It's very complicated..

I'm approuching my last few months as a teenager, which is terrifying believe me! This blog has helped me grow and learn as a woman who struggles with being comfortable with the disorders I have... But I'm still breathing, I'm still smiling, and most importantly. I'm still trying. ..

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Don't take life for granted

Don't take life for granted

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Life is better when you have your best friend in the driving seat 🖤

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She's all grown up & still depressed, so I guess life is all one big fuck you 🤷

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Having hair is nice, but it's knowing it's for a limited amount of time sucks...

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Trichotillomania is something I will always have to live with, but at least I'm winning my internal battle

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I just need to talk to nobody

Right now I'm at this stage in my life whereby I'm working a full time job in a career that I'm passionate about, and I'm living with my boyfriend of 9 months in our small but cosy flat. On paper everything is beautiful, we have pets, companionship in each other... our jobs. But I'm really not happy. I thought that by doing this with him it would make me feel really happy because although I'm working so much I'm working for us and our life that we're building together. Although it feels right now as though he doesn't feel the same way as I do anymore. I want to be in a physical relationship, I'm 21 I have needs sexually and I figured my boyfriend would be able to provide that without a hitch. But truthfully my sex life is in the toilet. He has expressed that he doesn't want a physical relationship because he says it makes him anxious... but I'm 21... I can't spend the rest of my life not having sex! I'm working so hard and I'm trying with this relationship I really am but I'm so desperate for some attention from my partner that I literally spend hundreds on outfits etc... to try to turn him on. Nothing works. I don't understand how he can tell me it has nothing to do with me... is it fair for him to tell me he loves me yet refuse to touch me ? I've given up touching him because it results in him pushing me off of him and it makes me feel like dirt. I don't feel attractive anymore because my boyfriend won't touch me. Yet he tells me I'm selfish for thinking of myself. I can't win. I feel as though I'm going to reach a point whereby I just feel too fed up to continue, but truthfully it's not that simple. I am totally in love with this man, and as much as I would like to I can't undo these feelings. It's like I'm obsessed with him, I miss him when I'm at work and even when we're together I panick because I know he's leaving at some point... I feel like I'm going crazy I don't know why I'm so ridiculously clingy with him. I just want to spend every day with him and he very clearly gets frustrated which I can understand. But it hurts me when he tells me he hasn't his own life and he needs space... because I don't have my own life, and I consider us to have a shared life now as my partner but I know that perhaps I'm wrong in assuming or expecting this. When I lay next to him at night in bed and he doesn't want to touch me it makes me feel void of emotions. It's as though I'm just a part of the furniture right now. And perhaps all I'm good for is the money I provide to pay for our flat. But I know that he says he loves me everyday... he just hasn't shown me any real love for a long time... and the memory of him pushing me off of him and telling me he doesn't want me is haunting me every day and making me feel as though I'm a disgusting person. I love him too much is the problem, and as per usual my over bearing clingyness will most likely result in heartbreak.

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Life is really shitty

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Damaged

So... When I was 18 I dated this guy who was a drummer in my brother's band. I had never had a boyfriend before I meet him and I wasn't sure what I was doing. He treated me badly, put his hands on me and made me feel like it was my fault that he did this to me. After three months of being in a physical relationship with this guy I suffered a miscarriage, which was one of the worst days of my life. Skip forward a year, 19 and fed up of being single and alone I began to search for someone to give me a loving relationship that I'd always craved. I met a guy who ticked all of the boxes looks wise, but deep down I always knew I didn't feel that I was pretty enough for him. Turns out I was right. That relationship was also physical and throughout I did not use condoms and did not have the pill etc... We used the pull out method which was effective. But I couldn't stop myself from thinking maybe I would get pregnant.. and that I'd be okay with that because I was tired of feeling hollow from the loss of a child I didn't realise I wanted. He cheated on me and dumped me a week before I had surgery. And now I'm here. 20, living with my boyfriend of six months and totally in love with him. And I know that one day I would love to have a baby with this man and finally fill that void that has lived within me for the past two years, and will until I have a child.. But he doesn't ever want to have children. And he has told me repeatedly that he will never want to have kids. And so now I'm living a life of knowing I will probably have this awful void within me for the rest of my life and feel that pain forever. My dreams it appears do not matter. I am not allowed to have the happily ever after I've always wanted. I'm trapped being in love with my soulmate but knowing that he will never want what I want. I have to watch the people around me have children and grow in a way I never will. I'm in love and I'm heartbroken.. That's just my life I guess.

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Representing for the curvy girls ;) 

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I fucking love this man <3

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So it took me a few heartbreaks... But I’m so so SO happy to say I’ve finally found my soulmate!  This man has given my life so much more meaning than I ever knew possible and I honestly love him with all of my heart, I’d be lost without his kind smile and loving arms to hold me and keep me strong.  I’m not really a girl of faith, but I do believe that something out there put me and him on this earth for each other, he is just my everything.  A lot of people who I’ve been close to in my life have turned their backs on me due to meeting this man, and falling in love has caused me to lose people I really didn’t want to... But sadly when you meet the person you fall in love with you enter this bubble, and it’s as if everything else fades away and all you can think about is that person you’re in love with.  I hope that the people who have turned away from me in frustration at my lack of communication with them feel the way that I feel one day to understand how amazing it feels.  I know in my heart I’m going to marry this man one day, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life building our adventures and taking on the world together despite our anxieties, we’re a team :)  Thank you all so so much for being there for me in the years that I have relied on you and vented, and to the friends who have turned away from me just know that my arms are always open to you, and I’m happy to embrace you again should you want that of me.  - Becky! <3 

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I have no idea what’s happening

But I’ve met someone...  and it’s like magic I don’t think I’ve ever connected as strongly to another human in my life and I hope to God this continues because I’ve not been this happy in such a long time...  - Beckie 

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No

That was not a good date  Was he nice? Yes  Was he talkative? Yes  Did he offer to pay and refuse me helping to pay? Yes  HOWEVER Did we have chemistry? No...  Did I find him attractive? No...  Do I want to see him again? No...  I’m sure people will judge me for this and say, ‘you can’t have everything, he was a gentleman and nice to you but not good enough you’ll never be happy etc etc’.  Let me say this;  Just because a guy pays for you (which he doesn’t have to) and is pleasant to talk to and nice, does not mean you are entitled to see them again  yes, he was a nice person, yes, i’d see him again on a friendly basis  But I am not going to subject myself to dating someone and messing them around when I know full well I didn’t find them sexually attractive or feel as though we had any sparks or chemistry Life is too short to be unhappy for the sake of others  - Becky 

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eat it trich full fucking eyebrows  this is me without any make-up... I’m going to do a big post about my recovery soon! 

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I have another date on Friday

But I feel like all these dates are meaningless... Being cheated on really fucks up the ability to feel attractive, I just keep feeling like people are only interested because I have that whole desperate vibe going... and then as soon as they realise what a nut case I am they don’t want me because I’m too hard work :/  I don’t feel beautiful or like I’m something to be valued.. I just feel horrible :/