Run. Run In The Other Direction

Seriously, just go the other way.

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Post 12

I like that I get no notes because it means either no one who I know will likely see them or everyone hates me and they are assisting me in dying of crushing lonliness.

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Post 11

Him thinks that Him is too good for me. Him found it hilarious to talk to me in front of his friends. Him knows Him would never even consider a girl like me. Him probably thinks I like Him. Him would be dead wrong but it doesn’t matter because Him doesn’t act like that to any of my friends and I don’t matter. I’m done complaining to my friends about Him because they don’t care, maybe because Him is “hot”.

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Post 10

I've been to paradise. The words sound foolish, even impossible, but it's true. I have been to paradise. There was everything I could have dreamed of, but more than I could imagine. The only thing that didn't belong was me. I tainted this perfect world. I was too loud, too quiet, not enough. Everyone said they love me, everyone says they love me, but I simply do not belong. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be a better person, once I shed my shameful secret, once I change my habits, once I'm wiser. Then I'll run back to you and get hugs from you, my family.

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Post 9

Empty, empty, it all seems so empty Empty smiles when passing in the hallway, I’m sorry I can barely move the corners of my mouth any more, Empty promises that She and I would stay friends, Empty stomach that will never be satisfied, Empty recitations of Hamilton lyrics Falling from my mouth like a computer algorithm Empty laughter, convulsing my whole body, The way Him hurt me and I hated every moment Empty promises of new friendship Filled with my expectation But doomed to shatter before my eyes Empty schedule Filled to the brim with useless tasks But wasting every moment Empty hours Sitting on the train, all alone Empty words, filled with complaints And overrepeated stories While I forget the secrets I need to share And anything valuable I could say As I begin to realize I’m going nowhere Empty heart, because I know I have no one to give it to Empty heart, because I’ll never appreciate what I have I try to fill my empty heart with despicable acts Like an empty stomach with chewing gum But I don’t see anything but emptiness

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Post 8

She never cared. She never wants to talk. She’s always distracted by something more important than me or someone She’d rather hang out with. I know I promised to hold on to our friendship, but if She doesn’t care, maybe I should move on.

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Post 7

No matter where I am, I always need to censor myself. I can't share all of my secrets, even here, because someone might recognize me. I don't know why I'm always so afraid, no one even reads these.

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Post 6

If my friends were the five W’s, I wouldn’t even be how, I’d be which.

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Rummaging Through My Notes Folder Part 3

Floaters I'm a floater. A social floater. I am afraid to stay with one friend group. Afraid that they won't really like me. Afraid that I'll put my trust in them and they'll abandon me. But maybe it's good. Maybe we're smart, us social floaters, that we can see the foolish and smart ways of the groups we float between. Maybe it's the worst. Maybe it's because we feel like we'll never belong. Maybe it will cause us to never make strong friendships. I'm trying. I'm trying to tie myself down.

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Post 5

I never say anything important. I'm bad at conversation. I am only good for random bad jokes. This is why I can't keep any friends. I have friends but they'll all be gone soon. No one really likes me. I don't contribute to anyone's life. I better change or I might as well just die now.

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Post 4

I love the rain. I love the way it washes away the oppressive heat. It's nice to let go of my umbrella and let the rain fall on my face. I love the cold and chilly winds that sweep through my jacket and make me shiver. I love the cold, damp air, that gives me the sniffles. I love the rain that falls into my eyes and down my cheeks. I love how the rain makes me cry. Tears I won't let myself produce, sniffles no one will question, shivers of sadness and lonliness. The rain cries for me, staging a scene on my face. I look up into the sky in hopes of something new. But I know No one can see me cry I let tears stream down my face I sniffle and shiver But I have comfort in knowing I'm alone with the rain

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I Thought That I Posted This Before But Here Is Rummaging Through My Notes Folder Part 2

To questionable-musings crying at lunch about 3.5 years ago You will never win this battle, but that doesn't mean you weren't right. Everything you've feared is true. Everyone loves them and no one cares about you. ----- may or may not be on your side, but she's just content to laugh at everyone who's crying. You may not have noticed through your tears but look, she's over there, and she doesn't care. If she's not here to comfort you, you know that no one will stand with you. Not even Ms. ----- will understand your point of view. Ms. ------- will take their side as well. You know that they are her teacher's pets. You've been denying it this whole time, pretending that you can prove that everyone secretly loves you more. But, you know what? You can't prove it because it's not true. Everyone just wants you to shut up and stop crying. Except for ----- who wants to laugh at it. I don't know why the three of them are crying. Maybe it's because they know they'll get sympathy and they won't look like the traitors they are. And the truth is, a She or a another Clique Member crying is much more sympathy worthy than you crying. Why? Because they're cuter than you. I could go on and on about the things you could change but this isn't my point. My point is that you've dug yourself a hole. You could either continue to argue or kiss up to them. If you continue to argue, just be honest because you have nothing to lose. Tell Ms. ------- that they have abandoned the friendship that you thought you had but don't argue that the tables should be changed. It's much too late to fix anything if you've decided to keep fighting. But you won't win anything that way. No one else is against them. No one hates the Clique girls. If you kiss up to them, they might let you back in. You can pretend nothing ever happened and soon, they might even forget. They always have conflict, anyway and you might be able to keep good company with ------, the only other non-brown Clique girl. The only thing is that they'll probably hang out without you outside of school sometimes and you'll have to pretend it doesn't bother you. And sometimes they might speak another language in front of you. Oh, and of course, no guy will like you at all during the next few years, while tons of guys will like them, because they're cuter. So don't get jealous. And you'll never be as good of a Clique girl as the rest of them, but you can try really hard, if you want. If you can keep your jealousy in check, the second option sounds great but it's a lot of work. You'll need a friend group for junior high, anyway, and they seem like the best option for a girl like you.

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Post 3

I should leave They alone. They has cared too much about me for me to put They through this.

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Rummaging Through My Notes Folder

(Slightly altered) Dear They, Eight years ago: You were seven. I was six. We became best friends. I wrote in my notebook. You were one of eight best friends. Six Years Ago: My first crush. I told you who. And we made The ------ ---- To keep it a secret. Everyone always had a crush. Five Years Ago: I was nine. You were ten. My second crush. I told you. I trusted you. I obsessed again. Four Years Ago: I was ten. You were eleven. We made ----- ----- To keep it secret. You told Everyone. He didn't Like me. I trusted you. You told me He liked someone else. Everyone liked She. Three Years Ago: I was eleven. You were twelve. So was She. She was a friend. I told you I had a crush. So did you. You told them both In science class. You kissed your crush. He liked you back. Mine didn't. Two Years Ago I was twelve. You were thirteen. I told you one last time. I don't know why. Did it even matter? You always told everyone, But you were my friend. You told him. I wasn't surprised. He didn't like me. I wasn't surprised. One year ago: I was thirteen. You were fourteen. You sent me a paper With my name And a heart. I tried to Destroy it. I thought you were making A mockery Of all the secrets You've shared. But you Liked me. You were The first person And the only person To like me. And I didn't like you back. Two Weeks Ago: I couldn't tell you I couldn't email you Or call or text I could only tell my diary I need to hide my diary But I have a new crush A dangerous crush A crush that is being strained Pulled taught By the insurmountable Distance The hour of time The hundreds of miles And the plane tickets The time And the explanation Only you would understand

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Post 2

Him would bother me every day. Him would insult my race, jokingly. I would laugh and giggle, which annoyed me more than anyone else. Him was the worst part of my days, every day, for all of last year. Yes, it may be true that I allowed Him to do it, and I let Him think it was okay, but I told She the awful things that Him said to me. There was a new offense every day. I was such a minority, I felt targeted. Maybe I was exaggerating about how bad it was, but I never lied to She about how bad I felt or what Him said. And yet, She felt the need to care that Him was "very attractive." Of course, I got She to admit that Him had a lot of problems, but She still cared. She didn't care about how hurt I was by Him's words. Neither does anyone else. No one would say those things to them, in such a targeting fashion. No one would say they were excusable, because of any percieved "hotness". Because they have the nice wide cushion of the "brown community" or "Asian community" to fall back on. Apparently, Him is only such an asshole to me. I don't know why. I could be overreacting, he could just hate me, he could just find my race hilarious, he could be so incredibly shallow that he hates my ugly face, I don't know. But I'm powerless, and at least it's over now. Tl;dr Him is an asshole who constantly joked about my race; She doesn't care, neither does anyone else.

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Post 1

She was perfect She was nice She was smart She was pretty She was popular She had the Clique She had the boys I was jealous I was far from perfect I was nice enough and smart enough I was not pretty or popular I wanted the Clique and the boys She and I are to be Best friends forever But She will always be perfect Be nice and smart and pretty and popular and in the Cliques Have the boys And I will never have or be those things And I am doomed To be forever jealous Because I'm a bitch But She will be happy And I would never tell her Because that would be even worse To rest the weight of my jealousy on her She doesn't deserve it And I deserve the pain and suffering Of my evil emotions

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Hello

I'm making this as a little experiment. I'm kind of bucket-listing right now and I want to say things that have been bouncing around in my head, some for years, that I never really say. I doubt anyone will read anything I write, or that if they do, they'll care, but you can stick around for some weird diary/blogish stuff if you want. Only once I let go of the past can I move forward.