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Spank Me, Silly

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Cher Diary,

What kind of times do we live in? Mon Dieu, this ridiculous Tide Pod challenge! If these people want to put something in their mouths, then Madame has far safer (and sexier) things, like Candiland Weekend Affaire Kit or Banana Flavored Condoms (how appropriate!).

My girl, Stormy D, is kicking up quite the fuss lately. Madame remembers an emergency conversation with her years ago about an affaire de Coeur. Although she declined to kiss and tell, Stormy wanted advice regarding some of her amour’s needs. (She referred to him as The Dim Bulb) He wanted humiliation, she said. “Show him a mirror,” I told her. But that was not la réponse ; she’d tried it and he’d spent 45 minutes gazing at himself and tweeting about it. He needed a spanking, said La Tempête. I could hear him snorting in the background, so like a bull. I asked if she had the Heart Beat Crop on hand. Mais non, she said. And she did not want to spank him bare-handed. I don’t blame her. She finally beat him with a copy of Vanity Fair and beat him like an old bulldog that had made le pee-pee on the bed.

Not for a billion dollars would Madame spank, let alone touch, Le Dim Bulb. Unlike Madame, many people are saying he does not practice le sexe sécurisé. For all his conquests know, he is a petri dish of maladies vénériennes, many people are saying.

Je suis hereuse avec Marcel, Jean-Jacques (my naughty boy. He wears Spank Me Man Panties under his Zegna suits), and Ian. Le Dim Bulb has not hope of breaching the walls of Madame’s castle.

�s��Ё��

#Stormy D #spank #Dim Bulb

In Which Madame Nearly Loses Ian

Bonjour, mes chéris ! Madame Monique is so happy to see you again !

How are things? How’s your sex life?

Por moi, I narrowly avoided une tragédie avec ma chere Ian, mon big bad lad in plaid. Listen and learn. Ian, 26 years old, built like Hadrian’s Wall, and he keeps the Loch Ness Monster under his kilt. We were “watching” le football last Saturday, and Ian was about to score a touchdown on Madame when he began coughing and wheezing. I urged him on. “More, more, mon amour!” I cried. He thrust one more time and collapsed on moi without his usual shout of “For God! For Scotland!” as he experiences le petit mort.

I rolled him over crying, “Mon amour! Mon petit chou!” but he didn’t respond. I gently slapped his face, “Ian! Love! Ian! Ian fer chrissakes, what’s wrong?” (Madame forgets herself from time to time) And called 911. My beautiful Ian, it seems, is allergic to latex. We are passionate lovers, but also practice le sexe sécurisé. The Loch Ness Monster had been wearing a latex raincoat. Pas plus, never more.

What is one to do ?

Polyurethane, mes chéris ! Not only does it not trigger the latex allergies, but it also conducts the body heat better, feels more intimate than latex. Madame has tested and Madame approves, Purple Bootz carries Trojan Supra polyurethane Trojan Supra Polyurethane

And, mes amies, should you wish to research this more, here is a link to a discussion of the pros and cons from Columbia University:

Go Ask Alice

Madame has not tried le polyisoprene or nitrile yet, so has no opinion.

#latexallergypolyurethane. condomsex health

Welcome to Purple Bootz

Bonjour mes chéris ! Je m’appelle Monique DeSoto, votre guide et le patron sur Purple Bootz. u m'obéiras toujours, mes petits singes d'amour…

I beg your pardon. Not all of us parle le Francais.

I am Monique DeSoto and welcome to my domain, Purple Bootz. A place for les dames to browse for themselves (vibrators), a friend (shared toys), a few friends (lubes), badly behaving friends (paddles and floggers), movie role play (we have the complete Fifity Shades line of products), entertainers (stripper poles !), or brides to be (bachelorette).

Monique knows love. And satisfaction, for which she has Marcel. And Jean-Jacques when Marcel is too tired (Monique does that). Or Ian when she’s feeling “ginger” (you should see what’s under his kilt. Oooh la la!) Ladies should always, always have beautiful young men at their beck and call. Or at their feet (we have collars and leashes).

However, there are times when Madame wants her petit mort (or big finish) but without les beaux hommes. Lent, for example, where one must give up something for forty days. While remaining technically celibate, Madame Monique would surely explode without a little explosion (which is far better for sleep than a pill). At those times, I turn to a Rabbit, Advanced Waterproof Jack Rabbit. Powerful, hygienic, gets the job done and doesn’t complain about it being “his turn.” (That sort of sass requires punishment, but that’s a different column). And, should one be so hungover on l’amour that she forgets to put the Rabbit back in the nightstand and it goes through the wash with the sheets, like Gloria Gaynor, it will survive.

I tell you what, my little love monkeys, if you log in and go shop, Madame Monique will give you 10% off of your order! Just use code PB10 at checkout et voila, 10% off your purchase. (Madame not only knows the satisfaction of good love, she also knows a good deal).

That’s it for now, my darlings. Feel free to email Madame with your questions.

You’ll be happy you came. (wink wink)

#purplebootz jackrabbit orgasm

Being naughty feels so nice.

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