Entry #1:
I often find myself drifting into the dark corners of my mind when I think about the next intimate encounter I have with my gf. We havenāt been together for very long but every time we cross over into sex I avoid being on the receiving end. Itās not because Iām a ātouch me notā or anything like that. I just struggle with being that intimate with her. I enjoy pleasing her immensely yet when she hints at it being āmy turnā I wanna just crawl into a hole. The few times sheās tried to please me have resulted in me breaking down in tears completely. Something in me just breaks. The frustration of not fully knowing whatās āwrongā with me stays in the back of my mind as she tries to help me climax. Of course, with no success and I feel horrible and empty.
āHow can you know how to please others and not yourself?ā
A question that echoes loudly in my mind.
āHow did I get to this point?ā
Well, it kinda starts back with my previous relationship of 2.5 years. I was with a man and had intentions of marrying him but there were several glaring issues that kept me from being truly happy with him. The main two being our sex life and disrespecting boundaries. The man I loved and viewed as my best friend over time became someone that I started to despise.
Any issues and concerns that I tried to bring up were often thrown back in my face. Any time that Iād try to open up the conversation for him to voice any concerns heād say āno, I donāt have/canāt think of anyā. However, that was far from the case. As soon as I made a critique about something heād done that really bothered me heād start listing the issues he suddenly now has with me. After a while , Iād simply shut down when things bothered me or get angry. It felt like the only time he really ālistenedā was when Iād cry. The conversation would typically end with him apologizing, saying heād do better but his actions routinely feel short of any real change. I tried countless times to explain to him how things made me feel but it felt like talking to brick wall. Any boundaries I tried to set like no nudes or not asking my mom for my hand in marriage before meeting everyone in person were broken. The latter turned out to be my final straw with him and again, heād say that he didnāt see what the problem was or just get angry because Iām not āover itā yet even though he apologized. Even after the split, I still tried to be cordial with him but boundaries STILL werenāt respected. It took me months to realize that once he couldnāt get what he wanted from me, he would block me on social media. Only to resurface sometime later to start the same bs again. It was always under the pretense of just wanting to catch up with a friend. Only after realizing what was happening, did I actually block him on everything. Iām sad to admit that it wasnāt until after meeting my gf that I could delete the pics of him and I together. Why not sooner? The reason is simple. I was over being with him romantically but I had a hard time letting go of our friendship. It takes me a VERY long time to trust people so to lose someone Iāve known for 3 years hurt like hell.
Honestly, given my ānewā inability to receive pleasure from my gf, the sex turned out to be the biggest problem of all. It started off as fun and passionate (despite me not orgasming) yet slowly turned into me feeling like a sex doll. He would orgasm but never really asked me if I was okay or if I needed more time to orgasm. I remember breaking down in tears immediately after having sex and telling him that I felt empty because my pleasure wasnāt really ever considered. At this point, we had been together for a year. I definitely shouldnāt have waited so long to tell him that but he was the first guy I had been that intimate with and I was afraid of hurting his feelings. Eventually, those emotions did boil over and I think that was the beginning of the end of our sex life. Over the course of the next few months, we tried to spice things up with different positions and a couple toys here and there but nothing really worked for long. I think that this took a huge toll on his confidence. To the point where, he couldnāt ākeep it upā or orgasm at all. I started to feel even worse about things and internalized it as being completely my fault. It got to the point that I avoided sex and him for weeks or months at a time which wasnāt hard to do because of our hectic Army schedules and we didnāt live together. He would make little comments or jokes about how long itās been since we had sex. It had gotten to the point where we would argue about it. I just felt trapped. Fortunately, my time in the Army was coming to an end and I used my degree plan as a way to get out of the relationship without him realizing what the real reasons for me ending things were.
Fast forward a year and some change later, I met my gf. Sheās literally the best thing thatās happened to me since I left the service and now Iām afraid of pushing her away because of my issues having sex. She often tells me that itās ok and we donāt have to have sex if I donāt want to. āI like spending time and connecting with you whether sex is involved or not.ā I want to fully believe her when she tells me this. I REALLY do but my ex said something similar too and I saw how much it destroyed him not being able to please me over time. Iām just scared that sheāll eventually leave me or I push her away because I canāt figure this shit out. Even just writing this makes me feel like an emotional wreck. If anyone has any advice on what I should do that would be incredibly helpful.
Simply,
- M