[queerstories-blog]

Connect Four

Hi Mark, I really like the concept of your blog and I hope people start recognizing the blog and start sending stories. I also like reading personal stories from people and I'm really excited when people start sending their stories.

I'm going to replace all the names just in case.

I'm Ecuadorian and Chinese. It's pretty rare but my dad is Ecuadorian and my mom is Chinese. Because of that, I'm 5'9 and pretty fit since I play basketball from time to time and work out. I go to a public school somewhere in San Jose, California. Right now, I'm a senior but this happened last year during junior year.

Though I may sound really masculine, only a few people know that I tend to like guys. I mean people sometimes get the idea of it since I don't really act ghetto. In fact, I just found this out with this guy that I met during Junior year. His name was Leo. He was freshman in high school. As they call it, "Freshmeat". But I wasn't that mean. I'm actually more focused on my classes and all since senior year was getting closer.

I still remember every single bit of what happened to us since it ran so fast but yet, it was really, really...I guess I just really liked him a lot.

We have this thing in school that juniors would volunteer to guide freshmen kids through out the high school. I was part of the program and I had three kids with me and one of them was Leo. Leo was a really quite boy like he was always worried or something. 

The first day, I had talk with the three freshmen and we talked about how they liked the high school.

Me: Do you guys like the high school so far? Kelly: It's actually really nice but the food is not really good. Me: School lunch is never good anywhere anyway.

Then there was that awkward silence where no one had anything to say for like fifteen seconds.

Me: So you guys came from the same middle school? Kelly: Me and Patricia went to Moreland. Me: I went to Chaboya. Kelly: Wow really. Me: Yeah. Patricia: What race are you? Me: Ecuadorian and chinese. Patricia: Wow really. You got swag. I laughed. Kelly: Oh my god, I see your chink. Me: That's a good thing right? Patricia: Yeah. I'm Vietnamese and Lao.

From then, I noticed how Leo wasn't talking so I decided to pull him in. Me: How about Leo, what are you? Leo: Korean and Italian. Patricia: Oh my god, are you serious? Me: What middle school did you come from? Leo: I just came from Alaska. Kelly: He's really cute. Are you single? Leo: Yeah. Patricia: What kind of girls do you like? Leo: Uhm...

I looked at Leo and saw that he was really nervous of the girls asking him questions. I was thinking how tough it would be to be a new kid. Patricia and Kelly started asking him questions whether he liked white girls over asian girls and if he spoke korean. They just basically asked a lot of questions. And he was really cute. I've already dated a few girls but never a guy. I maybe some guys were attractive but not to the degree that I wanted to date them. But Leo was actually really cute. He was around 5'4, his eyes were Italian and the rest were Korean especially his hair.

We do a meeting once in a week. The second time, Patricia and Kelly were out since they had a volleyball game. So I was left with Leo.

Me: Do you like California so far? Leo: It's warmer down here. Me: Yeah, it must be really cold up there in Alaska. Leo: Snows pretty much everyday. Me: I guess you're gonna miss the snow? Leo: I'm gonna miss a lot of things up in Alaska. Me: Like what?

Leo started talking about his house and his friends. That he would often go to the park and sometimes to a good mall in Anchorage. He said that he loved it in Alaska but his parents were aching to move to mainland so he didn't really have a choice.

Me: Did you leave anyone special up there? Leo laughed and looked down and didn't answer. Then what I noticed that he pulled down his sleeves like he was hiding his arm. I mean, I knew what was the reason why he did that but I just didn't want to ask.

I would often see Leo walking by himself in the hallways. I would say hi to him and he would say hi back. One time, I saw him with a lot of books so I decided to help him.

Leo: It's okay. Me: No, it's okay. Leo: Thanks. Me: You've been adjusting pretty well? Leo: I guess so. Me: Doesn't sound like it. Leo: I mean it's okay. Me: Am I bothering you or something cause if I am, I can leave you with these heavy books. 

I started to joke with. I guess that's pretty much human nature for someone who's older than someone. So he chuckled and said it was okay. By then, I guess I noticed myself getting more interested in him. He was really cute and seemed to be really interesting guy by the fact that he doesn't dress like the usual kids in school and he was really seen with a group or anything. I then asked him who he sat with during lunch and he said no one. I then found out that we had the same lunch. He told me that the reason why I never see him at the cafeteria is because he goes to the library to eat his lunch.

The next day, during lunch, instead of going to my friends in the cafeteria, I went to the library to find Leo and I saw him with a book, alone in a table and eating a sandwich.

Me: Do you mind if I sit? Leo: Yeah sure. Me: What book are you reading? Leo: Med Head.

He told me that it was book about a kid that took a lot of medication and how it messed him up. I then remembered his arm and by that time, it wasn't covered all through. I then saw a slash or two on his arm. I then got the idea that maybe he has depression or something by the fact he's interested in books like Med Head. And by the fact that he was often alone, I was kind of building this fright that he might cut more for being a new kid in a new place.

Me: If don't intend to offend you or anything but, are those cuts on your arm? Leo looked at it started to rub it. Leo: Yeah. Me: I mean, I'm sorry if I asked. Leo: I'm used to it, don't worry. Me: So I guess you've been doing it for a while now. Leo: You can say that.

Leo was the type of guy that was pretty mature for his age. He was really reserved but he wasn't a shy type when you start a conversation. For that moment, I felt that I didn't have the right to say anything. I was kind of scared actually that I might offend him or something.

Leo: Am I scaring you? Me: Why would I be scared? Leo: Most of the time people get scared of me. That I might do something to myself or something. Me: Should I? Leo: Once someone cares for you, you can't do anything to stop it. Me: I mean, I am worried. Leo: So I guess you care. And I appreciate it.

Since that conversation with Leo, I've been thinking about him too often that usual. I started getting worried that he might cut himself any time second. I also started wondering why I did and what could be the reasons he did it. And by that time, I didn't know anything about him so, I mean, I knew I was starting to really like him even but, you know, I was just trying to restrain myself by the fact that, everything was going to fast.

So I decided to invite him after school to hang out at a park and get some food. Luckily, he said yes. So we met outside of the school and we took a bus to a park that I usually go to with my friends. On the way, we were just casually talking about how our days went and all.

When we got to the park, we went on the swings and started talking and just basically getting to know each other.

We would do this often until we got really close and more comfortable with each other. Every time we did, I would always ask him if he had cut himself recently and none of his answers had a yes in it. Eventually he got annoyed with it and stopped but he told me that he didn't really have any reason to by that moment.

I eventually found out he takes medication for his depression and that in Alaska, he was hospitalize for excessively hurting himself. His parents moved him to California after his treatment cause the reason why he become depressed is because of a relationship. He never really wanted to talk about it and I respected that. I also thought I've known enough.

Weeks passed, and the marking period was going to finish so projects and tests were all over the place. I offered him some help for anything in his projects since I already took his classes. He accepted the offer and one day, I went to his house to help him with his English project and along with some reviews for his other classes.

I met his mom and his dad and I noticed that they really took care of Leo. Leo didn't have any siblings while I had one older brother. So, we went to his room and noticed how it was filled with books and a very organized desk. It wasn't that big but it felt warm. He also had a cat and it was white and her name was Rachelle.

I started teaching him and stuff for about two hours. His family invited me to dinner and I had a good chat with his mom and dad during dinner. They were really nice and I could really tell how worried they were with Leo and how they Leo to be more comfortable with himself. I could also see that his parents were really glad that Leo made a friend.

After dinner, me and Leo went back to his room to just hang out since we were already finished with the school work. While he was doing his, I was doing mine so we were both finished with our homework. He asked me if I wanted to play connect four. "I have never lost a game in connect four." he said.

So we played and he was actually really good. We started shouting cause the game was getting intense. After like 5 games, he actually lost. I got really happy that I accidently kicked the connect four so the chips scattered around the floor. While getting everything, I accidently held his hand while getting the chips. I took my hand back and gave him a stare. His hands were cold and like a rock and it was like a, electric shock or something. He looked at me and smiled. That's when I started getting really nervous. I then took another chip on the floor and he took one that was close to him so our heads were really close to each other. We stared for a while until, we kissed. We then started kissing tenderly for like 30 seconds and we stopped.

Me: I'm sorry. Leo: It's okay.

He put back the chips and put back his connect four under his desk. He sat next to him on the floor and we just stared at the wall.

Me: You must've liked that girl a lot that made you cut yourself. Leo: He was a guy. Me: Can you tell me the story? If you don't mind. Leo: Well, he killed himself. Me: Oh...I'm really sorry. Leo: He was bullied in school. I just thought, I could've done something. I was his friend. And it was like, it was my fault. So I started hurting myself cause I felt like I deserved it. Me: I mean, it was his choice. Leo: I know. Me: Were you guys dating? Leo: Not anymore. Me: I'm sorry.

He then kissed me on my lips and smiled.

Leo: It's okay.

The following days me and Leo started talking and hanging out more often. The kissing would happen, sometimes more than kissing. But I don't really wanna get to that part.

As the weeks gone through, one day, while I was eating dinner with Leo's family, they told Leo that they got a call from LAHSA and that they're interested of letting Leo in the school since Leo was an artist. They told me that when they were planning to move to California, they've been trying to find a good high school for arts for Leo. But since with Leo's history of depression and hospitalization, his files were on pending in the LAHSA.

I got really upset and I saw Leo got upset as well. everything was starting really good with us and I actually really liked him. And when we actually started talking about him moving to Los Angeles, that's when I felt that I really loved him and that I realized how everything was getting really deep and that I might not be able to take it in.

We went to his room and I hugged him right away and started to tear. I was thinking of how everything's going to change and how it's gonna be hard.

Me: I'm going to miss you...a lot. I love you. I don't know what's gonna happen to me when you leave to Los Angeles. Leo: I'm still thinking about it though. Me: No...no Leo. Don't let me get in your way for your dreams.  Leo: What do you mean my dreams. Can't I just pursue my dreams here? Stop crying. I'm not leaving. Me: You're going to have a better future there. I don't want me to stop you from getting it. I don't want you to take me as a priority. And you know, besides, I'm a junior. I'm leaving for college in two years. It's just the same thing.

I didn't want Leo to put me as his first priority. I knew that by that time, letting go of him was going to be the best for us.

That night, I slept over at his and we made love all night. It was perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever felt in life being with someone that made me really happy. He started crying by the last minute and I just hugged him as tight as I could.

Three days after, Leo flew to Los Angeles. We knew that our relationship was getting to a perfect one so tried our best to stop ourselves from getting a taste of it during his last days in San Jose. I told him that talking on the phone would be too hurtful since my mindset was that, there might be no chance of us of being together again. And that Leo will have a better life down in Los Angeles doing what he loves.

A year had passed, which is now, little by little, we started calling each other and texting each other. He's now dating a new guy but he tells me that no one can ever replace me. Right now, I'm doing my best to get good grades as a senior and also dating a very special guy. But no matter what happens, I'll never forget Leo and what he taught me in life and how much we loved each other.

I hope you guys, including you Mark, liked my story.