Queen Kissi Diaries

[queenkissidiaries]

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Feelings feelings feelings. inhale. exhale. stop. close eyes. type. feel. woooooooooo. Brain twirls and whirls.

I find myself questioning everything. I am so insecure in my relationships. Almost all of them. With my friends, I obsess over making sure they are not angry at me. And if they are I feel all sorts of self guilt and like my self worth is extremely low. When it comes to my partner I know they are going to leave me. I just know they are. Everyone who is important in my love, who promises to love me lifelong leaves me. They hurt me. They discard me. They want nothing to do with me and give me all sorts of excuses. 

My father has left me. Filling me up with promises, only to turn back when things don’t go his way. When I don’t go his way. I have a mold to fill, a mold to step inside and exist. And when I shake that up I shake everything up. My mother actively resents me. Since the moment I was born. I believe that. Decisions that I make for myself, knowing myself that she does not understand nor agree with are met with punishment. At this moment, remaining in contact with her directly attacks my wellbeing and survival. And that is a painful realization. I try to avoid feeling the pain of my parents and I constantly live as though none of it bothers me, but I am severely insecure. I do not know how to love without lost being attached to it. Without waiting for me to fucked in the process, heartbroken. I have once loved deep, expansive, whole. And yet I haven’ve been able to access any of that. Instead I am stuck, still, stagnant. I feel like a robot. Less than. Like a soulless creature barely hanging on. 

I have not been prioritizing my care. That is absolutely necessary for me to be a sustainable person. I have not been taking care of maintaining my wellness. And I know that this is what I need to be here, to stay alive, to ease this pain. To survive. 

Recently I have been questioning my relationship with Jourdan, as noted above and aligned with my insecurities. My head isn’t clear. And I am not saying this because I am questioning things. I am saying this because I feel my thoughts merging together because they are not clear. This simple act of writing it out makes me feel slightly more grounded.

But I am feeling pretty lost right now. I definitely need to do some reflection and sitting with myself. Especially as we head into the new year. And me feeling this way has me lashing out at Jourdan, who I love. I really need to do some internal soul loving. 

I have a such a fucked up relationship with sex. I have been craving it at the worst times, trying to feel other. I watch and turn to porn when I feel the most shitty, sneaking into the bedroom in the middle of the night to grab the vibrator, and not tell Jourdan. It is so fucked up that porn is what I turn to when I need to feel something other, but knowing that it makes me feel shittier. I feel dirty, filthy. It is not a healthy relationship with sex, something that is already painful for me. 

I can’t keep feeling this way. I beat my chest and deepen the emptiness. When will it beat back? When will it crack open? I need to take care of myself but I know not how. Actually, I do know how but for some reason I cannot make the first step. 

I feel so lost right now. I question if now is the time for me to be in a relationship because more than anything I want to be alone. I want to crawl up into a ball and sink there. I want to masturbate, waste money, order delivery, and repeat. Crying all the days, binging all the days. How can I be in a sustainable relationship when I need to be by myself, taking care of myself? Sometime I wish we had two different rooms. Or at least I wish I had a room that was just my space, just mine to fill up and be safe in and no one else could enter.  I need my own altar space, my own free space to exist. That is the one thing I miss about living without a partner - my own room my own space to be filthy and gross and dirty and not be witnessed, not be accountable to anyone or anything.

Here I am accountable to the dogs, to being a healthy partner. But how can I be a healthy partner when I am so fucked up? When I am not even here? When I move with pain? 

This is what I mean when I say that I am lost. Should I be alone, bathing in my depression, hating myself, but having the freedom to do so, without the humiliation of being witnessed? Did we move too fast? Do I need to be along and focus on my wellness? 

I don’t know how to focus on my wellness and meet the expectations of my partner at the same time. We may need a break, because I really need to focus on my shit and I really need to be alone. When I am feeling most suicidal, when I am in the depth of my menstrual cycle (which is now) I need to be solo. I need space to be fucked without being seen. 

How can I expect a healthy relationship when I am not healthy? Is it even possible for me to heal myself while loving another person? While meeting the responsibilities of another person? I don’t know how to do that. 

I do think I am noticing that this is a pattern with my period - needing to be alone, questioning my relationship. 

I know that I love Jourdan. I know that I want to grow with them and love them and watch the fail and succeed and raise a family and babies with them. 

I also know that I should not be trusted to be healthy partner right now because I am not healthy. I do not have my shit together and I do not want to be here.

So maybe we need a break or a pause or a stop in expectations so I can work on me without having to also show up as a partner.

I need some days by myself.  

[queenkissidiaries]

Spiraling

Today, I feel like I am spiraling. Today, I am spiraling. It is not a feeling. I do not have feelings. I have sunken. I have sadness. I plaster on fake smiles and attempt to keep myself grounded. But the waters are pulling me down, keeping me loose. Lost. On the brink. 

Today is not my good day. Today is hard. 

[queenkissidiaries]

Today

Today is one of those sad days. One of those biting days when I feel the pain, but am unaware of why/how. I need to be in a studio. I need to be in a studio. I need to be in a studio. I need to be creating and exploring and understanding, instead, I’m confused. 

I broke my almost 6 month celibacy (started August 16th, 2017, ended February 14th, 2018) this week, with a girl who I don’t have any feelings for. 

She says she likes me, but does she know what that even means? 

I’m confused. Usually I am quick to catch feelings and get attached. But after we fucked I just felt empty and numb. No joy, no passion. In that moment there wasn’t exactly lust, I was just going through the motions. That feels shitty. 

Do we try again? Is that something I even want? What are we doing? Why are we fucking? To be completely honest, I haven’t had any desire to have sex. Yeah, when we are on the dance floor I definitely am in the mood and have the desire. But outside of that, I’m honestly chillin. I’m not even interested in getting to know anyone or build intimacy with anyone. What I am saying is that had I not met her and known her, I would not be talking to anyone or trying to get to know anyone, and I would not have any desire to have sex. 

So maybe I should back off? Maybe I tell her that I’m not in any place to get close to anyone and be vulnerable with anyone, and that it is not what I want. But are we getting close? Nope. I don’t know much about her nor does she know about me. The only area of concern is that she introduces me to her friends, and they know who I am and vice versa. I think we are both in a place of hurting, and are not being deliberate with our actions or desires because there is no desire, really. Just enjoying each other’s company. 

What does it mean to get to know someone without any intention behind? Without any strong desire to do so? Should I proceed? Should I chill out? In all of my romantic situations I have had some sort of intention, and its been firm. Whether that means to simply fuck, or to grow with and learn with, I have had some sort of intention. But with this person I don’t. I do not want a relationship with her, and I’m honestly not looking for any new friends. I don’t want a fuck buddy right now, if I’m truly being honest with myself. I don’t want a consistent sex situation, because my body is numb and is not desiring sex. The times when I do want to fuck are always after dancing and post intoxication, but not really on a casual basis. 

I just feel sad and empty and I am not quite sure where those feelings are coming from, but I don’t think they are connected to her. They are connected to me and my body as of now.  

So many thoughts running through my head right now. I need to get my life together. 

I do not feel very connected to my work as a performer right now, and I really need to dive into that. 

My skin is so so dry. It’s dying. I need to revive that. 

I’m living paycheck to paycheck. 

My body does not feel healthy. 

I am not dancing nor creating enough. 

I need to revive my skin, love my body by feeding it - with good nutrients, regular exercise, movement, I need to get my finances in check. I need to create. I need to study. I need to do a better job at loving myself. 

But back to what I was saying earlier. It’s been several hours since starting this post. Since I started writing about feeling sad, I’ve eaten, drank water, and had lunch with one of my best friends. BUT ALSO the person described above did not text me at all yesterday, and I texted them to invite them to a performance of mine. They said they would think about it. They just texted me for the first time since then. Is it a coincidence that I got sad after radio silence, and that I feel better? Am I better because of lunch? It really was good conversation. Or am I better because this person decided to pay me some attention? Do I define my own worth based off of the love others show me? Am I enough to make myself feel good? Or do I depend on the love from others? I’m pretty sure I depend on that external attention/love/validation in order to feel good about myself and I am ashamed of that. 

[queenkissidiaries]

21

Here I am again, contemplating what I want my next moves to be. Happy 21st birthday to me! Officially an adult. And officially establishing some goals: My top three goals are to move out of the house, secure a full time job, and pay off a 3rd of my credit card debt, which is about 3k in total, so $1000 payed off.  These goals are solely around independence, one of two focuses for this 21st year, the second being art development. For art, I seek to take a dance class and develop my technique to any style of choice, and to craft a performance of love and pain. I also have one major intention: Protecting my energy. 

I am also at a place where I am rediscovering what I like and don’t like. All of my life I have been a performer, whether in dance recitals or musicals, or in my everyday life. I want to return to that side, that creative energy. 

Each day, school seems more and more obsolete. If I had to study something, it would be black feminism and queer theory/sexuality. Which is why I am double majoring in black studies and sociology and minoring in women’s studies. But I truly feel like I can learn everything that I am learning and studying on my own. Through reading books and journals. As a book lover, the classroom isn't really teaching me much, and I absolutely hate writing papers. Academia is quite hard for me. I don’t like deadlines and I don’t like grades, etc. I’d much rather do everything on my own, at my own pace and my own time. 

At the end of the day there are several things I am sure of, and I don’t have a clear direction as to where I will go. But I think that is a beautiful thing, really. As a virgo, I’m so used to planning everything out, everything detail of my life. But it is okay to step back and not know where life is going to take you. 

I do know that I am frustrated with the fact that I need to make a career out of myself, and that I must rely on money to survive and thrive. That makes it hard to sustain yourself off of doing what you love, and achieving fulfillment. But I’m done working jobs I do not want or enjoy. I also used to be trapped into thinking that my resume has to have a clear trajectory and that I must stay in one career path the entire time. Fuck that shit. I am a multitalented, multifaceted woman, and I do not have to adhere to one job or career or path. I never tend to stay on paths anyways, I always find a way to either get bored, disinterested, or too stressed. 

As is the case with academia. I used to be able to see myself so clearly, getting this degree and working in a non profit - developing curriculum for Black girls and femmes and really teaching these young women about themselves. There is too little of that. We as Black women do not know ourselves. We are constantly learning about men, and particularly white men. We do not see enough pictures of ourselves, do not see enough media representation of ourselves, do not learn enough history about ourselves. 

While I certainly am passionate about contributing to my community and developing Black girls in Bed Stuy, I am not ready to do that yet. I am still growing, expanding, and learning. I myself have years of learning to do on Black girls and women, before I can lead other Black girls on learning themselves. I’m still discovering myself as I morph into whoever I am becoming. I will always dedicate myself and my work to Black girls. But for right now, I want to focus on developing my craft and exploring my creativity. And learning, before I lead.

So here is what I know: 

I love studying Black feminism. Preferably outside of a formal setting. 

I love styling and fashion. I love interacting with people, piecing together outfits, and being creative to help people achieve a desired look. I also love all things beauty - I love doing makeup, watching youtube, trying new products out. I love buying new products, and I definitely have an addiction with buying new clothing. Styling myself and my looks brings a lot of joy to myself. I used to be so obsessed with defining my style and having a very specific look/adhering to a singular look. But now I’m like fuck it! I can wear heels and a fancy dress one day, and leggings and sneakers the next and feel completely on my own trend. 

I love performing! Be it dancing or burlesque, I love it all. I enjoy being in front of an audience, wearing stage makeup, getting ready in costumes, all of it! 

I love being in front of a camera, being the main attraction on shoots. I love modeling, and flirting with the lens. 

I love being surrounded by creatives! And collaborating. And meeting new people. I love socializing. I love nightlife. I love planning and executing social events. 

Right now, I want to focus on all things performance and creativity - styling, dancing, burlesque, and modeling. Eventually I want to get formal ballet and modern training, as well as take classes in tango, salsa, forms of African, and heels. 

Ideally, if I could be apart of an all Black queer performance company, I would be ecstatic. Until then, I am working with what I have. Right now, I want to focus on my creative exploration. 

In this year of 21, I am not working jobs that don’t give me joy. I am dedicating my time to exploring and crafting my creative efforts. I will explore styling, dancing, burlesque, performance, and modeling. I will gain independence and protect my energy. I will create the life I want to live. 

[queenkissidiaries]

Blue skies I'm alive

[queenkissidiaries]

Self-Love is hard.

I wonder if I’ll ever love myself. And I mean truly, honestly, and wholly love myself. Is there an end to self-loving? A final destination? Is there a time when we truly feel at peace with who we are? How can we truly be at peace when we are constantly evolving? I believe I can reach a place of self love and self acceptance, but right now it seems next to impossible. Not when I crave so much from others. Not when I crave attention, love, and affection. Not when I crave the external touch and warmth and laughter and love. I want love so badly. I want intimacy, I want to connect with someone - on a deep deep level. I want to find love, a true love. The sad thing is, I crave a relationship with others more than I crave a relationship with myself.  

I feel so sad at the moment. So deeply sad and alone and hurt. I look back at my past relationships and wonder if any of the folks I loved ever truly loved me?

Self-Love is hard.

[queenkissidiaries]

Being alone sucks. It hurts and it hurts. I’m so bad at the this thing called being single. I crave so much attention and energy, but more importantly, I crave intimacy. I want to connect with folks and build and grow with folks. 

I really want to text to you and talk to you. How are you doing? Are you hurting like I am? It hurt like shit when you told me this was the right decision. I really gave my energy to you, my love to you. What did you give me? How did you love me? Did you love me? 

Love has only hurt me. It’s only made me cry. It has only ended in heartbreak. I’ve loved and loved and loved and at the end of the day, I’m the one crying and weeping and sad. 

I want to be loved, to be held, to be cherished. All in health, all in passion, all in genuineness. I want someone to invest in me, to be excited to invest in me and to want to take a chance on me, wholeheartedly, recklessly, with no hesitations. I am so willing to bend myself over backwards and love the world, but who actually gives a fuck about me? How many people spend energy loving me? Looking to love me? Thinking about me? 

I wish I had a heart that would just give to myself sometimes. Or that wouldn’t break so easily. A heart that was lovable. Maybe that’s it. Maybe my heart just isn’t lovable. But I don’t really believe that. Maybe it’s not the right time or the right space. Maybe I should go away for a bit. 

This night is really fucking hard for me. I’m sad, I’m lonely, I want to text my ex. I want love and exchange and connection. I just want and crave it all. Damn. When will I stop? When will I be happy in my solace, in my loneliness? When will I enjoy being alone at night and be content? Is that a sign of self-love? Is the joy of isolation and singularity truly an indication of self-love? 

I just know that I want this pain to stop. 

[queenkissidiaries]

I gave you so much love. So much of myself. I fully opened myself up to you, was vulnerable before your eyes. I laid myself out to you for you to examine, and look and touch and love and admire. But you browsed and tried me on, loved my texture, loved how I felt on your skin and on your lips but you did not love me. You loved how I made you feel, loved how I made you smile, loved to make me laugh. But the person that I am, my soul, my being, me - you did not love her. You led her to believe that you would and you could and you wanted to but you didn’t. She’s too much, she’s too loud, she's too hyper, she’s too herself, she exists too much. Everything about her needs to shrink and hide so that she may be loveable and admirable, so that she may be likeable. 

I check your twitter too fucking much, I’m thinking about you all day, wondering if you miss me, if you're thinking about me, if you want me while I’m doing all of those things. Missing you. Wanting you. This is what heartbreak feels like. 

[queenkissidiaries]

Breakups

So, you’ve decided to end this once and for all and you're still not owning up to why. Point is, I’ve opened myself up to you, exposed my flaws to you, and you decided that you couldn’t love me. Maybe you never loved me. Maybe you just loved the idea of someone loving me. You yourself said in a twisted way that you're not sure if you're ever going to have something like this again. Not someone like me, but something like this. Meaning you're not sure if someone will love you again, but are you actually sad that we are done? 

I called you, and you didn’t even sound sad. You sounded relieved. You were able to study and focus and get you're shit done. You seemed as if it was an ordinary day with one less worry in the air. Well good for you. I truly hope you're happy. 

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here hurt. A little less hurt than before, but nevertheless hurt. I just want someone to put as much energy into me as I put into them. I want someone to love me the way I’m capable of loving them, happily, fully, wholly. 

I’m tired of forcing love down these people’s throats. Of hoping for people to love me for me and accept me for me. I want to be loved unconditionally, the way I have learned to love. 

At this moment though, I’m all loved out. Not interested in falling in love or being in love anytime soon. Maybe hoeing around, but definitely not love. 

She tells me she’s confused; confused about whether she loves me for me or whether she loves me because I love her. She’s doesn’t want to invest in me because something is holding her back. My flaws, my loudness, my talkativeness, my playfulness. She didn’t think it was worth it to invest in me, to put in effort to work on us and work through our differences. I am not worth it to her. She acts like she doesn’t really want this relationship because she doesn’t really want this relationship. 

No longer am I putting in more than my partner is willing to give. No longer am I exhausting myself, prioritizing others, or simply giving giving giving. I will be loved unconditionally or I will not be loved at all. I will love me.

[queenkissidiaries]

We've cried together. We've broken up. We've hurt each other. Just last night, you snapped at me. You made me cry. I never thought you would make me cry outside of an argument. But last night I cried because of this shitty way you treated me.

I'm tired of getting treated in shitty ways. You of all people should understand that. You get treated in shitty ways all the time, and we both know I've had my fair share of shitty treatments.

You know, I think I'm finally reaching my pain capacity. I'm slowly creeping towards it. Sometimes I promise myself that if people keep hurting me I'm just going to let go of people. Much easier said than done.

More than anything I want to be loved and feel loved. More than anything.

[queenkissidiaries]

Tell me, how am I supposed to master this self love thing? How am I supposed to be a giver and reciever of love at the same time? Seems nearly impossible. I want a love that loves me back already.

Nana Minder

[queenkissidiaries]

Dear Chin,

I love you. I really do. But I have become emotionally dependent on you. I look to you as the source of my happiness, your company and presence sources my joy, and my happiness. Yet that is not your responsibility. Happiness needs to come from the self, first. I need to be independent, to be able to be alone and not be sad. Yet when I’m alone I fill myself up with distractions. TV,  Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. I am never just alone with myself and with myself. Writing has definitely helped that. 

I just want you to know that I will work on me, not just for us but for myself, my sanity and peace.  We will get through this. I know I can be extremely rash and stubborn, but I want this to work out. We have so  much potential, lets give this thing a true shot while we both independently grow in 2017. I am looking forward to growing with you, loving with you, exploring with you.  

I know I can be a bit much, and I know I have so much to work on. I will. But I am so tired of everyone telling me that I need to tone myself down or change to be more likable, to make friends. I am who I am. I can work to eliminate how rude and selfish I can be for sure. I can be very self centered and self righteous. Those can change. But I will not change my energy, my fierceness, my loudness. I will not drown myself out for the approval of others. 

What I most appreciate is that you love me now, in my full state. You love me with all my flaws, with all of my depression, my forcefulness, my selfishness. That honestly amazes me. I cannot wait to love myself the way you love me, and for you to love yourself the way that I love you. 

I will end my emotional dependence on you. I will not hold you responsible for my feelings, my happiness. I will learn to love myself, while loving you. 

Queen Kissi. 

[queenkissidiaries]

I’ve met a girl

I’ve met a girl who I’ve managed to love. Somehow, someway, I managed to open up my heart to hers. I want to be ready for love but I am not. I cannot even love myself. But somehow, in my pain and self hate, I’ve managed to love you. Your smile, your eyes, your hips, your thighs. 

Yo, how did you get me here? Really, what is it about you?  

I really am lucky to get to know you, to get to love you. 

[queenkissidiaries]

Lucky

You know, I am lucky to have people who care about me. Who would mourn me should I leave this earth suddenly. Because I want nothing more than to do that. But i know I would hurt so many people in the process. But I am hurting. I am really really hurting. I want to get high, to take a pill and make it all go away. I just want to feel better, feel different. 

It’s really getting hard to cope with this feeling. Really really hard. And so man people are showing me love that it’s not fair to be selfish. 

I’m just stressed is all. I’m good.

10.17.16. Queen Kissi. 

[queenkissidiaries]

Depression

Depression is all around me. I don't want to go to class, to work, to the outside world. I’d much rather be laid up with bae in bed. Cuddling. Kissing. Loving. Things are feeling really bad. Not exactly suicidal, but close to it. Where has my passion gone? My energy? I used to be so excited to wake up in the mornings and now each day I look forward to sleep. Nothing else. Oh and eating and bae time. But that is all. I’m just wondering when I will be normal again, happy again. I used to wake up and get myself all dressed up, choose an album, and waltz my way to wherever I needed to be. But not these days. These days I throw on anything that looks alright and make it through the day. Days have become something I need to make it through, not something that I live through. Damn. And why? Why am I feeling this way? 

I’m lying more than ever. Skipping work, skipping class, and begging for each day to be over. To be honest I really just want to break down and cry. Soon all this shit will catch up to me and I’ll be in deep shit. I’m afraid that I’m hurting her, making her sad. She’s so sensitive, she really knows how to feel. That’s what I love about her. I love how much she cares but at the end of the day, caring that much for someone like me is no good. It comes to bite you back in  the ass. Don’t care about me. Don’t love me. Stay far away from me. Sometimes I convince myself that I am good for her but since I have to convince myself...then clearly I’m no good.

I go on social media and I feel like even more shit. I’m not really used to that, but these days after spending tons go time on Facebook, I just want to find a pillow and cry. Sometimes everything makes me sad. My mom can be great but many times she can be so petty and rude and that makes me very angry and sad. She can’t ever just tone down the sass sometimes and that is working against her. It’s okay to just be nice and not so petty. 

I am not a good person. I lie, I yell, I hurt. I am deceitful and selfish and I’m a shitty student. I’m just shitty all around. Fuck. 

10.17.16. Queen Kissi. 

[queenkissidiaries]

The Heart

It’s crazy how you can go from completely falling in love with a person and having a connection with a person to having months and years go by without so much as a “hello”. That’s crazy to me. I guess that’s also breakups. Makes sense. I always get this way when I begin reminiscing and looking through old photos. First there was me and him and then there was me and her and now who is there? What is there? What about now? And you’ve moved on back to the one before me like I was nothing. Didn’t we have a connection? Wasn’t this real? How can you be so in love now when you were so into me then? How was I able to be so in love after you when I was pretty darn close to saying “yes” to you then? 

The heart boy, I tell you. The heart goes through life the hardest. My heart has been hugged and squeezed and loved and lied to and choked and broken all in a  vicious cycle. And had I known...had I known this is what could be done to something so near to my soul I would have protected it with all of my might and with all of my love.

T, I loved you more than I loved myself. I gave myself to you, I lost a part of my self only to still be suffering to gain a piece of it back. I just looked through our old photos. We used to be so happy, so alive. What happened? What changed? Why did you hurt me that way and how could I hurt you that way? 

I am truly sorry. Please forgive me while I learn how to forgive you. Please forgive me while I learn how to rebuild the pieces you broke and stole from me. I can definitely say that I have changed from our relationship, and in no way a good way. 

You see, I met a girl. And I want to love her with all of my might. I want to kiss her and be happy with her and dream with her. But maybe we aren't quite right and maybe we work better as friends and maybe I’m just not meant to love again because I just can't bring myself to love again. I can't open myself up to be receptive to anything really. I just want to be. I just want to make it through the day. For some reason I find that incredibly hard. Not living through the days only passing through, letting the days live me. Letting life live me. And what way is that to live?

9.29.16. Queen Kissi. 

[queenkissidiaries]

Abuse 101

Abuse is loving someone who uses that love against you. It is giving your whole self to another, only to have it crushed in the process and leave you with barely a name.

I have once abused. But I have mainly endured abuse, abuse from a lover and abuse from myself. I have allowed this to go on for way too long you see. I have allowed you to disrespect my body with your touch, your kiss, your look, your lips. I have allowed you get near and dear my heart only to have you break it. I have been my own abuser in this allowance.

And yet.

You are not off the hook young woman. You are not free from scrutiny and blame. You see you, young woman, you have the ability to take a strong, confident woman and make her believe she is stronger and more confident only to then break her to pieces. Young woman, I hope you ROT IN...

Actually, that would be me wasting too much energy on you. You see you take and take and feed off of my soul, off of my happiness but where does that lead you? Please tell me. 

I have never regretted and cherished an experience as much as I do mine with yours. You see at one point you made me feel special, happy, in love, foolish even. At one point I couldn’t even believe something like this existed and flourished. We were once so happy...

But then I started cheating. And you started hitting, and hitting, and hitting, and degrading, and punching, and cheating, and hitting some more. I was simply a rag doll for you to relieve all of your emotions on. And to think I introduced you to my family...

I was so stupid. Incredibly stupid. I will never allow a pair of hands to disrespect me again. Never. 

There are times when I felt like I shell of a person. There are times when I still do.

8.11.16. Queen Kissi.