How to Spot Red Flags - Adult Offender
Something to recognize about child sexual abuse, is that there are always "Red Flags", or signs and clues, that something is happening.
For this post, I am going to focus on the Offender, and red flags you can spot that may make you say, "Hummm.... something isn't quite right about this". I want you to think of situations you may have seen with friends, family members, and people who work or volunteer in workplaces or organizations that children attend.
There are situations where a sexual offender is a "nice person". They do great things for the community, they are an amazing coach or volunteer. Great. Please remember, that we should separate someone's reputation, from the behaviour they display. Sure, they are a good person, but if they are doing any of the following things, we should reflect on that. Good people can do bad things.
Do you know who an offender of child sexual abuse is? Someone who has access to children. Keep that in mind as you read forward.
1) Is an adult spending one-on-one time with a child?
If you notice that an adult is spending one-on-one, or alone time, with a certain child, that is a red flag. When we see this happening, we should ask ourselves, "Why is this person alone with a child? Is this necessary?". It is important to remember that it is okay to ask the adult why this is happening. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it. You are not accusing them of anything, but simply stating that perhaps being alone with a child is not a safe thing to do, for the adult, or the child, could help put things into perspective for that individual. An example of how you could approach this conversation would be: "I've noticed that you are taking Johnny into the art supply room and closing the door. I just want to make sure you understand how that can be viewed as an unsafe situation, because an adult should never be alone with a child". Perhaps you could also go over the child protection policy the organization/workplace has as well. This is a rough example, but it simply shows that you are not saying "Are you hurting Johnny in that art supply room? Is that why you are going in there?". You can take a mental note of the situation, talk to the adult about it, and keep your eye on that individual in the future.
2) Is an adult contacting or spending time with a child outside of their organization or work?
Contacting: I have heard an example over the last few months where someone contacted me and said "Is it normal for my child's coach to be sending them Facebook messages at 3 in the morning, asking to hang out?" I said "NO NO NO NO NO. Report this person right away!" (thankfully, multiple parents had already done so). To my knowledge, this coach is STILL coaching, unless things have changed since I spoke to this individual. Again, we must ask ourselves WHY?. Why is this coach contacting players outside of their team? Why does this coach have a minor on their Facebook friend's list to begin with? Why is this coach asking the child to "hang out" at 3am? This situation is a huge red flag. This coach is displaying very unprofessional behaviour that is completely unsafe. There should be no reason why this coach is contacting their player. Even if the coach was talking about hockey - Facebook friends and private messages? Not okay. What the coach should do, if there was a professional, logical reason for contacting their player, would be to tag the parent in the conversation as well. An example would be, if a game was cancelled last minute, and the coach wanted to let the player know. He should tag parents in the message, so the parents are aware that the coach is even contacting the player.
Spending Time Outside Organization/Workplace: If an adult is spending time with a child outside of their workplace or organization, we need to again, ask ourselves why? If an adult coming to your house, picking your child up and taking them for lunch or a movie? Why are they doing that? If it is not part of their programs, and it is one adult, why is this happening? A solid organization with the safety of the children as top priority, would ensure that they discussed with the parents why this was happening, and talk about the safety of the child. Why can't they bring two adults on this lunch and movie activity? Why can't you, as their parent, go along as well? I would assume, that if you asked the individual taking your child on something like this if you could join, and they reacted with anger, we should be alarmed.
3) Is an adult showing special treatment to a certain child or children?
Sometimes, sexual offenders give gifts, or take certain children to the movies, meals, or on special trips. If someone in your life is showing this type of "grooming" behaviour, we should, yet again, ask ourselves why this is happening. Why is someone showing your child, or a child you know, this special treatment? Perhaps they are genuinely a nice, safe person and would never harm your child. Wonderful. However, it is still recommended that we ask ourselves why this person wants to spend alone time with the child. Perhaps you can join them on a trip, or meal. Maybe have a discussion with the individual spending time with the child, and talk about safety, have conversations with the child about the person they go on trips with, pay attention to their behaviours, etc.
Those are some situations I want you to reflect on. Remember, it is okay to ask questions. Actually, it is almost essential to ask questions. If we do so, we could help stop a child from experiencing sexual abuse. We could help organizations and workplaces reflect on their child protection policies. YOU have the power to stop child sexual abuse. The question is, will you wear the cape? Or keep it tucked away in a drawer.
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