Every Burning Star

\\poetry, prose, excerpts// spilling thoughts archived here.

[puddingemperor]

1/15/23

If I could take away some of your sadness, I'll hold your hand and absorb it. If I could give you all the hope that I'm feeling, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that's all I have when you left. The what ifs, if only I could, should haves. And people only realize it's serious when it's done. When none is left but memories. And the season to which they mourn is shorter than when you did, in everyday of your life. Many will say that's how it is. There will be blame, regret, and longing. You must've thought about it for a long time, held back for a long time, and finally found an end to the labyrinth of thoughts. I'm not happy. But I am oddly at peace. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

11/29/22

I'm sorry. I'm too cowardly for love. Only the brave could persevere its end, until the exit of the labyrinth. I'm too cowardly for rejection, I'm too cowardly for abandonment, I can't, but I am. I say I am always brave to try again, but the cloud of thought of impossible hangs biggest in my mind, occupying, fogging out my courage to permit you to stay. I say I have always been in love, but the route I took was the universal emotion that was easiest to give and take. I say it's okay, but shelves of novel-thick excuses make it's way, in a row with an unseen end, hoping I would read them one by one, it is tiring. I say I could never give up, but the mere idea of someone stepping beyond the lines of my comfortable sends a wave of cold air from head to toe, I shiver. I shiver at the thought of someone taking a step closer than an arm's length. What I say and do, what I think and happens, an irony, paradox, ambiguous decisions, in this labyrinth of thoughts, I wish to escape. I know the answer, yet I cannot swallow it. When directions point only one way, I hesitate. I see only one sign, then they multiply, and I am Alice, lost, in pursuit of the thing I'm most curious of. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

11/28/22

I'm easy going ~ It means I'm going with the flow ~ I easily go ~ I'm easily let go, easily forgotten Like the momentary breeze that was lukewarm You can't come in, and cannot even peek It's a brush of a hand that left nothing Even the sensation was like a mirage So you tell yourself it wasn't worth it It's like that to the mundane, to the usual and the norm But curious eyes, I love to feed them To be warm or cold is a decision I can play with The more I love you, the more I will let you see I'll let you take a peek, to my covered warmth, my hidden coldness I'm more than easy going, but I'm easy going mostly So when you say you do not know me, That means you didn't try. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

11/--/22

There were times when I chose to hear the truth despite it being hurtful. I assumed I needed to hear it because it is the right thing to do. But there are times we'd rather cover our ears to protect ourselves, especially when the right thing to do and the truth are two different things, mixing together like a bloody command. You question the truth you know. Was the command for war needed? In the break of dawn from your light sleep, an explosion happens, the enemy attacks. You'd rather go back to a sweet slumber, a lucid taste of sweet victory almost within your reach. But you can't. Once you let your guard down, you lose. Even in their absence, you tiptoe, wary of traps. You would always want to be prepared. A decision to be hurt or to protect. To whether let the swords slit through your vulnerable skin and destroy you or pick up your shield and push forward. But protecting is seen as rebellion, when it's only a weighing of truth. The commander does not see the lives they have put to risk, whatever the means, only winning is worthy. Is it so wrong to stop getting hurt, to stop the slashing of skin and gritting of teeth? Once again, I fight the battle I didn't wage. A war I didn't create but ended up conquering. You can't run away. Nobody likes a runaway soldier. In the end there will be peace and freedom. I see the new dawn, not just in my dreams. I see it coming for me, certain, like it was mine all along. I'll pick up my shield today. I'm ready for battle. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

6/17/22

There will be bad days. When those days come, like a thief in an unguarded night, let's make each other's arms the nests where we recollect ourselves. Let's be each other's secret garden, where we put off the whole world for a moment, and stop the time when everything seems too much. I will be your oasis, as you are mine. Not a mirage of miracle but a certain place of saving and rest. When you want to be with yourself, I'll always be there when you decide to show yourself again. I'll be beside you, even in your comforting silence. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

I decided to stop writing my dreams down. That mere nonsense is still nonsense in reality. Only I thought that my nonsense weren't nonsense in my reality. It is mine after all. I was told that the best way to live was from a routine. Of facing things you least like. Of having money for the rest of your life. Of being able to meet people. Success, as they say. I pondered for a long time, maybe half the years I've lived and every time, I rest in the thought that self-awareness was the greatest gift and a constant success I've been living. Of wanting to grow. Of wanting to help and do things for the greater good. Of being a mediator and healer. Of being able to find happiness and beauty in any place or thing. Of being able to see things with love and compassion. Of being able to still see the world as beautiful. The world is still beautiful. When you keep growing as a child of God, when you still see the world with kindness and awareness, greed becomes weak in the face of love. I have more than enough. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

10/9/21

I wonder what the boxes kept under your bed, in the storage basement or in your attics, protect. I wonder how heavy of fond memories will it be, maybe when I open the tops the whole room will be painted with an orange tinged atmosphere of the past. And all the dust bunnies that took homes into those things, fly into the corners and wait for you to leave. Would there be an old scrabble board still abundant of it's wooden tiles? And a small dictionary with it? Would there be a classic book of adventures to treasure island or to wonderland? I'd like to explore your story. Would there be old tapestries hand printed by artists of their time? phonograph discs to music that wasn't finished or your grandmother singing her heart out? A cassette of an old wedding perhaps? First birthday? I bet those photographs had some circle stains in them, from moisture and time made it dull. Although your family's smile will still be visible, surely Aunt Tina's dress was pink and not red that day. I'm curious what else could be there. Would there be old shoes you really loved back then? Or a toy you wouldn't be able to sleep without? Do you still have your first train ticket, tucked between your favorite travel book, wondering why you were so nervous when you bought it at the station? I hope you remind yourself that you have lived a good life. Did you play with marbles? Cards? Monopoly? Do you still have those Russian dolls? A Japanese doll? Like the ones wearing a kimono that looked really scary when you passed by the living to pee at night. Those game nights, the summers when you slept at grandma's home in the province. The moments spent inside your own fort made with blankets. I hope you grew up well. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

__Why is brokenness always attached to being unbeautiful? Like being flawed and broken is the ugliest thing one could be. _True, true. I wonder why? __Why is it that the most loved are also the most used and are more broken? _That is maybe because you can't break a thing that you don't use. __True, true. Though why is it that things that aren't whole, we don't choose? Is completion important for loving? _I guess it is. I wouldn't buy a pillow with no fillings in it. Would you? __I would. If I had fillings to fill it. If I didn't, I wouldn't. _True, true.

[puddingemperor]

10/9/21

I'm always too much in the beginning. Always too strong. Like the ignition of a rocket who failed to touch the sky. Always punch a strong entrance to only gradually decrease in attacks. I come in shining, and leave dull. Like my introversion is my way of life, and people suck their expectations out of me like vampires. Until there was no more, only disappointment. Living like an anemic person thirsty for productivity. I crave to create and I can't. And if poetry makes me breathe, I am still alive. Despite the irony of being drawn to writing but equipped with false hands. Of devouring countless stories but not able to tell. Of constantly overthinking but not able to use ideas to create. I am still breathing. I still have poetry. I will not give up. Despite every worst scenario I can come up, despite and in spite of every flaw imaginable, my sun shall outshine my sun spots. —Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

10/9/21

Sometimes, having people to believe in you, that you can do everything you set yourself towards, makes us gain unbelievable strength we didn't know we had. Just from mere support, we can do most things we deemed as impossible before. Kind words make us grow. Shower it to others, and it will come back like an echo of your kindness. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

9/17/21

People will not be there in your common days, especially your lows. There are people that will only reply when you have good news for yourself, a blessing they may benefit from. Like a notification they can’t help checking. Clicking and commenting, words you always needed to hear but were too late. People who didn’t accept you in your worst, are the people who don’t deserve your best. You’re worth more than those half-interest. Focus on those who chose to stay, in spite and despite of status, or money. A hundred percent interest, care and love, goes beyond the physical. —Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

9/16/21

I love you like old photographs. Like rust tinted prints of people smiling over food and good times. I love you like a memory. A journal I’ve written a million times, not down but inside my mind. Etched between the lines of certain, inked beautifully like a good decision. I love you like the contradicting feeling of folding my cards or all in. The confidence I get from your words is a full house of kept promises. The momentary flash of your glances, makes me fold. I love you like the future. Like days I’ll fill up with moments that make me feel warm and sleepy. As hopeful and as sure as tomorrows. I love you like today. A passing moment I hope to always make the best of. Like nothing is as important as now. I love you like all of my then, now, and will be. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

9/16/21

Pain is a risk we take, a condition of existence. I’m not saying you have to experience it in order to have found happiness. I’m saying that there are things we have no control over. That there are things that come and go to experience and learn from. There are things that come, but we have no idea how to handle it. It is the very condition of life. The risk of pain when you seek happiness. The risk of getting hurt from finding love. The risk of getting lost when trying to discover yourself. Risks. It is not a set in stone experience that one must go through. For it is only by things we have no control over that we may fall. Pain is not a requirement for happiness. It is not compulsory to enter the program. Be happy, WHEN you can. There are things that aren’t sure, no matter how much we have control over things. In the end, everything is a probability. So be bold, be stubborn, when seeking your truth. All experiences are a chance to learn after all. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

9/16/21

I am that absent friend. I am that one friend who cuts off the world and be with myself too much that the world has moved on without me. When I go back home, time stops for me and then I dive through worlds I wish I'll never get out of. But to the people I had said "see you later" to, had been living, moving, and changing, into people that had grown apart from me. When I go and see the world, it feels the same to me, but my favorite people had journeys they have finished, met new friends, and felt new emotions. Their memories of me have been overtaken by those new adventures and the excitement of the old times diminishes. And it's weird to feel differently. It's weird when you're stuck in a certain emotion towards people. I always remember the good times, I always remember the small gestures I felt thankful for. I always remember that I love this person. "Here I am, coming out of my shell, I hope your emotion for me remains the same." Am I being selfish for wanting to be with myself for too long that I have let my friends feel lonely? I think so. It guilts me how I can't be there for myself and it guilts me more how I can't be there for my favorite people. It's no one's fault. This is just me, wanting to give love I always wanted my friends to feel and how I feel irresponsible for that emotion I had said I felt. I felt irresponsible when I said I love you. I'm so sorry. Even when I always believed that Love was an investment of time and an act of choosing. I guess I can't always have the perfect balance. Please don't push me away when I try to love you again. I always did, even when I was with myself. Know that I still see you, despite not being able to communicate often. I see you in my worlds and realities. I see you in things, flowers, movies, and songs. I often think of you and always love you. Although my words and presence lack at times, I'm still trying to figure out how to let you take a peek into my mind and how I really feel.

[puddingemperor]

9/10/21

It’s possible to have done your best and still lose. It’s the process that made you gain amidst the battle. The lessons, the experience, how you persevere. You learn so much about yourself that the next time you battle will be smooth as sailing in the calm seas. Losing now is a preparation for your success later. Next time you win, tell yourself thank you. For always trying, for having faith. Everything will fall into place. You will receive, the moment you are ready for the gift. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

9/6/21

People don't change. We can’t change since we can't unlearn all the things we learned. All the memories and experiences, we can't detach it from our identity. It is a part of us that we can only learn to accept and grow from. People grow. Forward, from a destructive self, from a bad memory. We grow. It is a process of accepting and using the past as a weapon. The moment the past doesn't hinder you as a person, is the moment you will be free. People don't change, we grow. I pray you discover your healing superpowers. — Pudding Emperor

[puddingemperor]

9/6/21

She always chased sunsets. Like she was drawn to goodbyes. Like it has always been beautiful that things happen. Like it has always been beautiful that she makes wonderful memories under the rose quartz clouds and serenity sky. Like it was a memory on a verge of ending but you refused to let go, so you run after it like a stretched farewell. She looked at the heavens and smiled. "I will run after you. I will always see you happen and take place. You're amazing, I’m thankful. Take one of my smiles with you." — Pudding Emperor