Queen of Disaster

i had a marvelous time ruining everything

[psychotichvt]

i need to leave

[psychotichvt]

x

[psychotichvt]

I hope you’re doing okay x

Thank you! I am not but! What else is new? 16 years of whinging on this site got me nowhere apparently lmao. We keep chugging along

[psychotichvt]

I know you're not here anymore but I just wanted to say I was thinking about all the Tumblr moots from days past and I hope you're doing well studying. Please give Theo and Blair a kiss from an old Tumblr girlie.

thank you! they are doing so well :) thank you for remembering. Lots has changed. I am now halfway through my course degree! weehee. I don't know who this is, but right back at ya (interms of well wishes and I am sure I'd remember your pets name if this wasn't anon :))

[psychotichvt]

i know its not fair all of this happened to me and im still stuck in this mindset as a nearly 30 year old and i can accept that what im now extra bitter about is i have to do this all on my own. i cannot accept or empathize with my peers who state theyre also suicidal and have such horrible lives when they are able to love and they have attachment and support systems to help them through this, i am utterly alone. and its such a childish feeling and thoughts to have and i understand that too, but i dont think anyone can actually understand the absolute crippling despair and hopelessness of being truly and utterly alone, despite what everyone else says and thinks. you do have people in your life and i am so so envious of that, and please dont say you relate to me because you dont and you wont and you never will, and i am just a bitter shell of a human who will never be able to clamber my way out of this fucking mess because i was raised to hate myself and not be able to love another and i havent become someone who is loveable either. oh well.

[psychotichvt]

i'm defeated

[psychotichvt]

You haven't posted for a while. How are you doing?

theres nothing on this site for me anymore lol

idk im in vet school trying to not off myself? im tired

[psychotichvt]

Congrats on getting in to vet school! You've talked about it for so long x

Thank you, only took me a decade lol

[psychotichvt]

i got into vet school yeehaw

[psychotichvt]

its my birthday and im not in hospo following a suicide attempt or at a funeral so a wins a win

[psychotichvt]

i hate that i got diagnosed with a slew of severe mental illnesses at 21 and didnt receive “proper” help until i was 25. i hate that this was after multiple suicide attempts. at my lowest weight that literally no one noticed. sh every day. i hate that the “proper” help i received ended up meaning nothing after 3 years and just adding to the pile of trauma. i hate that everything got so much worse and i didnt die in november which i shouldve. no one takes me seriously. its just for attention. never mind the months i put into planning my attempts. im lucky ig. or incredibly unintelligent. my psychiatrist balks at the mgs of pills i take and is surprised im alive. its sick and twisted. im expected to push on and go to vet school well knowing itll end up with an iv of pento. i’ll probably survive that too. i hate that its been over a decade of me on this website churning out the same textposts with the same themes. she said i never tried. i tried and gave all i had. its 100% effort when i am giving all the effort i have. you cant put parameters on mental health help and brush me off when i am literally screaming at you i am going to kill myself and then yell at me when i overdose. i thought i would be over this by now but guess not. 

[psychotichvt]

x

[psychotichvt]

Hey, I'm not gonna tell you not to kill yourself cos, yeah, you don't know who tf I am. But I'm thinking of you and I check your blog every so often. I know that means nothing but. Well. Selfishly I wanted to say it. Anyway tell me what music you've been listening to lately?

medically, i dont know how im alive. its just some sort of sick joke. every year i just accumulate trauma and i cant fix it, it just gets worse. i wish i could just die but for some unknown reason im immortal for now. dont waste energy on thinking about me, im a nobody.

very in my lana del rey era thank u for asking

[psychotichvt]

i tried to kill myself again in november. is this the 9th time? by all accounts i should be dead 3 times over. no one knows how im still here. i got fired in a cruel way by my therapist. my family ignores me. ive quit my job. i have no plans, no future. 10 years on, 15 years on, nearly 28 years on, its the same. crying and typing the same posts on tumblr. maybe if i slit my wrists deep enough that will work. my body cant defy that. 

[psychotichvt]

I hope you’re okay, I still think abt you even though I don’t think you want to hear from me.

this could be from multiple people and thats kinda sad

[psychotichvt]

x

[psychotichvt]

x