Decades Under The Influence @queenofdablunts - Tumblr Blog

drunk and trying to figure out how to make it through life without my best friend who died for no reason

sometimes i get super sad when i think about it because i really thought we’d be friends for a really long time. but then i’m reminded of all the times i felt unsupported and all of the times i voiced feeling unsupported and how little effort i was met with. i think i was patient and with as difficult as the last year has been for me, i would’ve thought there’d be more care, but there wasn’t. no matter how long i was in line, i was never next on the list. it hurts because of all the beautiful memories i have to store away and so many years of conversations that i can’t even bring up or share anymore because they don’t even make sense. a closeness that hasn’t existed in such a long time, but it was a sisterhood bond that was never reciprocated and a feeling that won’t return. it’s frustrating because i spoke so many times about how this is why i end friendships, but there was always a better choice than me. this has probably been one of the most difficult things i’ve dealt with this year and i’m still so upset, angry, and hurt. it makes me sad to think about all of the things in our futures that we won’t be a part of together. but that’s what it is. i hate calling anyone my best friend because it really just leads the way to disappointment in people you care for the most.

#closure

talking about being depressed is rly hard and the only person i ever open up to is doug, but i’m at the point that i don’t want to burden him or worry him. will i ever be back in therapy?

so i’ve been p depressed my entire life but this last year was actually fairly awful. for the first time i really had thoughts of killing myself. i’ve had so many thoughts of just jumping off a building, to the point where it just fully consumed my thoughts whenever i got really depressed. so yesterday i took an uber to work and the driver says “oh you live here? do you know the guy that jumped off the garage?” i said no, he goes on to detail that the guy was one of his riders once and that he had a cast on his leg because he’d said he fell off the garage. the dude later confessed to the driver that he had actually intentionally thrown himself off. the driver then went on to say “who would do that? why would anyone want to just jump off a building? that’s honestly the most stupid way to do it.” everything inside of me went steel cold like i’ve never felt before. i haven’t thought about killing myself in a couple of months i’d say and i didn’t feel that way then either, but i felt so triggered and sad and anxious and just shaking. i nodded for the rest of the ride and immediately turned on classical music to calm myself down. i still can’t stop thinking about this interaction. doug thinks i should report him but i work for them and i know they won’t do anything. i know he didn’t mean any harm, i’m just hella fucked up.

#maybe i’ll go back to therapy #thots n thingz

currently working on a promotional project for Above & Beyond's LA stop of their Common Ground tour and I'm cc'd on an email with Jono Grant and this is literally the coolest thing I've ever done in my life and I just wanna squeal and then die

#trance baby raver whit is dying

there's no where else that I can talk about how things are going cos no space is holy anymore but I'm currently handling a fat sheet organizing artist tour dates and nothing has ever felt more right than this moment right now.

#I'm fucking up but I'm in the right place finally finally

I have to keep reminding myself that we can never be friends again because you've never supported me or my successes and I've always been willing to do anything for you as my friend but you can't/won't reciprocate that. You only support people whose aesthetic you like and if aesthetic is all you care about, that's p trash. You can't have or keep good friends if you're not a good friend.

#I really hope I get to tell you this in person one day cos I really feel like I'm owed an explanation