NOTE: I wrote the majority of this a few weeks ago, just editing it]
I just laugh at the bullshit 🤣 I have posted on this blog and it will be half my luck it is someone I certainly can not be this version of will stumble here without much, if any context, yet at the same time I find I have accepted It will always just be me in my own little world 🌎. More often than not, I find comfort in the solitude anyway. I get lonely at times, but I don't understand the absolute need to love another person. I just think we float around like energy in and out of each other's orbits.
Let this [blog] also provide you a nicely detailed reality of what extensive post-traumatic stress (years of childhood abuse and then on blah blah, boring) plays out like in my head (with a sprinkle here and there of reflections on 30+ years of living/experiences).
My parents never taught me boundaries, I never learned about the real world, and I was shamed for having a sexuality. I don't think I ever will trust myself to date, but I really don't want to. I seem to struggle to develop genuine feelings for the opposite sex. I wouldn't identify as lesbian because I still find myself attracted to and enjoy having sex with men (well, quite seldomly; but not completely absent either). Perhaps it's why I find I have found myself easily trauma-bonded with men of sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies. When it's good, it is very fun, thrilling, like being on a roller-coaster with all that delicious dopamine hitting your brain 🧠 😋 and firing up that euphoria. The sex usually is amazing because we both are emotionally absent and detached and try to "portray" love through the twisted games; I'm usually the one getting royally fucked by this in the end. Empathy can both be an amazing tool for survival (that gut feeling you're in danger), but also it can make you get sucked into being the hurt one when you both walk away from the absolute shit fight of a relationship it was. Although the last relationship I had was, without a doubt, the worst I have ever endured. You imagine coercive control (I'm the victim), being gaslit and made to feel so ugly, unattractive and unwanted (to be fair he is gay and just fucking with women to access their children; ALLEGELY. I don't have money to get sued). I am paying the price for calling him out over and over again. I should of walked away. I don't owe anyone a thing to warn them about him. All it ends up is in a smear campaign that gets believed because I simply cannot be fucked to play that game with him. Your friends suck anyway so I wasn't all that worried about this time around.
He's leaked my nudes, hacked all my devices to the point of having my imei and letting all my information be public, not to mention I know now he has been monitoring me a long long time in comparison to how I felt it was going on. Sneaky little slug. That's the price I paid for dancing with the devil, I suppose. I knew what he was. It's intoxicating, addicting and thrill seeking in the beginning. My adhd dopamine chasing personality was the perfect candidate. Until it stopped being fun and I ended up in hospital twice having to be sedated from having the worst fucking panic attacks of my life lmao. It felt like I was literally running for my life. I will give him credit for that; an absolute covert mastermind at psychologically terrorising me. Until it stopped working. You see, I too struggle with empathy deficits, and my fear of things isn't the same as other "neurotypical." Little miss oppositional defient disorder, low level conduct disorder and just a complete fucking nightmare growing up with the best of them. I have a good heart, I do. However, there is a side of disconnection (I presume a survival mechanism from childhood) that can switch and run into the fire and no longer give off a fragile persona. In saying that though, I'm not a youngen anymore. I have a [nearly teenager aged child] to raise and I'll be mid 30s this year. It is not fair to bring that world of chaos and anarchy into my child's space. Although sometimes I worry he will run to the flames faster than me. His intelligence is of a genius level in my humble opinion but don't be fooled by his "hyper playful persona", he will come at you with a vengeance if you cross him. Is it wrong to help navigate him towards a good life but also to not let people fuck with you that it can even cause ripples throughout your life years later. (police and authority figures; the ones you would have thought to protect you. Lol NO!) I hate cops, not because I break the law anymore or partake in "antisocial" activity, but they have treated me far worse and more insidious than any "junkie" (don't like that term but to paint a picture I'll put it there) ever had. Criminals with badges. Oh but I digress and ramble a bit... I have told my son how to handle cops if they ever were to unfairly harass him, the kind of rights you should be taught but don't get taught until you are stuck with a criminal record thanks cunts.
I'm glad I did get that off my chest. Will I make this a public post or bitch out?
Next fleeting thought...
The thing I get frustrated with is I've learned very well how easily someone will attempt to murder you for nothing. I sure as fuck had nothing to gain from dying. I don't feel victimised in the way that I am sad or weak because even when I am shaking like a leaf in fear I will fight till there is literally nothing of me left. Infact I will jump from the PTSD but there is nothing stopping me from holding a big ass Japanese steel 🔪 ready to come at you if you enter my home and try to kill me. I won't bitch out. I refuse to let any moron have that satisfaction. I aim to be the most boring and annoying person to stalk too. Hope you like the music I play on repeat.
Then there is the 'kind and gentle type of soul' side to me; most people see this part of me in the beginning, if it goes downhill, I can guarantee It is partly a role you also play in that. Little me is childlike and spiritual. In the way that the world hasn't fatigued me too badly just yet; and I find exciting little glimmers of joy in the simplest of things ❤️.
Sometimes, I love humans at times and their interesting idiosyncrasies that they bring. Unless you are a completely imbecile, then you can just fuck off. Haha.
[I started this post weeks ago so sometimes parts here and there might seem like I jump from one point to another, and whilst I am, I couldn't not edit it to the best of my ability.]
I'm very visual especially with some of the ways I picture this inner child of mine. There's a comfort in not having all the control and needing to make all the decisions. I can run, skip and play without worrying about the next disappointment or abuse from my nutcase of a mother; everything is just safe. I learned that it was dissociation (read: maladaptive daydreaming) but boy does my head go to nice, peaceful, far away realities than here. I dont enjoy the pain humanity can inflict upon each other.
I even am small these days, especially tiny. As much as I get praise for my body, I have a raging eating disorder, which I had managed to keep at bay 🙃 and relapsed big time last several months (that ex was a professional emotional terrorist) It's very noticeable now and as much as I'm happy with my size and I will admit if I had healthier eating habits and just exercised regularly I would look great but atm I don't have much tone on me that I'd like. 😅 Instead I don't eat and when I do I spend hours almost blind raging internally about it. Thank my mother. She's fat but it never stopped her controlling everything I ate and making sure if I was even a little chubby or just normal (lol) I was ridiculed and lectured daily. Food became a point of contention, and so did the number on my scales. Shrug 🤷♀️.
That's enough psychobabble from me
I will end it on this sentiment;
I think after 2022, I have never trusted a single person wholeheartedly and it's pretty painful to see how you are forever exploited by men (MOSTLY), so then when you decide to capitalise a little on it (because like I said I do not hold victim status) they hate you for it. You created this. This is the person I play . Your perfect 👌 obedient. You still eat it up like a bitch though.
Glitch
