Ā Ā Ā something flutters in philipās chest when lukas takes his sleeve, Ā Ā something that would burst and stop beating if the other boy had grabbed his hand insteadā Ā his heart, Ā Ā Ā Ā his head; Ā his body, and his goddamn soul. Ā philip didnāt believe much in love before he came to dutchess county. Ā Ā Ā Ā didnāt believe in it even with the first step he took into red hook high school. Ā for love to him had been something made up for stories. Ā Ā for disney movies. for rich people who could afford a happy ending. Ā love? Ā didnāt exist⦠until lukas showed up ; and made everything he touched ⦠       suddenly appear in color, rather then in black and white.Ā
and fuck him for doing that, fuck lukas waldenbeck. Ā why did it have to be him? why did it have to be a guy, he knows ⦠feels something ; Ā but refuses to admit it? philip, he could handle the sky falling on his shoulders. Ā but this? this he didnāt think he could. Ā Ā yet despite it all, with a tick in his jaw, and a heavy swallow ⦠  he sturdies himself, because thatās all he knows how to do. Ā
itās like when they saw the murder. Ā lukas was afraid, terrified. Ā and so was philip. Ā but he had to stay strong for hisĀ āwouldbe loverā. Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā for this boy who meant so much to him, despite the little amount of time they had known each other. Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā and so he had stood like steel. Ā yet now, in this moment he wanes. Ā Ā Ā facial expression faltering to a bitter sadness, that eats away at his heart when he sees in his head, Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā lukas looking at him with rose perched a top his lap. Ā Ā when in his dreams, there was someone else there ; and it wasnāt her, it was himself.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā ⦠iām not leavingā ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā the pounding of his heart is unfamiliar, each beat sounding fairly similar to bullets leaving a gun. with each pound he feels like heās DYING-- the emotions overwhelming the boy. who knew love could hurt this much? he certainly didnāt. however, as hesitant palms move from fabric to skin, he doesnāt want the pounding to stop. death by love is far better than dying at the hands of the man they saw kill those guys.Ā
thereās a slight shake to lithe fingers, gently moving across philipās cheek. he almost pulls away upon feeling the soft skin there; he doesnāt deserve to have this boy here with him. lukas wants to take it back--meeting the other, for the sake of philipās happiness, but heās SELFISH and he doesnāt move. instead, he only proceeds further. breaths mingle, and eyes donāt move from where they stare into him. decoding them this is not an easy task for the boy. he knows it feels wrong and right in all the same places; but how can he know which is the valid way to feel?
ā philip...i--i donāt want to stop this...us... ā words are sincere, but spoken with trepidation. most of the time, his words only make situations worse; he doesnāt want this to be one of those times.Ā