary person who wears dresses and likes to sometimes wear makeup (when I can be bothered to), it's always weird when people think I'm a girl just because I wear dresses sometimes. Clothes and physical features have no gender!

2. Very similar to one, and this can be hard (I know I still struggle with it); don't assume a person's gender/pronouns. I always think of it like asking for a person's name; ask their pronouns too. ie: "Hi, my name's Julian and I use he/him pronouns. What's your name and pronouns?" If you can't ask a person's pronouns or you're just mentioning them offhand, get used to using they/them unless you know their pronouns. ie: "Wow, I love their hair!" Not so much a fact as a tip I suppose, but still useful.

3. A person can find out their gender at any age. I know some people who haven't found out they were trans until they were very old, and I know of some kids who knew from a very young age. (I'm 14 and I just came out this year.)

4. There are more than just boys and girls. Other gender exist too, and some people are more than one gender or have none at all.

5. Spreading information is really important! Spread as much as you can, it helps a lot!

Thanks for the question!

-Pheo =^u^=

[project-gender-identity]

How can I let people know that I am bigender? I go by he/him pronouns but nobody at my school really knows that I also consider myself a girl, just that I crossdress sometimes. Is there any way to make it more apparent without directly telling people?

It may be hard for people to understand this without telling them, and this is sort of a difficult question for me to answer- I've always been very open about my gender. 

One thing that I could think of doing is to switch between referring to yourself in terms that are more feminine and terms that are more masculine. If you said something like, "Wow! I look so pretty today!"* then people might notice that it seems like a kind of feminine term to use. If you say something like, "I'm SO handsome!"** then people would notice that it's a more masculine term.

(*,**: Yes. All of the statements that I use as examples in the post MUST be positive! This is a mental health blog after all :^] )

I have to cut this short because health class is ending, but I hope that this helps a little!

-Aaron <(^v^)>

[project-gender-identity]

Gender neutral terms in place of Boyfriend or Girlfriend

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/12/gender-neutral-alternatives/

Here we are, lovelies! I hope this is of use to you!

~Cori and Mandi

[genderoftheday]

Today’s Gender of the day is: elite sport

[project-gender-identity]

How do you explain to someone that you've always been a boy? That saying "When he was girl" is very uncomfortable and announcing your birth name to people without permission is rude? Do you consider this bothersome? Wonderful tumblr, love the name of it.

I’ve always found this sort of difficult to explain to people! They try too hard to hold onto the language of “born a girl”, “transitioning from female to male”, etc.

It makes me very uncomfortable when people say that about me. For some people, it doesn’t really have an effect. I know a lot of trans people who identify as FTM/MTF (female to male/male to female), but that language makes me uncomfortable when it is applied to me. 

It can also reinforce the idea of gender being binary, instead of existing on a spectrum.

I have never really had a good way to explain to people that it is rude to do this in a way that makes them understand. If they are trying to be understanding, then they might just respect your wishes if you tell them that these things make you uncomfortable.

I sort of just say, “Hey! It makes me really uncomfortable when you say that I used to be a girl! Babies don’t understand gender! Babies cannot have a gender from the moment they are born! I have always been a boy, even though I was led to believe that I was a girl for nearly 12 years!”

If someone announces my birth name to someone without my permission, I sort of just like…make noises/cry until they realize that they are the one who caused the problem. I mean, I don’t actually do that, but. I sort of just go “ehhhhhh don’t say that around me” and hope that they understand why. Ha.

-Aaron <(^v^)>

[project-gender-identity]

Do you feel accepted and supported at school?

So, I guess this question would be for both me and Phoenix. I will answer now, but I will text Pheo and ask them to add their response to this when they have a chance.

The short answer for me is: Yes and no. 

The longer answer is this.

Yes, because the teachers are nice to me and try to use my name and pronouns. Yes, because I have friends and acquaintances who use my name and pronouns in certain classes.Yes, because I get to at least change for P.E. in the boys' restroom.

No, because these same teachers, including the counselors, do not show support for my friends who need to be called pronouns that are not he or she.No, because there are still students making "man in a dress" jokes in the hallways.No, because people have made fun of me and my friends for telling them to use our pronouns.No, because I saw my classmates laughing as we presented our idea for this blog, and I immediately felt very anxious and unsafe at the school.

So, I hope that answers your question.

-Aaron <(^v^)>

[project-gender-identity]

I have a son whom is gender non-conforming. He will not wear girls clothes in public. How can I help him to feel more comfortable in public no matter what he wears? Should I just let him wait until he is more comfortable?

The first thing that a gender non-conforming person should know is: No matter what you wear, you will always be the gender that you identify with! If you're wearing a dress and you're a boy, then that dress is a boy's dress!

That may not really make your son confident enough to wear feminine clothing in public, but it is definitely worth mentioning. It might take a while for him to get more comfortable. You should try to boost his confidence, but if that doesn't work, you definitely should just wait until he feels comfortable enough to wear feminine clothing in public.

I also noticed that, for some people, it helps if their friends do something fun to show support. Something he might find helpful is if some of his male friends wore dresses or skirts on a certain day to show him that it is okay to wear feminine clothing. Of course, he might just find this ridiculous and be embarrassed, but I think that it is kind of cute when things like this happen.

Anyone else have anything to add?

-Aaron <(^v^)>

(P.S.: Is your child gender non-conforming as in not restricted to gender roles, likes wearing dresses, etc. or as in non-binary/not identifying as male or female?)

[project-gender-identity]

What do you think of someone who is older and questioning gender - like 50+? When "she" was raised in the 1960s and 70s, "she" wanted to be a boy but was laughed at by adults around "her". "She" was just considered a "tomboy" and didn't know there were other possibilities. Not until "she" grew up, got married, had children and one turned out to be transgender as an adult, did "she" even know about such a thing. Now "she" just feels sad and confused about her own identity. ---- signed Kae

It is perfectly okay to question your gender, no matter what your age happens to be. In fact, a few of my good friends are transgender women who did not realize that they were transgender until very late in their life. 

A lot of trans people do not even know the word "transgender" until they are adults. They might know that they're not the gender that they were assigned at birth by the time they know what gender is, but never know that there is a word for what they are. They also might not realize that they are transgender until they are an adult.

This person should know that they should not feel sad about questioning their identity so late in life! Maybe they can have a conversation with their transgender child (well, adult) to try to understand more about how they identify.

If this person wants to transition, then they should know that it is NEVER too late. I wish them luck in discovering their identity!

Thanks for the question, Kae!

-Aaron <(^v^)>

[project-gender-identity]

Is there any correlation between Transgender and Autism?

This is a really good question! 

A lot of transgender people who I know are autistic, and almost every autistic person in my friend group (including myself) is transgender. I do not actually know if there is a reason for this, though. 

I am going to put this in the actuallyautistic and askanautistic tags to see if anyone else there can answer this question more clearly.

Thank you for asking this question!

-Aaron <(^v^)>

Hey! Mandi is adding on! :o)

Okay, so I don't know much about this myself! however, Some interesting statistics I found are quoted below, the links underneath.

As stated by Kyle Simon:

"A less commonly discussed phenomenon in the autism community (and in the greater mental health community) is that autism spectrum disorders (ASD) occur at a higher rate in transgender people than in the general population.

((shown http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-011-1227-8#page-1.

All of the provided research data linked in the article, sadly enough, must be rented out in order to see some exact numbers. Sorry for the inconvenience.))

...

A study... in 2012... found that... [trans males] have higher rates of autistic features than do [transgender females] or cisgender males and females. Another study... found that almost 8 percent of subjects were also diagnosed with ASD."

~http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3896317

More articles on the matter can be found:

TIME magazine: http://healthland.time.com/2011/05/18/study-why-some-transgendered-people-have-higher-levels-of-autistic-traits/ (Apologies, as there were a few more originally! They proved to be not-really-as-trustworthy as I had originally thought.)

☮~Mandi :o)

[project-gender-identity]

Aaron, You mentioned a supportive family. Does having support benefit your mental health? How do you feel you would be affected if you didn't have support?

Having support has benefited my mental health a lot! While I still have a lot of problems, my mental health got a little bit better when I came out. It has gotten better as my mom and the rest of my family continue to learn more about gender.

My dad, as well as the rest of his side of the family, is getting better too. My dad has supported me from the start, but he also had a lot of trouble with pronouns and my name at first. My grandparents are supportive, but they have a lot of trouble with my pronouns, and my grandpa still accidentally calls me by my Dead name sometimes as well.

I don't often visit my grandparents' house, but just the fact that they have trouble with that makes me upset whenever I go there. I love them a lot, but it hurts when people misgender me!

That's probably really off-topic, but I guess that I'm sort of trying to use that as a way to say: Even with support from that part of the family, they misgender me often, and that alone is bad for my mental health. If no one in my family supported me and I was constantly misgendered, it would be way, way worse.

Thanks for the question!

-Aaron <(^v^)>