letting go and loving you.
i have had this crush on this boy, X, who likes on my close friend, G, who is involved with someone else (not important enough to have a letter) at the moment. talk about a love triangle. i get jealous because X and G are friends and because X likes G, he wants to spend a lot of time with G and obviously that makes me jealous because I want X to want to spend time with me and Iâm just a possessive person so I donât want G to replace me with X. However, none of this has anything to do with what I need to say. i have recently, despite my more recent setback due to lack of time, started to work out. Every time I felt inadequate and unloved I would run to the gym and run, because I only really know how to use the treadmill. I would run because I thought that if I was hotter, skinnier, or whatever, this guy would be into me. But is that what I want. Someone who only wants me if I look a certain way. The root of the issue is that I donât love myself. Like, I donât think Iâm attractive at all. Iâm not saying there arenât timers I look in the mirror and say I look good but if I came across my own tinder profile, I would probably swipe left immediately. I am positive that my feeling of insecurity is repelling. Not that people who are insecure, donât ever date but for me personally it hasnât happened for me because I need to work on myself intensively before I be with anyone else.
I never had a mutual liking between someone. Meaning thereâs never been someone Iâve liked who has liked me back. And I âfixateâ, for lack of a better word, on straight guys because I know that ultimately nothing will ever come of it. When it comes to dudes who like dudes Iâm paralyzed with fear.
Being in my freshman year of college, so many people in my class are getting into relationships or hooking up or somewhere in between. I just wonder what is wrong with me that nothing has come up for me. And I donât want the first person I date to be in my late 20âs and the person I marry. I want to experience love and heartbreak many times. I want to know what it feels like to emotionally, physically, romantically, and mentally connect with someone else. Although Iâm not really the hookup type, I wouldnât be against that either. It just seems to come so easy to others but itâs none existent for me.
I will continue to wonder, why it just has happened for me yet and assume that Iâm just not ready yet. But i do want to want affection and romantic and sexual attention. Whether from X or someone else, I do want that. However, for the sake of the safety of my heart, I want to learn to love myself before that happens. Love myself as I am but change and better whatever about me Iâm not happy with. I want to get to a point where hearing X talk about how he hung out with G doesnât evoke an ill feeling towards either of them. Because if itâs not meant to be, it wonât be.
