Based on this post @gayusoctgayvius and I decided to collaborate in order to create the Sullarius post this site needs. I wrote the text and the super talented @gayusoctgayvius made the illustrations!
Gaius Marius watched the camera as if it might attack him at any moment. Lucius Cornelius Sulla sighed deeply.
“It’s not going to work if you just stare at it, you know?” he said and leaned back against the wall next to Marius. He could not believe that he had had to come to Marius’ house for this. The old general crossed his arms.
“I just don’t see why this is necessary.”
Sulla rolled his eyes. They had had this talk approximately ten times in the last two hours.
“You want to be elected consul, right?” It was like talking with a child.
“Yes, of course” answered Marius who already knew where this was going. “But I was elected consul before. Quite often, if I may say so. And I’ve never had to take a strange picture before!”
Marius shook his head, still not convinced. Sulla silently cursed himself for even suggesting that he and Marius could go for a joint consulship. The old oaf would definitely ruin it with his irrational fear of everything new. But they had already told a significant amount of people about it, including Julia, Marius’ wife, who had beamed so proudly because of their effort to “finally be friends again” that there was no turning back now. Sulla took a deep breath and tried to change his strategy.
“So, remember your military reforms?” he started. Marius nodded.
“The Roman Army won battles before that, right? The Punic Wars, for example.”
“Yes, correct. What do you want to tell me?” asked Marius who was in a more agreeable mood now as he liked it when they talked about his accomplishments.
“Yet you still changed something! Why did you do that?”
“Well, these were different tim- ah. You have me there.” Sulla raised his fist in triumph. Marius, however, was not quite ready to accept defeat.
“Yes, but my reforms were actually necessary. I don’t understand how taking a picture of myself could help me – help us – become consul!”
“Just believe me that it is necessary! Look, I did it too!” said Sulla and moved to show Marius the selfies he had already taken. They all showed Sulla in various sexy poses wearing varying quantities of clothing. Marius looked at the pictures, at Sulla and back at the pictures.
Sulla shuddered at the thought. Then he regained his senses and gestured wildly.
“You don’t have to take your pictures exactly the same way I did! We cannot all be as hot as me.” Sulla shrugged nonchalantly and Marius nodded in agreement.
“Well, what kind of picture should I take then?” he asked and Sulla tried his best to come up with a swift answer. It was already a victory that Marius had agreed to take a selfie at all. Now, he must not ruin it.
“You have to do something that the people will recognize and remember. Be creative!”
“You know I’m not creative. I mean, at least not in that area.”
Sulla gave him an exasperated look and Marius held up his hands in surrender.
Gingerly he picked up the camera and held it at arm’s length away from himself. Sulla shook his head.
“You have to hold it the other way round. So you can see the screen.”
Marius was clearly uncomfortable at this point.
“I can’t do it when you’re watching!”
“Gods!” cried Sulla and turned around to face the wall. “Are you happy now?”
“Yes!” A short pause. “Sorry.”
“It’s alright. Just do it.”
Sulla heard Marius fumbling with the camera and muttering to himself. Then finally he heard the clicking sound that told him that Marius had finally managed to take a picture. He turned around and saw Marius critically looking at the screen.
“Have you managed it?” asked Sulla.
Marius looked up and shrugged.
“I don’t know how to look at the pictures I’ve taken. But it’s probably fine.”
He put the camera back on the table. Sulla was not convinced but before he could ask further questions Marius moved towards the door.
“Well, I’ll go to the Campus Martius now. Have fun taking your selfies. But if Julia sees you, I’ll throw you off the Tarpeian Rock.”
“Yes, general” said Sulla and saluted half-hearted. Marius shook his head and left. As soon as he was out of sight Sulla checked the pictures.
And it showed nothing but Marius’ giant eyebrow.
Sulla closed his eyes and ordered some wine.
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