Robert Koštić II

À Work in Progress

[psychologicalphilosopher]

I've recently learned how common it can be for neurosivergent folk to process trauma emotions slower than those that are neurotypical, and I feel as though I have recently developed a great deal of clarity in regards to my previous relationship.

I understand and empathize that it was a difficult time for her, but her recent decision to prevent me from contacting my daughter Hazel has severely affected my mental health and I feel as though I need to tell my own story.

She expressed her own mental health struggle, and I suggested that she could reduce the contact we were having. But to offer a metaphor, it seems as though I offered an inch and she's taken a mile.

Nonetheless, here is the timeline of events that led to my abandonment:

2019: She moves back to NZ, I visit three times throughout the year and Hazel is born in late October - we spend December together as a family for the first time and enjoy a nice Christmas and New year's together before I have to go back to Australia.

February 2020: Neusa is diagnosed with leukemia.

March 2020: COVID causes international border closures and I am separated from her and my daughter Hazel with no indication of when we would be able to see each other again.

September 2020: emotions had been running high and she decides to end our relationship on my birthday.. 🎉

End of 2020 and throughout 2021 & 2022: Hazel and I video call every week to maintain contact.

2023: The borders open up, I am able to travel again and I visit twice as we increase our video messages to once a day.

Early November 2023: After arriving back from my visit to celebrate Hazel's birthday, I suggest that we try to work out how they can bring Hazel to visit her family in Australia but she expresses her struggles and we decide to reduce contact to allow her some time to process.

December 2023, all my Christmas messages are ignored causing me great sadness and concern for the future.

I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve this. All I know is that it is completely unreasonable at this point and my daughter will have her father in her life one way or another.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

You once told me, "If you're boiling water in a pot without a cover, you're just wasting time and energy, and frankly you're a bit of an idiot".

Any yes, after all this time, I still remember all the little moments that made me fall so deeply in love with you.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

So, I don't mind if y'all call me petty, because it's just too much fun, but I have this super mentally unstable baby mama who maintains contact with me in order for our daughter to have a father figure in her life but I am still crazy in love with this bitch and I get a kick out of sending her photos and videos of how happy me and my other daughter are with our single parenting situation. Both out of pure spite and because we truly are so, so happy. I've definitely found my happy place 😂

[psychologicalphilosopher]

Three years post-breakup and every little thing still cuts as deep as it ever did. I don't know what to do anymore.

I've tried dating again, I've tried psychiatric help, I've tried meds and I'm just exhausted.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

I'm really excited to tell an old friend that I'll be going to a Warpaint concert in a few weeks, she introduced them to me many years ago and it's a time that I'll never forget for so many reasons.

I know I can't tell her though, so I'm writing it here, and I really hope that she is doing wonderful things and living her life the way she wants to.

I miss her terribly, but I'll always have my memories to cherish and I'll be dedicating my presence at that set to her.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

You may never want me again, but I made the decision to choose you and now more than ever I can see why.

I can't just stop loving you. You don't have to do a thing, but I'd rather wait forever than to pretend to be happy with someone else. Just a day with you again would be better than a whole life with anyone else.

I'm finally happy again, so I'm happy to continue like this, but only one thing in this whole world could make me any more happier.

Your love.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

I still foolishly sniff the old shirt you left me all those years ago just to try and remember your scent to help bring me out of the anxiety that I just can't seem to shake.

It never works, but I think I'll try forever.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

For a moment tonight, I really missed you. I felt a sudden anxiety and an undeniable longing for your presence, or simply just your eyes to again gaze upon me.

But in that moment I had to remind myself that only I am responsible for my own happiness.

For as long as I will love you, and only you, in a romantic sense, I could still remind myself that my life is filled with beautiful things and wonderful people who actually want to be in my life.

I could remind myself that I am incredibly blessed and privileged in countless ways.

I am stronger now than I've ever been, and I truly am happier now.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

One day I will have the courage to tell you this, and not be afraid of your response.

I miss you more than I ever thought possible.

You are, and have always been, everything I've looked for in a partner.

You would challenge me with respect. We had our ups and downs, but just talking with you made me happier than I've ever felt before. We didn't get a lot of time to be physically together, but every moment we were felt so right. Not once did it ever cross my mind that I might one day get bored of you.

You took a chance on me. You introduced me to those within your innermost circle. You weren't ashamed to talk about me, even at the risk of judgement due to our morally questionable inception. You gave into your feelings for a chance at a fairytale life, but in this circumstance, our fairytale could truly have been real because it really did take no effort. We were naturally compatible.

You were willing to change your life for me. You fought for me. You gave everything for our family until it broke you. Until I broke you.

But, you deserve to be fought for.

One day I will have a plan that will bring our family together again at last. A plan that will lay no expectation upon you.

You deserve to be loved, and nobody will ever love you as fiercely as I do.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

لن نقول أبدًا ، حتى لو تحدثنا طوال اليوم ، الأشياء الموجودة حقًا في صدرنا.

(We will never say, even if we talk all day, the things that are really on our chest.)

لكن ربما يكون الأمر سيئًا ، لأنك أفضل ما لدي على الإطلاق.

(But maybe it's bad, because you're the best I've ever had.)

لكن في بعض الأحيان يتم وضع العشاق في راحة.

(But sometimes lovers are put to rest.)

لا. لن أذهب للانتظار. كل شيء قليل, لا يمكن أن تكون دائما جيدة.

(No. I'm not going to wait. Every little thing, It can't always be good.)

لكني دعوتك لغزو العالم مرة أخرى.

(But I invite you to conquer the world again.)

لا تبدأ الحرب.

(Not to start a war.)

🥀

[psychologicalphilosopher]

Saturn Returning - Angie McMahon

I just heard this beautifully modest mantra for self-love. It made me think deeply about my own life.

The time of Saturn returning allows the wisdom of our past to transform us into procurers of self-awareness, giving us the strength to be thankful every day. If we embrace the opportunity.

My first Saturn returning coincided with the period of conception and birth of my first born daughter. It was after a long period of enduring an abusive relationship and provided me with a legacy to be proud of. I gained the strength to move past my traumas, leave a bad relationship, and rediscover love in ways I never understood before. Thank you Cara.

This has been such a substantial and beautiful discovery for me. The universal forces of life always leads us to water, but it cannot make us drink. We must embrace every moment and trust our deepest feelings of intuition to guide us to a place where energy is in homeostasis, where we can finally stop yearning for more.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

Success or failure in the context of societal expectations does not make us any more or less worthy of feeling valued wherever we are within our lives.

People need to feel appreciated. We all need to feel seen, we all need to feel heard.

Slow down, take a breath, look at people in their eyes when you talk to them. Listen to what the have to say. Be present in every moment because time is the most valuable thing you can give to anyone.

It won't last forever.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

You always said that you weren't sure if you could ever move past the hurt that I have caused you in the past. These words gave me a mission, and from then on I dedicated my life to learning from my wrongdoings and becoming a better person, a better friend, better lover. Whatever you allowed me to be, I would be.

You were always unsure if you were a good mother because you didn't feel as though you loved one of your children as much as the other, because they constantly annoy the shit out of you, but this is exactly what makes you such an amazing mother. You sacrifice so much of yourself to caring for your children in spite of the fact that you have these feelings. This selfless devotion is proof enough that you are a wonderful mother, and I feel lucky every day that I was given the opportunity to help create this family.

Even if you decide to never let me back into your heart, you never left mine, and it beats for you more than ever. Until the day when I can hold you happily in my arms, until the day we finally achieve the family we always strived towards, even against adversity, I will never be truly happy. Nobody could ever take your place, no family could ever match the one that we could have.

I'm a dreamer, maybe, but I'm willing to wait forever, because you deserve to have someone fight for you.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

I cried three times today:

First was when I finally got to listen to the re-release of Taylor's song 'Snow on the Beach' with more Lana. It just hit me in a way I can't explain, and I in that moment longed for such a feeling of hope that the song exuberates. Also, hearing Lana's voice on the track in full clarity singing "my smile is like I won a contest, and to hide it would be so dishonest" just melted my heart. Ugh.

Second was when I picked up some compost bags from the council, and it reminded me of the early days of my first major breakup when I was finally able to organise my life in a way that gave me a sense of great comfort. It was a strangely empowering moment, and it just took me back.

Third was when I got to see a video of my daughter wishing me a good night, but then watching my reply video take ages to upload, realising that it would take too long and she wouldn't see it for the night just triggered me into a bit of a spiral and I couldn't take my mind away from my feelings of discontent.

I'm a mess. Ughhhhhhh

[psychologicalphilosopher]

One thing I've learnt over the years is that it truly is a long life, and if you can prevent fleeting emotions from dictating it's trajectory, you will surely be blessed with many wonderful experiences to reflect upon. Never let anger or fear stop you from achieving anything, it will ultimately lead to regret. Take a breath, take one step at a time, lead with kindness, and never stop.

Regret is the biggest barrier to happiness, as it is something that can never go away or be resolved. Avoid it at all costs.

We don't realize it when we are young. We think that we have to rush everything, to keep up with everyone else's trajectory, and we think it will bring us happiness. But we all have different paths, we can never compare. Not un-foolishly anyway.

In the end, life is short only when we look back and wish things were different.

[psychologicalphilosopher]

Society truly is broken if one cannot simply age naturally, and gracefully, without negative judgement. Are we all so bored with our lives that we must endlessly compare ourselves and others to a standard that is a far stretch from reality for 99% of people?

[psychologicalphilosopher]

I remember when I was younger, I did work experience at a video store and all I wanted to do the whole time was stock the shelves and make sure all the videos were neat and in correct genre classification and alphabetical order. I remember the employee finding me one time sitting on the ground ordering a section of the store and they asked if I was ok and I felt confused and ashamed as though I was doing something wrong. But this was the way I knew how to help in the best way. I've always known I was different.