QUIET FRACTURES

Here I write and share my attempt at the personal and creative - that which seeps quietly from the fractures of my pride, my mind, my mistakes, and sometimes my success.

[quietfractures]

Turned Toward Thee

I have oft turned my face from thee not in rebellion, but in shame and regret, believing that if it were seen, I would be set aside and forgotten.

The weight of thine eyes was too much for my my own blindness born of feeble faith.

I kindled my own fires with small sparks that gasped for life in the dark and made me feel alone and never warm.

But there Thou art, still waiting in the stillness. Not angry, just there, like always when I’ve forgotten, and hid my face from thee.

And when I finally let myself look I saw both the boy you made and the man I could one day be.

And the space between us hurt more than the shame I thought I could carry alone.

There was no flinch, no hesitation, no judgment, no declaration of disdain. But only open arms, and gentle hands, and eyes that truly see what I cannot know, and a voice to sing the songs I cannot sing. A voice that says to me, let me fill what you cannot, let me hold what you will not, And let me light, what you cannot see. So broken and cold, and tired and weak, I leave my sparks to thee, the One, who has never forgotten, or turned their face from me. I turn to Thee, to look upon Thy face, and know that Thou hast never despised, rejected, or esteemed me not, and ask that Thou will hold my face within Thy loving, scarred hands, and not let me turn my face from thee.

[quietfractures]

Goodbye, Love

In a sacred room was a ring and a vow and twenty years of then and now

And there were photos in frames and familiar names, and the sound of laughter from ever-afters.

And there were shoes by the door, and socks on the floor, and dinner plates, I never did hate

And clocks on the wall that saw it all.

Goodbye vows. Goodbye rings. Goodbye all those little things.

Goodbye to our soft bed. Goodbye to the words unsaid.

Goodbye to dreams we never made. Goodbye to love that slipped away.

Goodbye, to the gentle look in her eyes. Goodbye, happy cries.

Goodbye quiet, goodbye storm. Goodbye comfort, goodbye warm.

Goodbye, house that held our years. Goodbye, echoes of our tears.

Goodbye, moonlight on her face. Goodbye, silence in her place.

Goodbye, hope we’d make it through Goodbye, me. Goodbye, you.

[quietfractures]

Take Me Home

By Adam Clark

Take me away like the waters here in the river that flows before me. Take me away like the wind in my face and all the rain that it carries. Take me away with the sun in the sky that's falling down before me.

Take me away like the stars up above that slowly fade in the morning. Take me away like the sun shining high that chases nighttime away. Take me away with the man in the moon that goes to sleep when you're waking.

Take me away to the depths of your sleep so I can know all your dreams. Take me away like the view takes your breath when you're standing on top of the world. Take me away with the pain on your face and all the tears that it causes.

Chorus: You take me home with a look in your eye and a touch of your hand. I see you smile and I'm home. With you, I'm always home.

[quietfractures]

I AM A MAN

By Adam Clark

I am a man

Drowning in his fear,

His sadness,

And what spills from his broken heart.

I am a man

Grasping for any hope

Of being saved

From this slow sinking

Into the depths of a sea of grief.

I am a man

Gasping for air

As I lose strength

And the struggle

To stay afloat

In a sea too large and deep.

I am a man

Quietly doing all of this

In my mind

While holding still,

Eating alone,

Sleeping alone,

Working alone,

Doing all the things expected

Of a man.

I am a man

Who knows

No one is coming

So I cannot quit

Because I am a man.

I am a man,

And my calls for help

Are a burden,

A flaw,

An inconvenience,

A turn off

And a liability.

I am a man.

Please pardon my splashing,

My grasping,

My gasping,

And my sinking

In silence.

[quietfractures]

Ruins

I took a walk up a mountain to a perfect meadow where the grass grew perfect green along a perfect mountain stream. I found the ruins of an old home and stood upon the old cornerstone to look out upon the scene. What a scene it must have been daily for those who once lived within this house in this beautiful place. I wondered at the lives lived here the moments of noise and laughter, and the quiet and sleeping minds in dreams. I wondered at the tears fallen from tired and hurt hearts down their faces and onto the once clean floor and the gentle hands that wiped them away. I wondered at the cries of babes, laughter of children, the quiet prayers said, the books read, the love expressed and shared. Then, I wondered at what befell it all.

Where did it all go? The laughter, the singing, the talking the sleeping the praying, the loving, the quiet fire of a family wrapped together in love and care and trying. Where did it all go? the warm meals, the warm baths, the chores, the resting, the dreams the life born of love. Where did it all go? The fighting and making up, the sorrys and hugs to forgive, the belief in each other, the love that grows old and beautiful to match the beauty of the place that it once called home. I sit upon that ruined home, that sad lonely, unweighted cornerstone, and look out upon that place where dreams began that we once called home. And can no longer call it such, because with you I was always home, and no foundation stone or dream or memory or beautiful scene can seem to bring you back. And so I sit with that ruin, and love that place mourning with it, the loss of beautiful things, the loss of home, and share my ruin with it.

[quietfractures]

You.

It was always you.

It was you

that woke up in the night,

that bathed their bodies,

that rocked them to sleep,

that packed their stuff for trips

that bandaged their wounds

and held them in your arms

to heal their hearts.

It was always you.

It was you

that cooked our countless meals

that did our laundry,

that cleaned our home,

that prayed with us,

that gathered us for scriptures,

and put us in Christ’s arms

to heal our souls.

It was always you.

It was you

that made me laugh,

that held my hand,

that soothed my tics,

that offered forgiveness,

that bore my burdens,

and put me in your arms,

to heal my everything.

It was always you,

and I’ve seen it all.

I see so clearly how you 

are the heart

the soul,

the everything

for them, for us, for me.

And it will always be you.

[quietfractures]

The Slow Death of Love

The slow death of love never lets go.

It grasps the soil of life like the roots of a dying plant, with all on top slowly withering, but all the while fighting so hard beneath the surface.

They warn you to be careful how you rescue a drowning man.

He might, in his panic, take you with him, drowning you both against both of your wills.

I have long been drowning In a sea

And I panic, sensing death coming.

I flail, hoping it grabs attention And saving help,

But it only grasps that help And drowns us both. I cannot be saved.

And I’m not sure, but it’s likely my fault.

And while I sink to the bottom, It becomes clear that I should have let go

And at least saved one of us.

But then, only I carry guilt to the bottom.

And become twice drown.

Once by water, and once by shame.

[quietfractures]

Drifting

I am not ready.

I have not done enough.

I float like driftwood in a flash flood,

Half drowned, but not allowed to sink

Because it is not who I am.

But still I am not steering,

Nor where I used to be.

I am not the living branch now.

Do I have life still left inside, to bear new root,

And am I wrong about what I am?

Or am I at the worst, right...?

[quietfractures]

I Am Never

I'm a blade of grass

In a field full of flowers.

I'm a white cloud

In a stormy sky.

I'm the tree that survived

The forest fire.

I'm the first drop of rain

On the sidewalk before it pours.

I'm a single ray of sun

You cross as you walk into the day.

I'm a poem written

But never read.

I'm the last book in a series

That will never be finished.

I'm the second to last level

In your favorite game.

I'm a favorite family recipe

That's been lost and forgotten.

I'm the one remaining sock

That you never wear, but never get rid of.

I'm a joke you tell

Where you forget the punchline.

I'm the joke you have to explain

Because it's not actually funny (I think?).

I'm poorly placed punctuation,

That confuses the meaning of the sentence.

I'm a song with that catchy verse

Without a chorus worth remembering.

I'm a jar of delicious food

Buried and forgotten at the back of your fridge.

I'm the produce you intended to eat,

But never got around to using.

I'm the app you downloaded,

But never used and still won't uninstall.

I'm a magazine subscription you paid for

Just to help that local kid raise money.

I'm the new years resolution you set every year

But will never get to.

I'm the vacation you dream of,

But will never take. 

[quietfractures]

Anger

How can I feel this much anger.

It's just a stupid romance movie.

But then there it is,

That bad taste,

That lump in my tight throat,

That sickness in my stomach...

You know, that feeling you get when something is just wrong.

Like anticipation, but dread.

You want to rewind it,

tear it up,

and erase the memory.

Maybe cause it reminds me,

Of so much of what I miss,

What I want,

What I don't have,

Or of what I'll never have.

So much wrong,

But what I find myself hurting from

Is that I'm jealous.

No one has ever felt that way about me.

Still.

And that hurts.

[quietfractures]

Your capacity to love others is directly related to your ability to forget yourself and untie your heart from outcomes.

[quietfractures]

Falling

It's turning Spring. But inside I am falling.

What should be growing and blooming, Is slowing, fading, and turning down.

The soft falling of the leaves of love, The slow fading of the green grass from grief of the summer passing and an acknowledgement that cold is here, that my heart will now sleep.

But I must remember, This is not death, just fall. That winter will come, and then a new spring will come. And instead of feeling dread because I wanted and expected spring, then summer, I must open my eyes and see the explosion of the fall colors that are only beautiful because they hold on In the midst of fading, of slowing, and in a drifting to sleep. So I close my eyes, reset my mind on falling, and reopen them to see a beautiful good-bye.

[quietfractures]

ARRESTED

My heart has been arrested And accused of things it didn't do. But I'm guilty. I'm guilty not for my heart, But because it has failed to connect With the rest of me. I'm angry. For being blamed. For being judged. For being punished. I'm angry. Because I've done my best, Put my whole self into this, Used everything I had. And it wasn't enough. I'm tired. Of feeling helpless, Hopeless, Inadequate, Lonely, And empty. But I am, Empty. I have no more levels. I have no more sources. I have no more places, People, Purposes, Or power. I am wasted and worn out. I am weak and unable To rise Alone. Yet here I sit alone, Arrested.

[quietfractures]

The end of the Oquirrhs. The big mountain is Flat Top Mountain - the south anchor of the Oquirrh Mountains in Utah. The smaller ridge in front of it is "Long Ridge."

[quietfractures]

Oregon Coast in 2000. Seems crazy this was 23 years ago.

[quietfractures]

If I Were a Shepherd

Written: November, 2023

On that night, If I had been a shepherd, would I have believed? Would I have gone to see? Would I have felt that I was good enough, to kneel before the babe, the Savior of my soul?

On that night, if I had been a wise man, would I have seen the star? Would I have gone to see? Would I have put aside my life, to go and find my Lord? And what gifts would I have put before him?

On that night,  if I had been an angel, would I have joined the singing? Would I have helped announce? Would I have rejoiced, because jesus had descended, to save us all?

It is not that night, and I am not a shepherd, nor a wise man, nor an angel.

But I can go and see, and kneel before him in sacred prayer. And I can find him, and put my gifts before him in willingness of heart. And I can sing and rejoice, for I know that I am good enough, because He came, and became the Savior of us all.

[quietfractures]

I love the #christmas season.