What the heck happened to PsyD or Bust?
Activity on this blog has been pretty spotty for a while now. I apologize. I feel like it’s time I let you guys know what’s been happening; partly because I think you deserve to know, partly as a way for me to therapeutically/publicly process, and partly as a way for my story to be a lesson for anyone willing to listen. I’m leaving out a lot of specifics, to still protect my anonymity and also to cover my ass. The story’s under the break.
I’d mentioned that I got my PsyD in 2015. I applied for and accepted a postdoc with a well-respected small private practice near my grad school. It was slightly out of my wheelhouse, but it was a specialized branch of psychology I wanted to pursue as a career. They had a relationship with my grad program, I knew friends who had worked as practicum students there. It seemed a perfect and serendipitous match.
I worked directly under a psychologist as his resident. There were a few other psychologists in the practice who each had their own postdoc resident and a handful of practicum students. Early on, I noticed some questionable practices. Nothing illegal, just kinda shitty. Morally gray. You think of corrupt business practice, and you envision big corporations, not psychologists.
Unfortunately, trying to bring up and fix these “problems” backfired. I mysteriously had less hours each week, even though the (unpaid) prac students were beyond overworked. I stayed around too long, hoping (naively) that it was just a coincidence and referrals would pick up, but pretty soon, I wasn’t making enough to pay my bills. And my relationship with my supervisor turned toxic, to the point where doing the “right” thing probably would’ve harmed my professional reputation. Even in psychology, who you know influences everything.
Eventually, I was squeezed out. I probably could’ve fought them, but I had no money and no power. Any possible avenue of justice was a uphill battle that I didn’t have the resources or courage to fight. I chose survival.
By the time I quit, I’d exhausted any savings I had. Couldn’t pay rent, so I lost my home. Couldn’t pay off any of my bills, so my pristine credit score tanked and I went into tremendous debt that I’m still fighting against even today. Couldn’t find a job in my field, to the point where I scrubbed any reference to my postdoc from my resume because I’m pretty sure they were sabotaging me. Luckily I had some friends in the area so I was able to couch surf for a few months, and get referred to a job in a different field.
Two years later, I’m still woefully underemployed, pursuing advancement. But I am choosing to not return to clinical work. Maybe its burnout or just getting burned too badly, but it’s the choice I’ve made for now. I don’t mean for this to scare anyone away who might be thinking about grad school. I’m still very thankful for my education and training. Even though I’m not doing therapy, I don’t feel like my graduate work was wasted. It’s shaped me into who I am. But sometimes things go wrong. People are shitty. Your path diverges in ways that don’t make sense. You still have to walk forward, even if you can only take one step at a time.
I just wanted to give a bit of insight into where I’ve been and why I’ve been less active lately. I’m keeping PsyD or Bust open for business, and my hope is to start making regular posts again in the near future, because I still love psychology and this little community (though the motivation and inspiration are a little low tbh). As always, my ask box is open.
