Lunch Break on Nauru and Facebook Comments
(Sequel to "Jaybird the Tour Guide")
While we were cooking up burgers on lunch break after the purple fart cloud hung over us, one of the Senior advisors, Dave, called us.
"Where are you guys?" Dave asked in his gruff voice.
"We're on Nauru, and we gained a LOT of new members recently since the cruise ship crashed on Specific Island months ago. A lot has happened, and unfortunately, a lot of records got corrupted from the explosion. I haven't really been able to keep up on the notes, so I guess we better make this a video meet," I said.
We all turned our cameras on.
So much had happened that I didn't record and put on public notice. Now was the opportunity for all of us to catch up. I assumed this was going to be a long lunch break. Today was going to be a cookout instead of a mere lunch break from touring the island of Nauru.
"It has been about a year since we had a proper meeting. Too many island explosions, cruise ship crashes, and even technical glitches from broken phones and even drowning phones that sunk to the bottom of the fucking Pacific Ocean," Dave said.
"Yeah. One of my phones even melted and blew up from mental abuse," I said.
"Mental and emotional abuse is a real killer, no doubt," Dave said.
One of our semi-new members who was the Animal Control guy called himself, "Keeper of Rats." He had 48 rats for pets that regularly joined meetings. They offered valuable insight and were, most importantly, cuter than Christmas. Lady Biselle was his favorite. She was soft with beautiful blue eyes.
Keeper of Rats joined the conversation and raised his hand. "There luckily isn't a lot of abuse on Nauru, unless you're talking about slave labor! Wow! This economy sucks! The island explosion brought us here! Isn't it wild?!" he asked as his soft brown eyes grew wider in disbelief. He had a big smile to hide his discomfort with the economy being terrible.
"Hi!" Nadella, my friend from high school, said with enthusiasm as she waved through the phone. She was with Dave. Apparently, there was a Secret Royal Society of Frustrated Men and Women happening in Atlanta, Georgia that we were not aware of.
"Nadella? How are you?!" I asked.
"Hanging in! Dave and I are up here leading the Atlanta Chapter of the Secret Royal Society of Frustrated Men and Women. I heard what happened on the cruise, and it was devastating. To be honest, we didn't think you would answer."
"I finally got service," I said.
"Yeah. We were offline forever!" Keeper of Rats said as his brown eyes were bugged out.
His children, white mice in white chef jackets and hats, were cooking burgers for everyone.
"D.M.M. here. Cassandra told me what happened. I had to come here and check on you guys!" D.M.M. the International Press Release officer shouted. He was originally from Australia. He was one of the people who caught Pete Shububu in his scams.
"Thanks, D.M.M.!" Keeper of Rats shouted.
"WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?! I gave you what you wanted!" Joseph screamed at a black cub who was growling at him.
"I see you guys bounced back?" D.M.M asked.
"Yes we did! We are warriors!" Keeper of Rats announced as he was chopping up lettuce heads. He then pumped his chef knife in the air.
"I really wish I could remove Zuckerburger's stupid intrusive quote unquote "Artificial Intelligence" from Facefail Messenger. Fuck me that dude is such a loser!" Neilos Duck shouted as he waited for his jalapeno slider burger with goat cheese with herbs and chives. He quacked as he was on his phone.
"I agree, dude! Fuck us he is a loser!" Dave shouted. "He accused me of promoting heroin when I was telling an anecdote about my old days as a musician. It's dumb. If they are going to judge, they should get some reading comprehension!"
"I second that!" Jaybird Haviarburger shouted as he slammed his spatula on the grill and splattered grease on the Animatronic Chicken Burger I ordered. Everything is gluten-free because Jaybird Haviarburger is allergic to gluten. I just needed to remind everyone.
For another reminder, my Animatronic Chicken Burger included: ground organic free range chicken, lettuce, tomato, jalapeno Monterey Jack cheese, meatmayo (chicken and tuna bits mixed with mayo), salt, pepper, bean sprouts, lima beans, green beans, a dash of cranberry sauce, a dash of yellow curry powder, Parmesan cheese, fried eggs, scrambled eggs, pico de Gallo, and four potato buns.
"I triple that!" I shouted as I was placing cheese on burgers.
"I hate when Artificial Intelligence isn't intelligent at all," Elaina, my new best friend and sous chef, said as she rolled her green eyes. She looked similar to me, but her hair was black.
"I loved Facebook at the start. My friends and I would connect, old friends and people I lost contact with since, like high school. And I made friends all over the world with common interests, like trance music for example. Now it's a cesspool of ads and scams and bots," Neilos Duck commented.
"I agree. In 2007, it was a place to connect with college and high school friends. Now? It's a cess pool of scammers and nonsense. Pete Shububu reconnected to me from there in February of this year," I said.
"Ugh. Is that why he was expedited into the group?" Joseph asked.
"Facebook is cancer!" Joseph shouted.
"It is certainly turning toxic," Jaybird said.
Chickens, ducks, and goats clucked, quacked, and bleated loudly, respectively.
An eagle flew over us and took a dump on Joseph.
"Let me do this!" Joseph shouted at the eagle.
The eagle then flew wildly and dropped white turds like it was a military plane over us. More eagles dropped white turds down on us and squawked. The leader shouted, "Death from above!"
A coo mooed dramatically for 15 seconds as she dodged the aerial attacks and smashed a cell phone over and over with her hooves.
Apparently, that cow hated Facebook and bird shit.
A parakeet squawked. "YouTube is better!" he shouted as he let out machine gun white and green fire over the watering hole.
"Great for comments," Rollo said as he munched on a turkey leg and tried not to laugh.
"YouTube comments are the backbone of YouTube!" Joseph shouted.
"It's ALL BULLSHIT!" Pauno shouted. He decided to stay for lunch.
"Yes. It is," Jaybird Haviarburger said. "I wrote that as the Zen of the Day on my Facebook status."
"I shared some ideas of starships we should build to leave Earth again. Why did we come back here?" Rollo asked.
"I'm still trying to figure that out," I said as I served him taco mac as a side dish. "By the way, the white queso on the macaroni does not consist of bird turds."
Rollo smelled the dish. "No. This is processed cow milk, which contains cooked blood and pus," he said.
"Food is definitely screwed up when you think about it," I said.
Chef Vanilla Mac appeared. He then shouted, "Duck and cover!"
The ducks and chickens ducked and covered their heads. Jaybird Haviarburger turned the grill off and quickly put the food back in the containers. Pigs, cows, and goats ate before they ducked. Joebear and I ducked and covered our heads with chef hats.
I saw a faint bright light in the distance.
Knight Paul the Goat got down on his knees and bleated a warning.
All of a sudden, a warhead hit Nauru. And then we flew into outer space without those ship designs.
"GEEZ I CAN'T EVEN HAVE LUNCH WITHOUT BLOWING UP!!!" Jaybird Haviarburger shouted as he flew in the air and held a spatula for dear life.
"Just another day of my childhood!" Joebear shouted with a growl as he was letting out deadly gas from being lactose intolerant.
"I'm zoning out," Pauno said as he flew. "Gas prices are too high. Keep farting, Joebear. Soothe that stomach."
Joebear was farting, and the farts were wetter. Eventually, a brown log left the bear's butt and landed on a duck.
"QUACK!" the duck shouted in protest.
"Oops. We were supposed to hit California and Hawaii," a guy with a big gray turban with a gold jewel in the middle of it said in a thick Persian accent. He was flying a bomber jet.
"I THINK YOU REALLY MISSED!" Neilos Duck shouted before he quacked repeatedly. He was flying in the air with a disgruntled face.
Ducks quacked deafeningly loudly. Knight Paul the Goat ran MIDAIR and hit the plane the turban-wearing guy was in.
"Well. We're at war. I wasn't expecting this to happen today!" Keeper of Rats shouted.
"I did," Captain King Tim Burton-Simmons said with a deadpan look.
"How do you figure?" Keeper of Rats asked.
"It always happens in these stories. If nothing stupid happened, that would be the surprise," Captain King Tim Burton-Simmons said.
"Good point. From what I read, nothing normal ever happens with you people," Keeper of Rats said.
"It really doesn't. I try, but it's never the case," Captain King Tim Burton-Simmons said.
"All hell breaks loose on a daily basis anymore," Rollo said as he floated in the air.
Cody barked as he flew over a rainbow. Max, Rollo's new Pitbull-Labrador mix, barked in conjunction as he flew behind Cody.
"I agree, Cody and Max. Raisin Bran would make this moment better!" Rollo said as he kept floating.
Joseph screamed. "Are those raisins or are those rat turds?!" he asked.
"I thought they were raisins," Rollo said.
"We're worried about raisins versus rat turds when we're floating in a bright light and being blown to smithereens?!" Captain King Tim Burton-Simmons asked.
"I am. I would hate to eat raisin-flavored rat turds!" Pauno shouted.
"Priorities. I'm concerned about eating rat turds instead of raisins and having byproducts of rat turds in my B-12 supplements. Call me crazy, but there isn't anything better to talk about while we are being molecularly modified," Knight Paul the Goat said as he also floated.
"Good of you to join us for lunch," I said.
Keeper of Rats was munching on a piece of lettuce from his burger. "Yes. This is an interesting conversation. Spoiler alert, those were rat turds in your raisin bran, not raisins," he said.
"I knew it," Pauno said in a monotone voice.
"Apparently rat turds are nutritious," Joseph said.
Rats chirped as they munched on their lettuce.
"WHAT?!" Captain King Tim Burton-Simmons shouted.
"Hello everybody this is Penn and Alexia from Off Grid Desert Farming..." Penn, a golden bear, said as he and his wife were floating next to us.
"I thought that show got cancelled!" King Bruce Ace shouted as he flew face first at us.
"It was, but I'm broadcasting anyway. Forget YouTube! Forget Facebook!" Penn shouted. "Please watch my channel on Rumble."
"Yeah, but they're necessary evils. How do we reach people otherwise?! Hardly anyone uses rumble," I said.
"Odyssee, TalkLife, Bluesky, and X. People use those," Penn said before his face melted.
"Gee, does anyone want to go snowboarding?" Patches asked.
"Nah. Fuck that. Grassboarding," I said.
Then I fell face first into a golf course right after I heard Donald Duck quack, "FOUR!" Then golf balls rained down. Then I got knocked down and heard Tubthumping by ChumbaWumba: https://youtu.be/rYGLrJhhbqM?si=DKh2zuzDVFIlSZUk.
Then as the swan sang, "Pissing the night away!," Donald Duck pissed on the golf course, and I floated down the golf course while being knocked out by golf balls. Grass ended up growing in my orifices. And Tubthumping was loud in my ears. And there was a flash of white light followed by the sound of an extremely wet fart.
