why?

personal. trigger warning.

[prostheticboy]

sing me to sleep

i wonder if anyone has dreamt about me. i wonder how they felt when they woke up.

[prostheticboy]

Not sick enough for anyone to care.

[prostheticboy]

dream

j.r. was in my dream last night and he didn’t remember me. i has to tell him who i was and he thought i was obsessed with him. i don’t know if he ever remembered in the dream. i miss him and i hate how dreams make it seem like people aren’t real when i wake up.

[prostheticboy]

i can feel jealousy and anger grow in my stomach, like nervous butterflies. they will explode. i will never be good enough.

[prostheticboy]

i feel like a piece of shit for reconnecting with A and now almost regretting it. i felt like i needed to talk with her because it had been a long time and it was her birthday and i thought that was a good time. her youngest alter looks to me as a mother and i do care about her a lot and A has really gotten better i think. but A kind of admitted to me that the system becomes more active when I’ve been in connection because of attachment stuff and not wanting me to leave. and it feels like it was months ago when i was still talking with A that this same stuff was happening and there would be troubles within the system and although the abusive violent alters seemed to have dissipated I’m scared that more problems will start again. i don’t want to seem like I’m “i like you but without your illness” because I love A and much of the system but it stresses me beyond belief that I may start to make things worse and I don’t know how to say that. I know it’s upsetting for the youngest when I’m gone but with A getting ready for graduation and college I’m scared this will hurt the progress they’ve made. i don’t know what to do.

[prostheticboy]

i have a butterfly feeling in my stomach. why am i hurt? why am i hurt? do i deserve to be hurt?

[prostheticboy]

s.a., s.b., j.r., k.s., k.b.

do you still think of me? do you see me in your dreams? do you remember me? do you miss me? do you still care?

[prostheticboy]

no offense but why does no one care about me no one gives a fuck about how i feel

[prostheticboy]

on dreams

i've been having dreams about being back in hospitals almost every night and it’s starting to be absolutely agonizing. they’re always different and usually hospitals that i wasn’t in but i always have the same feeling that i will be stuck there forever and never be able to get out and that i will be cut off from the entire world. i think this stems from both the residential i went to and the hospital i was in in march. i felt like i would never ever leave the residential i was at. i was more lonely than i had ever been, and i think that still stands true. i was so numb there.

i think it might have more to do with the hospital i was in in march. i was forced (not using this term lightly: i had no choice and my parents and case manager could do nothing about it, i screamed and fought with the physical strength i still had until they picked me up and strapped me down on the stretcher) to go a hospital that was 200 miles away from anyone i knew; family friends treatment team. it was just a bad place and not a hospital at all but really a crisis place/holding tank. i never tell people to avoid getting treatment but if possible, never go to pembroke hospital. it’s a shitty excuse for a treatment center. a staff basically just watched when i was hitting my head against a wall and then took my own fukin staples out. i felt like i would never leave. i really owe my sanity to my case manager and the clinician there for getting me the fuck out of there. i was truly miserable.

i think it may be because of a new med i'm on that has been known to cause very vivid dreams. i know when i wake up that it’s not real and i won’t ever have to go through that again but it’s just the fucking feeling that stays with me all day. i would rather not dream at all.

[prostheticboy]

im more depressed than I have been in so long or maybe even the most depressed I’ve ever been??? I have no joy doing anything anymore except probably dancing but I’m so physically weak and tired that I can’t do it as much as I want especially because I can Rarely use the studio. and I just. Want to die!! A lot!! I’m sadder than I’ve ever been and no cares!!! I feel like I’m losing friends and no one cares!!! I have random psychotic breakdowns during school and lmao guess what No One cares At All!!! My therapist flat out asked me why I’m still alive and I was like. Um damn well. Since everyone’s stopped caring I guess there is no reason ! :))

[prostheticboy]

My therapist told me that she has a friend who knows the woman that worked in the store that day. She said it traumatized the woman. I don't doubt it but fuck it's just. Doesn't feel real

[prostheticboy]

to k.b.

you said i was one of the only ones you felt like you could talk to. you were the first one to tell me you had a crush on her. you told me everything that happened at work. then you talked with me the whole time during my 6 hour ambulance ride to somewhere i didn’t want to go. i was terrified but you gave me hope by saying that i would see you more when i got out. i called you when i was there. you helped keep me in reality. 

a month later you cut me off. i understand why. but it seemed so fucking easy for you. i talked to you for the first time in 2 months the other day. i don’t know if you care anymore. i hope you did in the first place. 

[prostheticboy]

dkfgjhfdjgkdf i’m not even bad enough to get help i want my CM and mom to fuck off!!! i don’t need another fucking therapist i’m not even sick shut the FUck up

[prostheticboy]

on missing loved people

i am in so much pain. it has been 347 day since I’ve seen S and K. A whole year on the 5th. I want to die so badly. I am in so much pain. I think the biggest source of pain I’ve ever felt is from missing people, and I am I reminded of that every. Day. At dinner last night I almost know that Dr. A was there. It’s all I could think about. I can’t be down here without always feeling like she might be around, like I might see her. I can’t live like this. This is the worst pain. Having so much love for people whom I can’t give it to.

[prostheticboy]

on relapse

the best thing about relapse is that i don’t want to talk about it with my friends just bc i don’t want to trigger them and i fuckin hate my current therapist and i better get to see my other one soon or i’m going to commit!! also my doctor fukin asked me “are you trying to have an eating disorder again?” and i was ?? bitch i’m not trying this is my relapse ??? i don’t think she meant it as an offense and she said she didn’t know how else to phrase it but i was shook and i was already sobbing so it was #cool also i’m going to a ballet that’s being performed by my previous company and i have a feeling i’m just going to be dissociating the whole time 

[prostheticboy]

she’s still real, it’s okay

sam was in my dream last night, and i had to wake up early anyway so i called her. i haven’t talked with her since my attempt in may. i started crying and told her i miss her and i know i shouldn’t. i don’t know how she feels. i do think she cares but i don’t know if she thinks of me as just another patient. i hate missing people i hate this it’s been almost a year since i’ve seen all of them. this doesn’t feel real. maybe she has moved on but i don’t know if i ever can

[prostheticboy]

i’m telling my current therapist that i’m better and i’m working on dbt skills so that i can go back and see my old therapist. i hate being manipulative but i’m a piece of shit so :)) i’m not completely lying when i say i’m doing okay though like?? i’m not doing Better and i think about dying more but like i haven’t done anything stupid and impulsive in a pretty long time tbh