FROM NOW ON
I want to let go of what is boggling me these days since the birth of 2023 through this writing. It was the most pungent taste and sourest experience – starting from betrayal to forgiveness to patching up to reminiscing to questioning one’s self. Fate was a bully and I am its prey. I stopped being the social butterfly because no matter how pure my intentions were, people will always find ways to cut your wings and suffer. However, there is always something we could do about it and one of them is to achieve the “art of not giving a fuck”. But the news is, I was naturally born with my heart being one step forward than my mind. I want to have the other way around this year. God knows how much I prayed to make my feelings sturdier like a stone since I am tired of being emotional or being “too much” or “over” to everything – ecstatic, depressed, infatuated, infuriated, or aloof. I need to step up my game – to choose myself over anyone else. Second, on my list is that I have observed that I really do overshare. There are times that I want my mouth to be kept inside my pocket at all times. When I am already comfortable, I will non-stop talk about random things. As an ambivert, this socially active version of me is sometimes haunting to my introverted side. I want to be alone too but boredom will choke me to death. I am confused already about where should I stand. Strange! I want to be the best version of myself each and every day. The only way is up or straightforward. Collect all the pain and turn them into life lessons. No matter how thick the blood is nor how strong the bond is, in a blink of an eye, you are always on your own. Forgiveness and reconciliation are one of the prettiest gifts but these things can sometimes be temporary. Experience is what I believe is the most genuine thing you can be proud of. And speaking of experience, it feels right to be always in pairs. Like black and white, left and right, sun and moon, up and down, etc. And in numbers, odd for me is odd. Like in friendship, when two friends are having fun and in deep connection, the third one can just simply smile and laugh at the side nor watch and support them from afar. In my 25 years of existence, in different eras and timelines, I always experience being the “third” one. So, one of my resolution this year is to drop the term “best friend” officially but they will all be called “close friends” or “treasured friends” which I like the sound of it better. The memories are like playing your favorite cartoon show on a compact disc but once scratched, it will never display a clear video again. In a different scenario, there are also what we called “leeches” in our life. They know that you are something to them in the present so they will be around you in the most and best version of themselves with their fingers crossed at their back. They are hungry parasites that have hidden agendas. So, if the shoe fits, it doesn’t look good on you so better jump out of the pot before the water gets hot. These are all the weights that I have faced today but through writing this, honestly, I feel a lot better and I just wanted to share this with everyone who managed to read this at this part. I am sure that God has better plans for me. He will give me a sharper vision, a mind that can decode more easter eggs, and a stronger heart.