It’s been a bit rough as of late, lots of ambiguity but trying my best to navigate it. I’d like to make a more in depth post about this later when I get back home.
Invited this couple over to my parents’ place. It was awkward, they kind of did their own thing and just had me stay on the side of the bed and called me over from time to time 🤷🏻♂️
I've been meaning to make a post on here for a while. Didn't really found the time to until now.
Every time I come back onto here, I find myself struggling with where to start. It seems like the last time I made a post was almost exactly a year ago. Most of my time throughout the last year was filled with debauchery mixed in with some work trips here and there. I'm hitting a point where I'm questioning if this is how life should be, and what I can do in order to have a lifestyle that suits me better.
I've always used Tumblr as an outlet to break down my thoughts, specifically when I hit a roadblock or when things get tough. I guess I've hit that point again (and not to my surprise, it usually happens during Q1 of every year when things are at a lull). However, I also see this blog as a snapshot of my feelings over time and the progress I've made, regardless of whether I've regressed or not.
Here's a list of things that've happened throughout the past year:
Visited Switzerland for a work audit. Also visited London on the way. Some crazy things happened at Switzerland... let's just say "don't shit where you eat" applied very well there.
Got into a car accident at fault. Oops :(
Visited Arizona with Connor, Jin Woo, and Kendric. First time traveling with a group of gays, but it was with good company.
Visited Toronto for another work audit. Had some lit food there.
Went to EDC for my first time. Also tried certain influences for the first time. It was a bit of an overwhelming experience, but thankfully I found a good group of friends to experience it with.
Went to Audiotistic and Outside Lands with my cousins over the summer. Didn't expect to rave with my cousins.
Had a work scare and thought I'd need to move to Chicago. That didn't end up happening.
Visited Boston for a work conference, and then went to NYC for some shenanigans. May/may not have gone to see Zedd.
Participated in my first orgy... and last. Never again.
Went to see Madeon/San Holo with Lanna and Connor, which is apparently our yearly tradition now.
JJ/JC's wedding, which was a whole *lit* event by itself.
Brought mom with me to Bali and Singapore for my work audit. I think this trip was the highlight of 2022 for me.
Went to Second Sky with some high school friends. I guess our 10 year reunion happened earlier than I thought.
Went to Dreamstate with Connor and a few other friends who rave (Milty, JJ, JC). This was probably my extrovert tipping point.
Went to Indianapolis for a work audit, and then Chicago for Science Forward Awards at my work HQ. Got my wallet stolen at a club.
Went to Vancouver with Alan and met up with Nat/Jimmy, along with two other friends from the bay.
I also had lots of hangouts with gaysian friends in between, but I started to narrow down my scope of friends even more as the year went on. I think I've gotten to the point where I've identified which friends I enjoy hanging out with most. They're pretty much folks I've stuck with since I came into the gaysian scene, along with friends I've had in past lives. Some notable routines I have nowadays: weekly/bi-weekly lunch with Kunwoo, walks around work with Lanna, coffee dates with Sherman, nightlife with Nat/Jimmy, and dinner/kickbacks with Connor and Jin Woo/Kendric. I'd like to keep these routines as I evaluate how I'd like to see 2023 play out.
As you can see from the list above, I've been drenching myself in raves instead of really focusing on things beneficial for my self-growth. It's starting to feel like a never-ending cycle with raves and travel, or going to Rize every other weekend and meeting gaysians whom I don't establish strong connections with. Is this really how I want to spend my free time?
I'd like to establish healthier goals as February kicks off. I want to distance myself from the rave/gaysian scene and pick up more hobbies that can help benefit myself in the long run. I'm not really sure what this entails yet, but I'm going to try and journal more often so that I can keep myself in check better. Some things on top of my list are slam poetry and guitar. Maybe a sport too? Trying new recipes should be on the list too. I want these hobbies to spark adrenaline so that I look forward to doing them instead of just being a checklist item to learn. I probably need to establish a schedule of some sort so that I can get consistency with these hobbies. More to come on this.
On another note, I took a break from dating seriously until end of last year. I mostly went on dates while I was traveling, but I did have a few folks I was talking to more seriously as the year wrapped up. None of them worked out, but I'm not too torn about them. I look back now and think about how they wouldn't have been a good fit anyway. That being said, I am talking to someone now who (ironically) is a friend I've known for a while now. We talked about focusing on each other and not dating others, but I'm not sure if he's too invested at the moment. He mentioned about wanting to take things slow, and I agreed with that, but I'm not sure if things are going too slow. Nonetheless, I want us both to get a solid understanding of each other before we commit to anything. My company is getting acquired by Amgen, so my future is known too. I'm not sure if I'll stay in the area, or if I'll have to move. If the latter happens, then I'd rather not be in a committed relationship. Part of me still wants to be a degenerate and do slutty things, but I also think that focusing on this person will put me into solitude so that I'm not spending all of my free time cruising on Grindr or hooking up so often. The solitude will give me more time to focus on building out my hobbies before I decide to commit to more debauchery later in the year.
I don't seem to ever write these posts with how I intended for them to turn out, but that's okay. A snapshot is a snapshot. Picture perfect is overrated.
January was a weird month. It started off feeling dead, and then out of nowhere, things started happening again. I'm looking back at who I hung out with and am starting to notice a pattern- there are the fitness gays, the nerdy/career-oriented gays, the ravers, and the gaymers. I feel fortunate to have different friend groups for different interests, but I'm also starting to pay attention to which friends I feel more closely connected with. When I stopped by at Rize last week, I felt like I didn't belong. Sure, I had a lot of friends/acquaintances that I bumped into, but it wasn't fun without the usual few gays I hang out with. I left the venue within 15 minutes, and felt a bit torn.
One thing I'm starting to notice is that I'm struggling trying to balance how to be alone vs. how to be with others. 2021 started off feeling lonely, but I ended the year by spending it with my gaysian family. This year started off feeling like the start of 2021 all over again, and I guess my brain wasn't sure how to react to it. I've been feeling a bit depressed again, and I think part of it is attributed to the loss of excitement with life. Unsure of which friends are considered close, ambiguity with what my own passions are, feeling like I'm not contributing much to work... I think I just need a few days to go somewhere out of town and vegetate.
Dating sucks. I've been meeting a good number of guys here and there, but no one I'm really interested in. In fact, I'm more frustrated having to deal with those who are interested in me despite me not feeling so. Maybe I'm just not meant to date because I'm just too picky for my own good, and it's just making others feel shitty.
I've been meaning to make a post sooner, but life has been keeping me on my feet. So much has happened between September and now. I don't even know where to start.
I finally reached a point where I feel genuinely happy. I feel valued and treasured by a group of friends who enjoy my company just as much as their's. In my 26 years of being alive, I never thought I'd reach this point where I'd have a group of gaysians as my close friends. I was always scarred by the community because I wasn't accepted before, but maybe it's because I didn't try hard enough before to network. I don't know, but either way, I'm glad for the connections I have now and the progress I've made to get here.
I've also gone to five raves and a circuit party throughout the course of the last few months. Like what? Rave boy Jeff? Yikes, I just cringed a little saying that out loud, haha. I enjoyed some of the raves, but not all. I think the company you go with matters a lot. Seven Lions was eh because I wasn't too close with the people I went with, but the other raves kind of worked out better. Oh, and the circuit party? So many hotties, but also not my scene. I'd only go again if I had close friends who wanted to go with me. That was a bit too... wild for me.
Speaking of wild, my birthday party was crazy. Never did I expect to have a frat-like pregame and have friends who would get us a VIP table at a club. That was definitely a night to remember.
All of this, and you'd think I'd be a shit-show at work, right? Apparently my superiors think otherwise. Ya boy got an award for helping establish a state-of-the-art lab from scratch. Weet woo :) I've also been able to learn how to be a better auditor, support building a manufacturing site, and transfer analytical methods from international CMOs for development projects. It's also been a blessing to travel on the company's dime. I think 2020 me would be so proud of how far I've gotten with my career.
I find this all kind of funny because reading my posts from a year ago, I was such a different person. What happened?
So that's a summary of Sep-Dec 2021. What about now?
A few things:
Going to Dodge this weekend, so seeing the snow would be nice. It's been a few years!
Ireland is possibly canceled for work because of omicron. COVID, can you stop ruining my plans?
Tahoe trip coming up soon with the gays. This'll be... interesting.
EDC is in May. First one, much excite?? Especially since I'll be going with close friends :)
I'm feeling melancholy as fuck because of SAD. I think January-May is always a tough time for me.
A few more notes on the SAD part.
I haven't gone on a date in a while. Honestly, I don't even know what a date is anymore. Am I hanging out with a friend, or are we on a date? I just treat everything as a hang out nowadays. Honestly, it's been great being single, but SAD is starting to make me want to simp again. I have no prospects, and I don't really feel desired by anyone. It feels like everyone is eyeing someone in our group, but not me. I know I probably shouldn't overthink it so much, but it makes me wonder if I'm just not attractive enough. Probably true, but I can't fix that. I wasn't born with a pretty face. This makes me feel motivated to work out more so that I can at least have a rocking body, but then what? Sigh, I don't know. But I do have working out on my NY resolutions. Oh wait!
I didn't even talk about NY resolutions yet! I usually try to do that every year on here at a minimum. Let's dig into that real quick. Here're a few on top of my head:
Get to 10% body fat. Work out 4-5x a week and stay off the excessive carbs/fat. I really, really want those abs. Please.
Find one hobby you'll enjoy. Just one is fine, doesn't have to be many. And try to be good at it!
Drink less. Yes please.
Bring Bowser to more places. He's getting old.
Learn more about different types of analytical methods for work, and more about drug development in general.
Be less stingy on reusing things. Some things are just meant to be replaced.
Find more recipes to try out, especially healthy ones.
More solo traveling, especially to international countries.
This list is much less descriptive than mine from last year. I focused so much on hobbies, work, and relationships last year, but now it's just a bunch of random things. Still some of the former stuff, but not a crazy amount. I feel like I'm finally learning how to relax and be a bit less hard on myself.
Alrighty, this post is long enough and my writing kind of sucks nowadays, so let me save you from the burden of reading more. I kind of wonder who even reads these posts nowadays, lol. I guess this is the part I miss about being in a relationship, but maybe one day I'll find someone suitable for that.
I’ve finally experienced what it feels like to be a kid on summer break again.
For years, I’ve struggled to re-experience this feeling. I would play games until 5am when I see the sun rise, sleep in until whenever, and just repeat this cycle until school starts again.
Granted, I don’t actually get summer break as an adult now. But I do get days off, and I can use those days to just party it up with my Pokemon.
On another tangent, I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress at the club. Starting to meet recurring faces and meet newer ones as well. It’s nice to finally feel like I fit into the gaysian community.
Not sure how long this feeling will last, and whether I decide to take real action on next steps… but I’ll just go along with the tide for now.
I’m feeling a bit better after coming back from my trip to LA. The trip was very eventful, which was a good distraction given the events that occurred the weekend prior. It also gave me some time to escape the bay and re-evaluate my priorities.
This past week was pretty busy. I also went on three dates, but I don’t really think any of them were second date material. I think I’d be happy to keep in touch with two of them though, but just as friends. At this point, I think I’d like to wean myself off of dating. I’ve gained a lot of confidence by throwing myself out there and meeting new people, but my cousin was right-- dating is a dangerous hobby because my feelings can dependent on others. I guess at this point, I don’t feel strongly about finding “the right person” to fill that void of loneliness. I do want a more consistent group of friends I can hang out with, though. More on this later.
I also received my first set of samples to test at work this past week. This was an eye-opening experience because the department hasn’t been regularly testing samples since the creation of the south SF lab, so it’s pretty awesome to see these compendial methods being performed like density, appearance, pH, and osmolarity. I’ve always been accustomed running only chromatographic methods like size, charge, and reversed phase for excipient testing, so it’s nice to see the bigger picture. I was also assigned as a project manager for a lab harmonization effort, so that’s also exciting too.
With work ramping up and the delta variant surging, I feel like it’s a good time to pause social interactions and give myself an excuse to finally focus on hobbies. That being said, part of me is still not at peace with spending time alone. Most of the gaysians I know of in SF seem to hang out often with each other, and it makes me slightly jealous not to be part of that group. I think I used to care less because I had such a great group of friends at work to hang out with, but we’ve faded over time. I’m not sure how to find a group of friends to hang out with anymore. Part of me wants to reach out to some of the gaysians I know and see if I can crash one of their parties, but eh. I have a feeling their personalities may clash with mine, but I don’t know that until I try.
I’m still a bit lost with what I should do, but I’m trying to be open to possibilities when they arise. I’m also going to try and stay off Grindr and Jack’d instead of keeping them on my phone. I feel like part of my lack of motivation to do other stuff is because I’m constantly spending my time on those apps. I’m also still getting crossed, and I feel like that’s inhibiting me from focusing at night. Maybe I just need to make a schedule and stick to it while being mindful of when I can consider influences, i.e. on weekends only. Will check in again later on my progress with this.
This weekend has been rough. I’m going through extreme FOMO with seeing all the gays at Zedd. I’m not a raver to start with, so I shouldn’t be complaining... but seeing how many gays are into raving is starting to make me think whether I should get into it as well.
I also met a few guys this past week who seem to know each other. We added each other on Instagram and started talking about mutuals and how we know one another. I’m starting to realize that I’m becoming part of the gaysian community, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. On one hand, it’s a bit flattering because I was not able to assimilate into it when I was single in the past. But on the other hand, I don’t want to be part of it. I’ve been calling the community “toxic,” but the reality is that I don’t know well enough to say whether it is or not. I just thought that way because I admittedly felt a hint of jealousy for not being part of it before. I felt like they weren’t being very inclusive, but maybe that’s just my perspective.
The challenge I’m facing is whether I should start trying out things that most other gays have in common: raving, gaming, kpop, dancing, etc. I feel like I’m an empty shell right now with no passions and nothing to sell myself with. At the same time, I stand with my perspective from previous posts with not doing things simply because I’d like to join the bandwagon. How do I find that balance between doing things I genuinely enjoy and things that I don’t? Maybe I just need to try it first and see whether I genuinely enjoy it.
The higher I get, the lower I sink. I don’t want to live a boring life, but I also don’t know how to live a fulfilling one either. What is the right medium to strike?
Maybe I’m finally having my mid-20′s crisis now, lol.
Also, I just found out from an Instagram story that some of my close GNE friends got together and went camping with out inviting me. Now I just feel like I’m just invited to these events as a substitute when one of them don’t show up. Should I start distancing myself from them? I’m not even sure who I consider to be close friends anymore.
The other two close friends I had were from my ex. One of them hasn’t responded to me in a week, and the other got to be a bit too high-maintenance for me. I’m starting to realize that I’m not only struggling with dating, but I’m also having challenges with my friendships. I feel like I’m starting to get closer to my mom than my friends. It’s a bit strange because I wasn’t really close with her throughout my life until now. She’s been my saving grace throughout this pandemic.
Despite all of the FOMO I’m facing today, I think I’ve been keeping myself well in check with how to handle these situations and be mature about it. I was going to go to a gaysian club event tonight, but I decided not to because of the increasing cases of COVID in the area. I’m also not sure if I associate well with nightlife either. Maybe with the right group of friends, but I don’t have that... so how would I know?
After doing my own root cause analysis through this post, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a lot more inexperienced than I thought, and there is still so much for me to learn about how I should navigate my relationships with others. I think I should try going to a rave once with the right crowd (perhaps with a straight group of friends so that I’m not working with two variables at once), and then I should think about what areas I want to develop in. I want to approach this methodically instead of dunking straight into trying everything just because everyone else is doing it. Why am I so reluctant? Is it because I was raised not to be adventurous? Or maybe I pushed my boundaries with being a workaholic that now I have no idea how to be a functional human otherwise.
The right thing to do is to shut off social media, but I can’t get myself to do it.
Thankfully, I’m going to LA in a few days (again). That should be a good getaway from all this.
Part of me feels like I’m traveling so much just to distract myself. Did I say that already?
After re-reading this point, I think it’s safe to say I’m going through a mild identity crisis. Send help.
Despite being in a better place with my physique and my career, I still have a lot to work on with my personal well-being. I keep telling myself that I’ve made great strides with my mental state from where I was last year, but part of it was stress that came from work, school, and the relationship. Now that none of those factors are in play anymore, I should really focus on how to fill up my free time with more meaningful activities.
The other day, I was hanging out with my cousin and felt slightly attacked. He called me out for treating dating as a hobby. At first, I was dismissing the thought, but after some reflection, I realized he wasn’t wrong. A majority of my free time is spent swiping on Tinder/Hinge or cruising through Grindr/Jack’d. “It’s like as if you’re trying to fill something that’s missing,” is how my cousin described it. I had to ask myself if that’s true, and honestly I’m not sure. Am I missing something in my life? I tell myself I’m happy being single, but maybe I’m just saying that to convince myself.
I’m starting to think that I hang out with friends often and travel so that I’m distracted. I don’t want to feel that way about my relationships with friends. I don’t want to travel for the sake of meeting new guys. I want to be more genuine with my connections and immerse myself with local culture when traveling to new places.
The easy option is to delete all the apps and focus on myself, but I know I’ll feel a bit depressed if I do so. When I was focusing on weight loss, I did not touch any of the apps because I wanted to be the best version of myself physically before throwing myself out there. Despite achieving that, I forgot that dating requires mutual interest that doesn’t come easily with online mediums. That by itself can be toxic, especially when only one party is emotionally invested and not the other. Or, both parties might be interested but circumstances don’t allow that connection to foster further.
What I think I should do is to start fostering that bucket list of hobbies I had and get to a point where I feel content with my progress. Once I get there, I think dating will feel secondary to me and it will be more of a background activity instead of something I primarily focus on. What will also help is if I have a routine, which I recognize isn’t something I currently have. I’ve been sleeping and waking up at random times based on my work schedule needs. Getting cross-faded almost every evening is a way for me to pass time during the evening, which I need to recognize is also dangerous as well. How can I keep myself on track with developing hobbies while staying away from being under the influence? I think setting goals and milestones I’d like to reach will help, but I just don’t want to make it seem like another work task that I need to do. It needs to be fun and engaging somehow.
I guess this is the first time I’m facing this challenge because I’ve been a workaholic my entire life. Having so much free time on my hands isn’t something I’m acquainted to, but it also feels very liberating to have this lifestyle. I keep telling myself I don’t deserve to have this much free time, but I also need to recognize that work will eventually pick up, and I should probably establish some solid ground with those hobbies before things hit the fan. I don’t ever want to go back to pre-pandemic times when 80+ hours/week for work was the norm for me, and that my only outlet was to do more work. I want to live for something outside of my main passion, and dating is not the answer.
Action items: Set goals for hobbies, establish a routine, and calm it with the apps. Focus on establishing more genuine connections and be more wholesome when possible.
The last few weeks have been very eventful. I went on a float at the Russian River, visited NYC, Boston, DC, did a quick work trip in Maryland, and spent this past weekend at a beach in North Tahoe. I don’t think I’ve ever traveled this much within a month’s span, at least not since I started being an adult and having monies to use. I had a lot of fun and learned quite a bit about how it feels to travel solo, but it was also quite exhausting.
For the most part, I allowed myself to be more spontaneous instead of adhering to a planned schedule. I looked up places to visit on the fly, would wake up the morning of work to make presentation slides after getting cross-faded the night before, and met a few rando guys on apps. I also had a really fun date with this Harvard law student, and drove through NYC jungle with a big ass van without getting into a car accident. I’m pretty proud of what I was able to accomplish during all of these trips.
I also did a lot of reflection throughout the past few weeks on what I’d like to work on for myself. I think I definitely want to continue growing with music (piano/ukulele) and keep my work out regime, but I want to be more productive with my free time outside of work now. I need to use this blog more often to capture my thoughts. I should also work on having a more routine sleep schedule and meditate before heading to bed. Also need to make new music playlists and find a sport to play. Maybe new hiking spots as well? I might also try and put some time into Genshin just to be able to talk about it, but eh. I don’t want to do activities just so that I have “common interests” with other guys. I want to do them because they excite me.
What I should do less of: going on sporadic hook-ups, spending most of my time with dating, and posting for validation. I want to be more mature with my decisions and spend my time with what matters most to me, like developing passionate hobbies or with friends and family. I also think posting on Instagram is literally just for the likes and boys instead of doing it because it’s for myself. I need to remind myself that having fun is only something that I can define, and that can mean something very different for other people.
I should also lose a few pounds. I gained a little from the last few weeks... errr.
Meanwhile, work is a bit frustrating. There’re some discussions to harmonize capabilities with the east coast site I visited in Maryland with the South SF site. I’m not in favor of the harmonization because the east coast can support most of the biologics analytical methods that my lab runs, and they have other capabilities for cell culture, purification, and formulation development. I might lose my job if I don’t need to support analytics anymore. Unless if they let me develop in formulation, then there’s no reason for me to stay. I miss feeling valuable and being able to make a meaningful contribution, but this experience has also taught me how important it is to surround myself with a positive, close-knit work environment with responsibilities that feel impactful. I miss that so much about GNE.
My last takeaway: work isn’t (and shouldn’t be) your entire life, and that life is a journey that never stops evolving. I’m pretty satisfied with myself, but I think there’re still many aspects I can continue to improve on!
I’m slowly making strides at breaking out of my free time paralysis. I think I was partially overwhelmed with hearing about what other people do, like gaming, working out, or some crazy sport. I think I’m having a healthier relationship with my hobbies by critically evaluating what I actually enjoy and not trying things for the sake of having commonalities with other people.
One hobby I seem to consistently go back to is music. I was inspired by an Instagrammer with their cover of “Someone You Loved,” so now I’m trying to replicate it on the piano. Also working on “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on the ukulele. No major progress yet, but I’m excited to share it once I have a handle on either of these pieces!
I also took Bowser out to my friend’s party last night, and to my parent’s place earlier today. I’m trying my best to be a better dog parent by taking him out whenever the opportunity arises. He’s already 10 years old now, so sadly his time is counting down now. I want to make the best of our time together whenever I can.
I’m really looking forward to the next month! Going to Maryland to watch a UFDF run for some up-concentration work we’re doing on a subQ program in development phase, and then I’ll chase the sample back to SSF to perform the analytics for the run. Also going to Russian River towards the later half of this week to tan like a sardine on a float, and then Tahoe/Reno later this month. I forgot how much fun it is to be out with friends and to explore new places with them. “Hanging out with friends” is my real hobby.
I’m slowly starting to give up on dating. I don’t have much motivation to swipe or browse dating profiles nowadays. Part of me is scared of commitment and getting hurt from it. Why go through that when I’m perfectly happy being single and being surrounded by good friends and good company? I think having more hobbies will help fight the sporadic lonely times I have, along with work ramping up as well.
Happy 4th to US folks! Looking forward to seeing some fireworks in SF tonight.
Today was a highly productive day. Cleaned up a few instruments in the lab, worked out, had a chat/stroll with a good friend after work, reconnected with an acquaintance I met roughly 10 years ago over dinner, and finally opened up that ukulele box. I spent a good hour just now trying to tune the ukulele and learn a few chords. I’m still having some trouble with transitioning between chords and strumming correctly, but Youtube is a godsend so hopefully I’ll pick up some hints by watching a few tutorial videos.
During my chat/stroll with my friend earlier, we unpacked a lot of emotional baggage that we’ve been experiencing individually with guys we’ve dated throughout past couple of weeks. I told her about my weekend and how I had a really good date, but I had some reservations about this guy and whether he would be compatible with me as a partner. She told me about her (now) boyfriend and the relationship concerns she has. It was a good venting session, and I think we both needed it.
Today is also my former group leader’s birthday. I miss her a lot. She was like a work mom to me. I sent her an email today to say happy birthday. Hope she’s doing well.
Earlier today, I was thinking about some possible root causes as to why I have free time paralysis. One of the reasons I thought of was that I’m often scared of putting in effort and not achieving results fast enough. I was thinking I should maybe consider reaching out to my former therapist and see if we could meet again to chat about this. For now, I feel like at least writing my thoughts out seems therapeutic enough. I’ll also meditate some before I sleep tonight.
I’m glad that I’m finally making progress on those hobbies. I really want to get good at something so that I can share it with the world (and guys, of course). I want to be able to maintain a good evening routine and share it with others. For example, I want to be able to say “I enjoy cooking, playing music, journaling, and meditating as my evening routine after work” instead of just saying “I watch TV after work and that’s it.” I feel like I should also try out Genshin and hop on the hype, but I also feel like it’s a lot of work to learn something just because a few guys I’ve dated play it as well. Note to self on some things to look into later: Genshin, Steven Universe, getting good at Smash/Mario Kart, a board game, ATLA... why am I attracted to gaymers when I’m not one myself???
More to unravel later, but this is just some food for thought in the meantime. Jeff signing off now.
I can’t believe it’s been about a good half year since I’ve been back on here. So much has happened in the first half of 2021. I’m not even sure where to begin.
Life took a lot of unexpected turns these past few months. One thing I can say for sure is that I’m definitely happier now compared to how I felt throughout most of 2020.
The pandemic had a few blessings in disguise. It brought to light so many stressors in my life that I didn’t care to notice.
For one, my previous job caused me to have a lot of self destructive behavior. It wasn’t until after quitting that I realized how much I put my heart and soul into a place that didn’t value me enough. Leaving wasn’t easy, but I’m in a better place now where I get more visibility and I can learn more about drug development. I’m also really excited to be traveling for work to help with CMO audits. Maryland is first on the list, then Switzerland. I still think a lot about the folks from my previous job. The goal is to boomerang back one day, but that would be many years from now if the opportunity arises.
Living by myself and being single during a pandemic forced me to learn how to enjoy being a hermit. Sure, I saw some friends every so often, but being more sedentary with my social life gave me the opportunity to focus on myself more without external distractions. One aspect I focused on was being more fit. I didn’t realize how much weight I gained until I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I think I was already in the process of losing weight when I was last on here, but I didn’t take it too seriously until the start of this year. Let’s just say that I wasn’t expecting to see the progress I eventually made. My main motivation was that I wanted to look and feel confident whenever I would start dating again, but what I didn’t expect was how much I’d fall in love with my body.
What else have I been up to? Err... I’ve thrown myself back out into the dating market. I’ve gotten to the point where three dates in one day isn’t too out of the norm. Being single is so different this time around. Five years ago, there were less dating apps available, I was still in school, and I didn’t have time and money to spend. Now, I’m getting a lot more attention than I anticipated. I’m humbled by the interest I’ve received, but it’s gotten a bit overwhelming. In all honesty, I think I’ve finally learned how to be fine being alone that I don’t really care too much whether any of these conversations eventually become something more. I have my dog, family, friends, and my job to worry about, which is plenty enough. But, if the right person comes along, then I’m happy to entertain it. Otherwise, I’m living my best life.
Quick rant on what I would still like to work on: my hobbies. I’m still having free time paralysis. Most of the time, I’ll default to watching TV, but I don’t feel like it’s a good use of my time. I was trying to learn more pieces on the piano, but I gave up on that shortly after starting my new job. I bought a ukulele a month ago and haven’t touched it yet. Still haven’t looked up places to try ultimate frisbee, or continue tennis lessons. There are so many things I told myself I’d like to try out, but I haven’t found the motivation yet. I honestly don’t know how to because I’ve been a schoolaholic or workaholic my entire life.
What I do consider as hobbies: traveling is one, but that’s more of a seasonal thing to do. I should look into more board games to try. I guess hanging out with friends as well, but who doesn’t do that. Same with cooking.
I think I’ll do better with making progress on the hobbies if I set timelines and expectations for myself.
Okay, I think that’s enough food for thought tonight. I need to do these recaps more often. It’s quite therapeutic.
kaledo-art
tangentwithtanner
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
titsay
stormborns
areudirty
dededos
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
snowghoul