Here I'm allowed everything all of the time

how to person: a memoir

[themcuhasruinedme]

[myzuer]

Flower Cats

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lovely ladies

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Thank You to The Self-Harm Savior

I want to rhyme, but I don't have the time.

Don't want to think it through, so this will have to do.

Turn on the light and tell me it's alright,

When I write this down and try not to frown.

I got myself into this mess, causing me high distress.

Chronic sickness spreads, 

creating limitless dread.

The last thing I wanted to do 

was create something for you.

Pour another drink

 and try not to think

all about what you gave

 and how it was me you saved.

The bent wrists and angry fists.

So I guess I should thank you.

Yeah, thank you, that’s what I’ll do.

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Chadwick Boseman doing a James Brown show spin (at Terranova West, Spring, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHzlv0SFSyE/?igshid=1es3f8n5aoryp

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at Terranova West, Spring, Texas https://www.instagram.com/p/CHx1qLoBFdk/?igshid=i5btpov5jo43

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The sandbox. I get to be 4 years old today! HBD2me lolz 🥳 (at Terranova West, Spring, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHxzt4ZhMIt/?igshid=19a5pzkgsp5ym

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Ya seen it here first. That’s my name, don’t wear it out! 😎💃🏻😇 (at Terranova West, Spring, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHxVQ2LFqVC/?igshid=15lbgma3iofyv

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My wonderful sister, Amanda. This is her making a get well virtual picture card for her friend who is currently battling CORONAvirus. She is an inspiration to me and one of my@best friends. ❤️😊😇 also she is a mean dancer 💃🏻🤪😎. Love you sis! (at Terranova West, Spring, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHxQjQwFCa8/?igshid=1snav1xv3wkbs

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Cold Showers

I love cold showers. You think I’m insane for it. It feels cleaner, it invigorates me. We argue, playfully of course. You tell me how you want a shower so hot it’ll burn off your skin. I take it too literally and explain how I would hate to have to touch your exposed muscles when we embrace. You roll your eyes. I’ve always been good at that, making them peepers summersault around, those two sunrises on Lake Michigan in the dead of winter I find myself lost in. How could you be so awfully great, and so greatly awful? Oh, cause you are like me. We are in this together, but all alone. I’m always juxtaposing. I’m obsessed with opposites existing in harmony. You believe in nothing, you say. I believe in everything. Then I’ll believe in nothing, and suddenly you believe in something, you’ll say you believe in me.. We shape and shift and mold around each other. It’s a mess really, but when we ride in unison, when we stop the masquerade, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been a part of. Because we’ll always be different, you and I, we’ll always be opposite. But we share together this great big ball of love. And sometimes we are bad at it. Sometimes we get in the way of giving to each other. 

You’ll say something dumb. I’ll start to judge. You’ll laugh in that way that I hate, that laugh that clears the room, makes all the heads turn. I’ll want to disappear into a shower so cold it burns you off me. You’ll tell me I’m as cold as those showers I take, to lighten up, to stop sloshing about in seriousness.

Then I do. I wake up one day and am merry. It’s like shaking a tower, taking a shower, flipping and flopping. Now you think I’m naive, I’m not being realistic. It gets hotter and hotter, the tension it boils. You’re blowing off steam, you say something mean. I don’t understand, let’s laugh a little, c’mon.

You tell me you can’t. You say I’m too wrong, that this was never right. But how can I be wrong when we are just ying yanging around each other? Sometimes you are me. Sometimes I am you. Open your eyes, you’ll see that it’s true. Quit shutting me out, don’t pout. 

“Stop rhyming” you say, stop making something that will never make sense make sense. 

I being to wonder where did I go? I need me hear now. I’ve escaped this.

You are begging me now to stop loving you. You crumple me up and toss me to the floor. Or did I do that? 

It’s not that serious, you say. Get up. Move on.

I don’t. I wallow. I’ve never been good at being left. 

It’s empty here now. It’s been empty for months. I turn on the shower, scalding hot imagining you around me, enveloping me. I don’t take cold showers, no, no more.

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"You look like you combed your hair with fire crackers”

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You had the clearest blue eyes. The wildest Charlie Kaufman hair. The best grandpa sweaters living in a wooden cave with no light. I remember before we made love you jumped up and hung a beautiful curtain. My eyes dazzled in your manic world. Drug induced, a rabid dog, I saw straight into your heart. You were 13 years my senior, with teeth falling out and a bad back. Stretch marks and poorly circulated skinny legs, a pot belly full of red bull and doughnuts. We listened to this song one night. I started to cry of thinking of growing old with you. I saw a wild old man, so sweet and wilting like a lone flower that I’d gently tend to for the rest of my life until nothing was left. So peaceful, so sweet. You saw me crying as we held each other and rushed to turn the song off. I pleaded ‘no, I need closure, finish the song!’ You laughed at my ridiculous nature. I always liked that. Did I romanticize you most the time? Sure. My eyes were clouded with the magic spells you’d cast. I’d float on dreams of your piano keys. I never wanted to see the reality. But I swear I loved you. I was so willing to try. Even after all the times you’d make me cry. I never wanted to lose you. But you didn’t want to be better. You chose to live in fear and paranoia and drugs and hate and hurt. And I was so angry, so angry that you tricked me. But really I just tricked myself into thinking you’d ever drop the baggage and run wild and free onto something greater with me. And now I don’t think of you much, just every now and then I have to cleanse myself late into the night of the thoughts of you. Get you all out of my system when I get an inflammation of heart ache. Does the thought of you keep me up most nights? Not at all. But every once and awhile I get a flare up. I am losing my flow. Time to let you go. But until then I’ll milk you for what you are worth to me now which is all material for me to get down. 

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I forgot you existed.

And then I remembered. As an album I found in the shelf of my mind, a thread of guilt took me right back to you. I strolled in a haze of half closed tired eyes. I saw the park where I hid when I was at my wits ends.

I saw the name of my pain in chalk, large and staring at me. Memory or imagination, I was never sure but I hurt and wandered lost. Would you dare follow? Was this all some play to get you to follow me into my sick hole of rabbits falling off balcony to their own death as I’d watch repeatedly hoping we could stop it.

Alien and a mouse. You so strange, me so weak, so small, afraid to speak.

Maybe I was always a scared girl with daddy issues. I heard your whistle pierce through the dark. I had wandered away from you. But I never wanted you far, just for you to put me in your car and take me away from here.

I remember arched backs. Hands all over praying over medicine coughing it up as I swallowed. What did I want to take in, what did I want to purge. Much like our love you healed and hurt me, ripping me open and bandaging me up. I was gas and boy was I lit.

Was it dark or was it light? Was it dawn or was it night? I never knew with you, just stood shaking in the corner, your scared Chihuahua. Yo quiero taco bell, we’d eat like hell staring at computer screens trying to find a common ground, we fought, we shared, we cared, we stared into the distance in shock of the other. Constant surprises we’d always expect to be filled with regret after regret.

Then you’d take me for doughnuts. You’d buy me a cure. You’d shovel the snow and fix the fridge. Scrub my shower, sing to me, grab my thigh, tell me a lie, I’d crawl in a dumpster, curl up on the floor, you turned me into a heap of garbage. You’d throw me away again and again, but come back and dive back in, we’d trash and thrash and clash. Why couldn’t it work? I always thought you the jerk, but maybe so was I as I’d sit and cry for you not to leave. No please don’t leave. Don’t leave me again. 

And you’d be cursin’ like a sailor and I’d start acting like Liz Taylor.

Bubbalou, I’m still mourning you. 

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July 25th, 2013

This is a photo of me in the Blue Berry Castle with my leg wrapped up because I pulled it while running back from the lake. I like this photo because I am wearing a 1989 Rolling Stone Steel Wheels Tour shirt, a concert I was in the womb for. Also look at the length of that hair! So long. I rarely hurt myself and used to be a sucker for sympathy so of course I took a photo of my “injury”. I remember the moment when I pulled it clearly. I was running west on Belmont approaching where the Annoyance Theater is now located. Lauren Belmore was in the distance and she came to my aid. Which was basically her telling me that I didn’t ruin my leg because I have a serious history of being a hypochondriac. Also look at that “life proof” iphone case. That case was expensive and most definitely not life proof. It just sort of fell apart. I didn’t even do anything that detrimental to it. This photo makes me want to get back to running. I am so out of shape these days. I used to be a workoutaholic. My thinking back then was if my face is gonna be riddled with scars, I’m gonna have a banging body to compensate. I am still working on finding the balance of taking care of my body health wise and still keep my head above water as a “starving” artist. Also Chicago has really good food and that is hard to resist. But I believe in myself and know that there is a future me that is even happier and healthier than the today me and no negative thoughts are ever gonna take over and make me forget that. 

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July 24th, 2013

Here is another one of those “sad girl how does my acne look” selfies. It was taken in the dermatologist’s office and I remember thinking that I didn’t look too bad in this photo, hence the small smile you can almost see on my face. I still carry the sad eyes that lacked self love. And man, can you really tell how swollen and dry my lips are from the accutane. That drug dries you from the inside out. Literally. Your butthole dries up and causes you to have bloody poops. Ew. If you don’t know anything about accutane I dare you to go look up the side effects. They are awful. I can’t say that it didn’t do wonders because for almost three years my skin would rarely get a blemish. I had a bit of a flare up this past year but with self love, meditation, and prayer I was able to find within myself a balance of my spirit which in turn balanced out my body chemistry. It’s amazing how the two go hand in hand. I found in my growth as a human that western medicine really is only a symptom reliever. The cure of any ailment of the body and mind comes from within. At least in my experience that has worked. Two areas I have tried it on were allergies and menstrual cramps. I can pray/meditate those pains away. Food for thought. I hope it continues to work as I heal and grow into the person I was destined to be. Which I can say now I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Have I struggled, yes. Did I do things the hard way? Almost always. Will I face future struggles? Of course. But my bounce back from life’s set backs are so much quicker than what it used to be. The ruts and depressions go from lasting weeks, to only lasting days. I am proud of the work I had done and encourage you all to see the power within yourself to heel and over come. 

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July 23rd, 2016

This is Belmont Harbor. Also this was one of my first instagram photos. How boring. The only reason I like this photo is because it’s of the lake and boats. Other than that it desperately screams to me how much I wanted to take “cool instagram photos that show how artsy and awesome my life is”. I am not a photographer. I never will be. I can’t stand any photo I ever take and that is true to this day. I can never capture what my eyes see. The vision of the photo in my head is always awesome and the actual photo is dull. That is one of the main reasons you may notice I never post photos to social media. I gave up. And I don’t have time for it. Or the battery life for it. I purely take photos of things that inspire me or I don’t want to forget as little reminders. But I know now that they will never be aesthetically pleasing. My photo taking skills are the equivalent of an 8 year olds and I am finally okay with that. 

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July 21st, 2013

This is my face three years ago. I was on accutane for cystic acne. I started to really battle with bad acne when I turned 20. I will still say it was awful. What was more awful is that I was (and still sometimes am) a picker. So I’d spend my time in front of mirrors popping these horrific, deep rooted cysts. Thus you can see the scars that I will probably have for the rest of my life. I hated my face. I have surprisingly learned to love my face. But I hated my face so much for such a long time. This is a private selfie I took with no intention of sharing publicly. I would take selfie after selfie, different angles, different lighting, sometimes even videos, just to get a good look at my incredibly flawed skin. It would often determine how long it took me to get out of the house. 1 hour, 2, 3? It was the cause and root of much of my anxiety. My anxious self claws at her skin. My anxious self couldn’t leave the house without a loud outfit and tons of make up AND checking every mirror in sight to see how her skin looked. I never thought I’d look okay, and really, I probably still don’t to a superficial person. But I can finally see the beauty in my scars. And often I don’t even notice them. My skin for the most part is a lot better. I have learned that stress is the cause of it and the more balance and peace I have, the less blemishes there are. 

My eyes seem so sad here. My heart wants to break for that sad girl but also wants to tell her to get over herself, she is beautiful and going to be just fine. There will be even worse things when your skin is better and guess what, you will be fine through those things too. So smile. I think everyone needs to smile more. Life is too wonderful to hide behind a frown.

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July 5th, but really it’s July 6th.

This is the first photo I took in Chicago. And really it’s just a screen shot that I used for the background of my new iPhone. I got said iPhone on July 18th, so I lived a week or so without a smart phone in the city. I got by with my mock black berry but soon left it on a bus, thus the iPhone was born into my hands for endless fun, (or until that endless fun’s battery dies).

But really this is all getting convoluted, let’s start over. Hi, hello, you might know me, or might not, or maybe just a little. 

Welcome. This is my tumblr blog which will now be dedicated to recording my history in Chicago looking back with hindsight, which we all know is the 20/20 vision we fail to have in the moment at times. 

I moved to Chicago July 5th, 2013 from Los Angeles where I had lived for 9 months prior to the move. I had never been to Chicago before and up and sold my car, shipped 13 boxes, and crammed the rest into three suitcases with my one way ticket in hand. I was lucky to have my best friend from high school who lived in the city with her sister and they took my crazy ass in with welcoming arms. It has been a wild ride ever since.

The concept behind this blog is to pick one photo from the exact day it was taken and write about it from my perspective now, delving into my past in all its glory and darkness. 

For a starting post, this photo doesn’t have a wild interesting story or some crazy introspective reflection. It was taken July 18th, 2013 so really I am ahead schedule on this blog. The photo is still to this day the background lock screen on my phone. Some of you might recognize it as the artwork released when Neutral Milk Hotel announced they were touring again, a hipster’s wet dream in 2013. And this photo showcases my hipster tendencies, which I still unfortunately carry with me. However, they’ve grown less with age and apathy. Also it’s exhausting to be in the know all the time. At least that’s how I feel as a Gen Y living in prime of the internet world. 

So thank you for deciding to journey with this girl as she reflects on her early 20s spent in the great city of Chicago, Illinois. And feel free to ask me anything in the link at the bottom titled IF U NEED 2 ASK ASK, I respond to all messages.