QuillCat

This was my mostly empty sideblog for writing, buuut then I didn't do that and it's been here for years taking up space so... this is now some of that AND a bit of an anon-blog. 18+ blogger, but, like, not any hardcore 18+ stuff.

[quillcat]

The Unwanted Art of keeping hold of a thread

It’s me, always, it feels

Cast as the villain

Never quite more than a friendly extra

But the days,

The days go on.

Days move and I move

It feels she stays stagnant

It feels like minutes when it’s been hours

It feels like hours when it’s been days

I lose track of everything

I lose track of her

She doesn’t like my habits

Yet she cares about me a lot

But the betrayal she feels is more than what she deserves

And I actually agree with the sentiment.

How to be a good person?

How to be a good friend?

How do I stop unintentionally harming her fragile heart?

How do I be perfect?

How do I meet her demands?

Demands that drain me of joy?

I move with time and forget it all the same.

I don’t think she does.

I think she knows time all too well, and knows moving as well as she knows a stranger.

And yet, why do I have to do the majority of things?

I get punished for ignoring the bare minimum.

I don’t do the bare minimum because I think I’d rather have my teeth plucked out.

Her luck is bad.

My luck is fine.

I want to share that luck but how do I show *love?*

My version isn’t correct.

It never is.

Demands of love

Demands of care

Demands of friendship

Demands of… something.

What?

What is it?

All I feel are demands

And it’s difficult to feel the determination to try anymore.

I want to let go,

I can’t quite do that yet.

How do I let go of something so worn down?

How do I set it free?

It’s nothing but something tattered.

But despite this,

Despite the chore it has become to try to make her happy,

There’s a deep feeling of care I have.

I think I will always have it.

I care about her.

I want her gone from my life.

I hope she finds great happiness.

I want to go to her house just to keep driving by with a sneer.

I desperately need for her to catch that break she deserves.

I want to remove her from any place I can see her.

I would give anything for the burden life has given her to be lifted.

I hate her.

I despise the idea of what this friendship is, now.

The work it takes and the shitty yield don’t feel equal.

I am blind to time, and yet, it has felt like this has gone on too long.

I hate her.

I hate her in a way that only love can.

[quillcat]

Smitten

How do you do this to me?

You make me so warm

So happy

So full of affection.

Maybe it’s love

But I’ll refrain from calling it such a thing yet.

   I ??? you.

[quillcat]

I need confirmation on your living

Oh.

I think I’m sad.

When there’s no conversation despite you being there–

But I know you’re probably busy.

I send and I say and there’s suddenly nothing to show for it.

Empty

Just a bit.

  Do I need to sleep?

Probably so

But I feel anxious when I don’t get a message back from you.

Are you okay?

My Friend, you fight each day and not hearing from you makes me feel sick.

Let me know, let me know.

Are you okay?

  Or will you be silent for longer than expected?

  I am not my brother’s keeper

But I want to keep you.

  Maybe selfish, maybe vain.

Are you okay?

  I want to reach for my phone

Maybe I should call

But it’s so late and you

  Probably won’t answer or answer well

[clockworkspider]

I mean I think people should curate their own fandom experience and whatnot and it's perfectly fair to just avoid things one is uncomfortable with...

That being said. From personal experience? Immunizing myself to all my discomforts by browsing through pixiv and kink memes with raised eyebrows while searching for things I am interested in back when tagging was non-existent has really made my fandom experience much more pleasant nowadays.

I have preferences, for sure. But I have no fear. I have no cringe. The filthiest, grossest fanwork holds no powers over me. I am a god.

Like honestly dl;dr and block on sight is respectable and all but I genuinely think everyone could just benefit from purposefully exposing yourself to your nOTP and non-triggering squicks sometimes? (And obviously don't go bother the creators for it.) If only so that it makes it easier/safer to search for content you like without living in fear of accidentally glimpsing something you hate and having that ruin your day.

[clockworkspider]

Training oneself to be comfortable with mild discomfort is a highly under-rated skill in this day and age

[toxicshipsincorporated]

I think its interesting that "desensitized" is a dirty word now. Like...when I did my therapy, being desensitized was the GOAL. It was the fucking dream.

But also, desensitization essentially gives you the agency to say, "okay so that felt bad, now I can either put it away, really explore and understand what that discomfort is trying to tell me, or discard it." Idk...some of yall are so fucking distressed all the time and you call it "being normal" or "being a decent human being" but...it isn't normal to be distressed all the time. It isn't decent to be distressed all the time. And like...I have disords and chemical shit going on in my brain but if you don't have all that....I think you need to look at your distress and ask why it is actually enduring and who benefits from you being distressed (lessons from a pre-bush era american).

[quillcat]

I would say it’s truly one’s choice to do this or to not do this. There are certainly many different and valid reasons to NOT do this. But don’t shit on people who DO do this, and likewise, don’t shit on people who DON’T. Personally, I know my boundaries, and I agree that being able to deal with the uncomfy makes things a bit nicer. My experience online has been boosted because of the skills I’ve developed to deal with the “ick” I feel sometimes seeing something I don’t like. My legitimate advice though, in addition to exposure (granted you can handle it) is to simply... pay it all mind and then pay it no mind.

This is easier said than done for some people, which is respectable, and I’m not saying you have to. I’ve just noticed that if you take the minute or two to fully acknowledge something, what it is and how it makes you feel, it makes it much easier to move past things later down the line of the uncomfy things. And then after, just... don’t mind it. I’m not saying in a passive or agreeable way, but simply heaving a sigh and continuing on your way does wonders. Just... roll your eyes, say a short “ugh” and get back to what you enjoy. Working on not getting yourself worked up over these things is a key factor, I’ve learned. For me-- and that’s not everyone. Take your own time, do your own steps, and find your own approach-- if you even have or care to have one.

I didn’t even have to look anything up. A lot of exposure came by stuff just popping up and me seeing it in real time, at which point I could take it on as I saw it. It took longer, and I think I’m just naturally “eh, go with the flow” in personality, but if you’re willing to work with what you have in front of you as it comes along, you can do the whole desensitizing that way.

Again, this is a personal thing, and not an end-all advice bit. If you want to avoid these things, all power to you. If you want to take steps to desensitize yourself, know yourself and your boundaries/limits, and good luck. But don’t hate on each other, y’all.

(This all goes without saying, but: anything you truly find super disturbing or triggering, go ahead and block/filter/etc., whatever is right for you. This topic isn’t talking about purposefully exposing yourself to that-- stay safe.)

[quillcat]

Between the Flags

One day

I’m not as bad

One day I sit on my bed

One day I hope for better

One day I hope for a feeling instead of indifference

One day I wonder for motivation

One day I forget the things I care not to learn about for a moment

One day I remember that it’s all going to be over in a short amount of time

I think I’m worthless?

Evaluate

One day I say to myself

One day I think

One day I state

You have time

One day I humor myself

One day I relax my mind

One day I declare

Tomorrow is a new day

And I feel something

And I smile

It must have been waiting for me to find motivation

Because a ways through the lecture

I notice the clock is fixed

It makes a full round

-----

pt. 1: https://quillcat.tumblr.com/post/184919804053/im-sorry-i-threw-a-wet-blanket-on-the

[quillcat]

“I’m sorry I threw a wet blanket on the celebration; alternative title: Chocolate Cake”

I understand what people mean now when they say “I’m broken”

Not broken in pieces

But for the longest time I thought that’s what it meant

The clock is broken

But not in pieces

The red hand moves

But remains stationary

All the hands stay put in the lower half of the circle

I sit in that room and notice it

Does the teacher not as well?

Fix the clock, sir, please

Make it tick, sir

You can’t properly tell students

About the ID and the Ego’s fight

Using the clock as an example when concerning lunch time

It’s broken

Not in pieces

I lay

I lay refusing

No ibuprofen

No tylenol

No kneebrace

It doesn’t move

Stationary, in place

Tick, just tick

Things to do, stuff to complete

That’s all they are though

Motivation low

Not quite nonexistent but it feels it

Bathroom isolation with a book

Things and stuff that I don’t quite understand

Things and stuff I don’t want to have to understand

I’m not hungry

Fix it, please

I do eat

Dorito pieces with a fork

Because it doesn’t work

I’m stuck

I think I’m worthless?

I don’t know what to do

Life goes on.

Life goes on and my plans do not.

What do I do

What will I do

So  much to do

Tick

Click

Tick

Click

What is it

Where is it

Why don’t I know

I’m indifferent

I’m standing still

I’m ticking forward

And clicking back

I’m broken

But not in pieces

---

pt. 2: https://quillcat.tumblr.com/post/184919894493/between-the-flags