sometimes i think about a version where dean knew not only about the deal but also what will trigger it so he and cas start hooking up and NOT talking about their feelings. it is not emotionally or physically fulfilling or satiating sex AT ALL but it’s more than they’ve ever had before. this is the most selfish thing dean’s ever done, being with cas (sort of) while manipulating him and breaking both their hearts the entire time. because it means cas will stay. ouroboros of misery.
they’ll hook up and dean will immediately leave afterwards. dean only kisses cas when cas has NOTHING else going for him. maybe when jack is gone or something. one time they forget everything about the loaded gun that’s always pointed at them and start to have fun and get close to experiencing actual joy when cas panics so dean starts to rip into him. dean would initiate this whole thing by being like this is just for fun it means nothing to me lol. you’re just convenient (meanwhile internally he’s thinking i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself but i need this so badly.) and cas just goes along with it, still terrified so he’s completely closed off during all their interactions pleading…if i can lock my heart from him and not be present in our time together maybe i’ll get to be with him again.
CHAPTER V: He's Still Alone There Dying
“‘I said, ‘You are gods, even sons of the Most High, all of you nevertheless, like humans, you will die, and fall like any prince.’” Psalm 82:6-7. (Or, the Winchester-Kline-No Last Name's collective terrible, no good, very bad day.)
