i don’t cry when others cry, and i don’t laugh just because everyone else does. people often see me as a loner or antisocial, especially at work, and even my supervisors question my personality. but i do feel emotions, just differently. i can cry over deeply emotional scenes, not shallow ones like romance, but moments with real weight, like in along with the gods when the youngest son says goodbye to his mute mother.
in my own life, though, it’s harder. when my dad died, and when we lost our first dog, i didn’t cry like everyone else. instead, i distracted myself without really understanding why. then weeks or months later, it hits me, this heavy sense that something is missing. it feels like my reasons for living quietly lessen, not in a way that makes me want to give up, but in a way can’t fully explain.
even with scenes from one piece , i can feel emotional. but in real life, it’s different, and it started affecting my work.
at my last job, getting along with colleagues was part of the evaluation. at first i thought my supervisor was exaggerating, until i saw it officially written and graded. in my head i was like dafuq? should've said that.
there was one time i was already dealing with personal issues and feeling heartbroken. while i was on a call, the customer had every right to be furious and asked for a supcall. i informed my tl, explained the situation, and she told me to try escalating it while she listened to my call and somehow guided me on what to say. while talking, i realized i made a mistake during verif, so the customer had to call again. she got really angry, not yelling, but her words cut deep. i've been yelled at and cursed before, on my everyday life at that hellish place but this felt different. it was like she was questioning my worth, whether i even deserved my job, like i was just some lowly person earning a few dollars an hour.
i think my tl heard me start to cry and told me to transfer the call. and i hated her for that. she knew i was crying but didn’t give me even a few minutes to have a break and go to the restroom to calm myself, didn’t ask either. didnt expect anything from her at all. think i was crying for hours while taking calls. cant stop the tears and didnt even care about anything anymore. after that, i felt angry at everything for days.
that’s why i wish i could cry in the moment. i don’t want to suppress my emotions and then suddenly explode when something triggers them. i'm worried they'll turn into resentment as they always do. i'm afraid of what i might say or do if it ever gets that bad.
