A living thing without feelings

hopefully buried

[psycho-panic]

I let you ruin 2 birthdays.

I'll never turn 21 or 32 ever again...

[psycho-panic]

"This is a book for autographs in which my friends all sign. And if you will jot down your name it will suit me fine. Cause when I look back in later years and see this book of names I hope to see you all on ___ and every name with fame."

Francis Kelly (1920-1943)

My great uncle's opening page in his school year book. He joined the war effort during WWII. He was a waist gunner in a B-17 that was shot down somewhere over the western French countryside.

He wanted to be an aviator and maybe move to California to try and be a signer after the war.

He never got to make his dream come true. He was a real person. He lived, he loved. I wish I would've got to hear more stories about him.

[psycho-panic]

Sometimes when you're at your lowest. Your soul mentor sends you reminders to keep you going.

I need to read those words so badly.

[psycho-panic]

One day it'll happen.

[psycho-panic]

Its 2026

Gas is stupid expensive along with everything else.

People are being what was thought to be once cartoonishly evil out in the open.

You try not to bash your head into your desk as you try and use the AI agent that will at some point relatively soon take your job. You look at your phone to see dystopian level headlines but you dont know what is the truth and whats propaganda.

Your phone dings, its a discord message from a friend you've known since 5th grade. Asking if 8 pm works to meet with you and your other mutual friend since middle school. To discuss how you're all worried about your other mutual friend from high schools quick self isolation into a romantic relationship.

You think about if another one of your friends will be safe leaving for her honeymoon in August or if shell be kidnapped by the government.

[psycho-panic]

Picture this:

You are 15 year old Rose. You are emaciated to shit because you think your fat after losing 25 pounds because you had undiagnosed c.diff for 2 weeks. You're depressed as shit because your dad is crazy/sick and was just put into a nursing home. You get on the smelly cold school bus. This is the type of music you're BLARING through your earbuds at fucking 7 AM! Girl this was not helping the situation.

[psycho-panic]

Idk if 2025 for me was truly as good of a year as I thought it was due to just chance?

Or is it because I found out I have endometriosis and had lesions remove and I'm finally not constantly tired for the first time in 19 years?

[psycho-panic]

Im never fully sure of when to leave well enough alone.

Do i settle?

Do i advocate even if it leads to potential disolvement? Will i have to fall and rise again?

Am I still strong enough to get back up again?

[psycho-panic]

Welp, almost made it today lets try again tomorrow i guess.

[psycho-panic]

Come by the hills to the land where fancy is free

[cinematapestry]

Moonrise Kingdom (2012) dir. Wes Anderson

[psycho-panic]

I am different in a lot of ways.

But in other ways I am exactly the same as I once was.

[psycho-panic]

Wish my dad didn’t die when I was 17 so I could know what unconditional love from a man feels like in adulthood.

[vampvice]

Teenage Angst by Placebo

[psycho-panic]

Idk if I’ll ever get over saying goodbye to people who are still alive

[psycho-panic]

Found this picture of my great uncle and I. He taught me how to play blackjack at 5. We could’ve taken Vegas by storm if he were younger or I was older. Since my grandpa died before I was born he filled in that role. He was in the navy and fought for this country. One he wouldn’t even recognize today.

[cinematapestry]

“Violence makes violence.”

-A Clockwork Orange (1971) dir. Stanley Kubrick