The last few weeks, Iāve felt burnt out. Lack of passion and determination for study and exercise. Out of all the things I paid attention to, the most important things - became the least important. I dropped the ball. I decided to take on 30hrs for a month and a bit. KNOWING I had my studies with a demanding load. Gradually, I fell behind. I never regained the organisation and thatās on me. A few days ago, it felt like my heart was broken. I couldnāt stop feeling guilty and ashamed. Now, with a clearer mind, I see how my actions had a ripple-effect on the 2 things I once deemed a priority. Iām starting to feel MUCH better about myself and the shame has since gone. I had a moment of clarity yesterday: I feel nothing about this situation because IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Yes, I can sit and nope about how I ānever go through with thingsā and Iām āobsessed about making moneyā and Iām āalways doing thisā. But no. This time, it is different. In the moment, it absolutely felt the same. But when I look back in time at certain things I gave up, it was one or the other. I gave myself options and I chose a different or more important priority AT THE TIME. In those moments, my back was breaking and something had to give. I simply made choices. How they impacted me were generally positive. And yet, it still makes me sad afterwards. I think itās because I can be incredibly harsh on myself. I set insane standards to keep myself going. But in the end, it usually ends up being me, beating myself up mentally and emotionally when a standard isnāt met. I know, I know. It isnāt healthy. Iām working on it.
*No matter what it takes. Iām going to try one more year. If it is a complete disaster, I will go back to the drawing board.
What will be important, is to plan the academic semester so I have ample time to complete tasks. It will be PARAMOUNT to prioritise study over earning money. I may need to say no to hanging out unless I can put a time on it, depending what is due. Iāll need a NEW STRATEGY to be able to sit through readings, lectures and textbook skimming. I havenāt mastered it yet, but Iām sure Iāll find something. Surely thereād be others who struggle the way I do.
Next, I need to cut down my responsibilities. Itās been a RELIEF not worrying about major holidays this year and barely doing half the shit I used to. I have been able to focus on the home, my boyfriend and my sister when we have time. It feels like quality time, and less of running around trying to āmake people happyā. Itās also a change in mindset. It is never anyoneās responsibility to make someone happy, unless youāre a comedian and want to make people laugh. But making someone laugh is different to making someone happy. Emotional regulation is our responsibility once we are old enough to understand it. ā¢ My harsh views are being worked on, too. During last yearās stress and this yearās recovery/pandemic, my views hardened. Iāve felt more passionate or irritated about things in general. I expected things to be done āby the bookā and yet my own life is not black and white. Iām working on it! I believe this stems from personal resentment and general irritation from life stressors. My views are beginning to soften and I often remind myself to look at both sides of a topic, factor and even person. We are all made of many facets and āsidesā.
Lastly, Iām hopeful about my future. Iāve started reading a book called, āMaybe You Should Talk To Someoneā. It is an insight about a psychotherapists practice and is a great reminder that therapists are human too. Iāve had this strange perception from previous study that a practitioner shows NO signs of struggle ever. This notion is obviously dangerous and not an authentic representation of a human, providing therapy for another human. The line blurs when tragedy happens or our personal life goes up in flames. Being able to be there for someone whilst also dealing with a crisis must be incredibly hard. But, it does seem like (and reading job reviews) an extremely rewarding job. I envision myself there, providing therapy once qualified and with experience. Someone said to me recently, āDoesnāt that require life experience?ā. Now I have moments to think... 1. you donāt know what Iāve been through and 2. of course everyone has their OWN life experience. 3. You gain experience by DOING. Working with a supervisor and organisation seems like a great way to gain ālife experienceā as a graduate. You cannot practice unless you have that holy-grail piece of paper FIRST!
Lastly, the current cluster outbreak in SA has risen my anxiousness. But, I am hopeful we will get through this! Letās finish this year with compassion, determination and quality time with people we care about ā„ļø
