JaxSB
This showed up today on my FB Flashback, pretty humorous article I had e-mailed a friend who had moved out of the Jacksonville area back in the late '90s. It's from the Florida Times-Union sports section during Super Bowl XXXIX week here in the 904! Circa January 2005 - Enjoy! Go ahead, bash us! We can take it; we'll even help you insult our fair town! By: MATT SOERGEL, The Times-Union Dear glamorous out-of-town journalist: How y'all doin'? Thanks for leaving your incredibly cosmopolitan city to spend a few days here in the sticks. We know: We can't believe we got the Super Bowl either! And we know that a big part of your Super Bowl fun lies in pointing out the inadequacies of the host city, even if it's San Diego, which is, like, the most perfect place on earth. Boy, you must be licking your lips waiting to dig into us (if you've been able to wait, that is). And then you've got Detroit next year -- lucky you! It gets even better: To do your big story on Jacksonville, we've saved you the trouble of having to leave your no-doubt completely unacceptable hotel room. (Sorry, the Magic Fingers aren't working and the soda machine's out of Diet.) We've done it for you. After whiling away a few hours down by the "cee-ment" pond, swatting at mosquitos and gnawing on boiled peanuts, we've come up, for all our colleagues covering Super Bowl XXXIX, exactly XXXIX reasons to bash Jacksonville. (Sure, we had more, but the XXXIX number just seemed so catchy.) They're all yours: Feel free to embellish/adapt/discard as you wish. 1. Jacksonville's original name was Cowford, a Timucuan Indian word meaning "hot, flat boring place by the river." 2. Jacksonville: Conveniently located near South Georgia. 3. Yes, we're small. But we are the second biggest city in the country with a "ville" in its name, behind only Hooterville, home to Uncle Joe, the Petticoat Junction girls and Arnold the pig. 4. Yup, that's downtown. That's all there is. There isn't any more. 5. There are so places to eat after midnight. You got a problem with waffles? 6. There are multiple dining options in Jacksonville: Fried or smothered in barbecue sauce. Or both. On waffles. 7. Strip clubs here have either nudity and no alcohol, or alcohol and no nudity. City council members spent the better part of January discussing how many square inches of buttocks could be exposed by bikini dancers. Some fun, huh? 8. As unbelievably grim as it is here for you glamorous out-of-town journalists, we're actually all spiffed up for our big date with the Super Bowl. You should see us in the morning, without our makeup on. Man, oh man. 9. Is Jacksonville Southern? Put it this way: We have public schools named for Robert E. Lee, Jeb Stuart and Nathan Bedford Forrest (one of the founders of the KKK). 10. There really are Confederate flags in the windows of pickup trucks. We can vouch for that. 11. Sure, it's unbearably hot nine months of the year. But it's a wet heat. 12. "Cute" is probably not the highest praise a Super Bowl city could ask for its airport. 13. Jacksonville's as red as red-state America gets. And if you have a problem with that, you must be a girly-man, defeatist ultra-liberal who hates America. 14. Even Orlando likes to make fun of us. Orlando! Our response: "Yeah, well ... um ... uh ... Mickey Mouse!" 15. When we want to make fun of someplace, we pick on Yulee. Hardly a fair fight, but that's the way we like it. 16. Since they fixed the paper mills, it doesn't smell anymore. Not as much anyway. Unless the wind's blowing down from Yulee. 17. Yes, that's an ocean 15 miles east of here. But they built the city on a river. Go figure. 18. Jacksonville is so backward, the river runs north. 19. There are lots of things for tourists to do here. It's called St. Augustine. 20. You weren't mistaken: Somebody just called you "honey." (Admit it: You liked it.) 21. True fact: The college radio station in town plays easy-listening music. 22. At last count, 18 radio stations were vying for the honor of being called Jacksonville's classic-rock station. 23. The remaining three stations play today's country hits, all the time. 24. There are two kinds of homeowners in Jacksonville: Those who say they have cockroaches, and those who are liars. 25. That cool Skyway tram you see running through downtown? It doesn't go to stadium. Or the arena. Or the ballpark. Or The Jacksonville Landing. But it does connect a couple of really big parking lots. 26. Jag-wars? Jag-wires? We're still making up our minds. 27. Lynyrd Skynyrd, Molly Hatchet and .38 Special all came from Jacksonville. Notice a trend? 28. Limp Bizkit too. Our bad. 29. Just like in other cities, concertgoers here hold up cigarette lighters and chant: "Free Bird!" Only we're not being ironic. 30. Jacksonville is so boring, even hurricanes won't come here. 31. The biggest landmark downtown is First Baptist Church. At least we know they aren't going to go out of business. 32. Can't find a cab? Don't feel bad. Jacksonville natives have never seen one either. "That's one o'them yeller cars, right?" 33. Last call in this town is 2 a.m. However, get-your-butt-kicked-because-you-looked-at-my-girlfriend-the-wrong-way-time is right around 1:45 a.m. 34. Yes, that was a restaurant sign you saw that said "Chinee-Takee-Outee." 35. A strip mall for every taste. 36. There's a slight sprawl problem. Wherever you are, you're 25 minutes from wherever you want to be. 37. Sweet Home Alabama invariably gets the biggest cheers at a Jaguars game. And we don't even like Alabama. 38. Jaguars games almost never sell out. We're too busy doing, um, ah, all kinds of other exciting stuff instead. 39. The city recently chose a new slogan: Where Florida Begins Runner-up slogan? The City That Sleeps
