Questing for Eternity

quietly trying to find my place in God's plan

[questingforeternity]

it's been a while since I posted here but I figure I might as well:

I am an asshole: I hate weddings. I love that people get married and live fulfilled lives, but I hate all the expectations and stress around weddings. I'm pretty sure I'm also carrying around the pain of my own -- my mother behaved *terribly,* so I get a little jealous/sad at other weddings where the parents of the bride and groom are polite and civilised (which is all of them, so far). I'm grateful to my friends for shielding me from the worst of it, but I really think that day has caused a pretty solid rift in my life.

Also, so many weddings focus on things that matter so little -- the favours, the decor, the way everyone is dressed, etc; I thought I was well-equipped to handle that aspect. But I struggled SO hard with interpersonal things.

. . . tl;dr, other peoples' weddings give me flashbacks to my own and I'm still hurting a good bit

[by-grace-of-god]

[questingforeternity]

things people don’t tell you about being married:

- your worst nightmares are of your spouse suddenly dying - all of a sudden you like love stories if you really didn’t before - you WILL wait around like a sad puppy waiting for your spouse to get home from literally anything (work, a trip, etc)

[questingforeternity]

I’m finally starting to surrender to Jesus all the hurt and pain and sore spots surrounding my wedding with regard to how my parents (specifically my mom) acted. It’s still a little anxiety-inducing to think about, but by now it really just hurts in pangs more than causes breakdowns.

And the worst part? she still hasn’t acknowledged that she was ever rude, wrong, overbearing, mean . . . any of those things. She was all of them, in turns, for about three days. I was miserable. I wanted to be happy on my wedding day, but I was really just feeling terrible for having made her so upset at me.

[questingforeternity]

not gonna lie, the whole ‘we won’t know until God Knows When if we’ve got funding for Oxford’ nonsense is killing me with suspense okay

please pray we get it? I’d like to see Husband flourishing, and the doctoral track seems to be the only way for that. (He loves teaching and researching. Eventual tenure will be so good for him.)

[alwaysabeautifullife]

Pray for me I’m having very unpleasant side effects to medication and it’s making me barely functional

[questingforeternity]

. . . I . . . am trying not to feel guilty, or to project, or to suggest that my solutions will help, or to rub it in when other people are having trouble in their marriage and mine is still really flipping awesome

nota bene, it’s been just over 3 months, so. it ought to be taken with some salt* but it’s still awesome

*but in like the “take this with a grain of salt” and not the “you should be salty about it” way

[questingforeternity]

two months and a bit married life update:

it’s still freaking awesome

at the core of it we’re still our same old best friends: nerds and co-conspirators who love each other, our friends, and committing to ideas

but now we’re like. roommates? but for life? so anything that’s mildly frustrating or annoying or whatever we just gently bring up like “hey, dear, this thing, it kinda makes me feel this way, can we talk about it” and then it’s talked about and it’s no hard feelings because it’s really not personal, it’s growing together

I do have to be better about keeping myself accountable for things I ought to do, and I’m working on that. not as hard as I should be, but I am working on it.

[smallmanbigplans]

i am a small cat and god is just picking me up by the armpits

[questingforeternity]

holy people: Lord, Thy will be done, always and in all circumstances. May I never do anything apart from Your most holy will

me: look, Jesus. This is not what I had in mind. Frankly, I think Your idea sucks. But whatever. It's fine I guess.

[questingforeternity]

it’s official, my mom almost strictly calls me on tuesdays or thursdays to chat

those are days that Husband is gone, and she knows that

I think that’s kinda underhanded tbh

[questingforeternity]

I haven't posted in a while but I thought I'd touch base and let everyone know that we got married about three weeks ago and it's p great so far

and my newish spiritual director is my pastor, actually, and I love how he works and thinks

also I feel so ... free? all my actual major life choices are basically settled now. the rest is in God's hands, and He is supremely competent and loving.

[questingforeternity]

below the break because it’s mildly gross and personal (gross like nauseating)

in case anyone wants to know how sweet my fiancé is: he brings his phone to me whenever he gets texts to the groomsmen group text that he made because they’re pretty much entirely supportive and excited and I need to see it a lot

[questingforeternity]

please pray for me

i am intensely frustrated and hurt by what’s going on in my family

to the point where my immediate reaction is ‘find a creative way to stop existing’

and this is really new for me? I’ve never felt this way before, and I HATE it, and I want my brain back, and I want my mental health back, and I just want this wedding to have passed already so that I could be married and living a happy and healthy life with my best friend

[hometeamadvantage-deactivated20]

Please seek a compatible mental health counselor. You and your health matter very much and I’m praying and hoping that you experience a swift recovery. But, sometimes we all have to take a few steps in a positive direction to make that happen

[questingforeternity]

I promise I have a therapist and have an appointment with her

[questingforeternity]

please pray for me

i am intensely frustrated and hurt by what’s going on in my family

to the point where my immediate reaction is ‘find a creative way to stop existing’

and this is really new for me? I’ve never felt this way before, and I HATE it, and I want my brain back, and I want my mental health back, and I just want this wedding to have passed already so that I could be married and living a happy and healthy life with my best friend

[questingforeternity]

not to be ungrateful or anything but holy shit why is getting married such a gorram hassle and a half

everything from my family accusing me that “you’re not spoiling yourself enough” to having to work out stupid logistics like cake and flowers and invitations and for the love of all that is holy i do not care

i love throwing and planning parties but not at ALL on this scale; there’s a reason I don’t do this professionally

and don’t get me started on trying to figure out the logistics of a bridal shower i’m downright dreading that one

[questingforeternity]

at long last

I have been looking for someone to be an even-remotely-stable spiritual director for well over a YEAR now

and ... I asked my pastor, actually. Geographic. First meeting was today!

. . . and since I work at a Catholic school, I have zero excuse, at all, to not do my homework (I like homework from spiritual direction): half an hour. a day. with Jesus. every day. (basically: make prayer a habit.)