~komaeda disease~

vent blog + random stuff

[staff]

we’re banning komaeda from tumblr

[qivlett]

i know it unlikely (and nigh impossible) that i will make money from writing, especially considering i can barely get myself to write anyway, but no career sounds fulfilling to me. i want to tell stories, but that won’t make me money. getting a “real” career makes me feel depressed, because life makes me feel depressed. the only way i battle it is through writing and enjoying media.

i don’t know what to do.

[qivlett]

fuck i feel like such a horrible person because i supported these people and spent a lot of money on this thing. turns out they would sexualize children and i just never noticed it

fuck what do i even do idk if i can even enjoy this anymore

[qivlett]

everything is the same.

everything is boring. nothing is new, nothing is changing. there’s always this layer of constant worry and guilt and sadness and boredom in my life. nothing interests me for long because i’m always looking for a new feeling that never comes.

the food is the same, and my house is the same and the deadlines are the same and school is the same and my loneliness is the same and my goals are the same unfinished unreachable ghosts

nothing ever changes and nothing is new anymore. these words are all the same and my desire for attention and my hatred of my face and my voice and that constant loneliness at the bottom of my stomach and my hunger and my thirst and my need for cleanliness and my disgust at how dirty and useless and stagnant i am and it’s no wonder nobody likes me.

everything is the same.

[qivlett]

i am feeling a little bit not happy again :/

[qivlett]

im such a freak. everyone sees me and thinks i’m weird. i’m always the outlier, im always going to be thought of as weird and i wish nobody would ever think of me again. i want to be dead so i don’t have to be seen or judged by anyone ever again. my own family thinks i’m a fucking freak. i hate myself so much and i can’t make friends because i hate myself so much and i don’t even want to exist

im never going to be normal im always going to be alone and the weird lonely quiet piece of shit who nobody cares about and who everybody hates and they probably all want me dead anyway. fuck fuckfuck i wish i could kill myself

[qivlett]

i wish i could get up and be productive everyday. i wish i could do the things i want to do and the hard things that i don’t want to do. i wish people wouldn’t look down on me because i don’t do as much as them.

[qivlett]

i

am

sinking

black out

can’t see

can’t breathe

weighing me down

end this

please

[qivlett]

i feel lost. like i am in an endless dark ocean, forever sinking deeper into the depths. unable to see myself. see life. see purpose. i am sinking. i am lonely. it’s dark in this boundless corner and i am so lost.

very rarely, a flash of light peaks through the black curtain, and the weight of millions of pounds of water has lifted. but i cannot stay afloat, at least not long enough to search for help. i am destined to stay in this abyss, as though i have been imprisoned here for a reason that which i do not know.

i wish i knew.

[qivlett]

i can’t sleep and my legs keep twitching and i have to write an essay tomorrow but i haven’t even finished reading beowulf yet fuckfuckfuck

i feel like i’m gonna die i hate this

[qivlett]

bruh how have i written like 5 suicide notes since i was 12 to now. idky but this is so funny to me.

[qivlett]

oughh is my favorite sound ever it just scratches whatever it is in my brain like just saying it out loud or in my head is like oughh

[qivlett]

i love my new room <3

[qivlett]

how do i get followers on here. not even followers i just want friends i want ppl to talk to and who like my posts :/

[qivlett]

the only reason worth living is to see and pet cats

[qivlett]

my cat is sleeping on my lap... she is adorable

[qivlett]

i’m so worried i come off as annoying or selfish or that i take advantage of people and yet i feel so awful that i feel like people are taking advantage of me like. pick a side brain

eh. either way i’m a fucking loser